The Bairn of Brianag

______________________________

I was crawling away from my mother as she whipped me; I could see Robbie through the window of Gillean but he could not hear me screaming. My mother hissed, "Slut! Whore!" My screams woke me. Rabbit was saying, "Wake up, Miss Jessie, wake up," her hands chafing mine. I flinched away from her in my terror, and screamed again before I realized that I had been dreaming.

Mrs. Belden came hurrying into the room; Cathy followed, their candles making wavering shadows upon the walls. The fire was low; Rabbit threw more wood onto it. Cathy and her mother sat on either side of me. My heart pounded in my breast, my bosom heaved with my breaths. I clung to their hands and whispered, "Please, light more candles."

Rabbit did so, the fire blazed up, and soon the room was lit to the corners. My heartbeats slowed, and I took a sip of the wine that Rabbit offered me. The nightmare began to recede. They spoke soothingly to me for a while, then Mrs. Belden left the room.

I heard the baby begin to wail. I clutched at Cathy's hand. "Please, Cathy-do not go!

I'm so frightened!" I said.

"Jessie dear," she said, "I must feed him."

"Please-bring him here! Do not leave me alone!" I said.

"Jessie-are you certain?"

"Yes, yes, please, bring him here!" I said, holding tight to her hand.

Rabbit went out and in a moment, a servant girl brought the baby in, now screaming with all his might. Cathy gently disentangled her hand from mine and indicated that the girl bring him to her at the bed. She put him between us and lay down herself. His screams dwindled to whimpers, and I watched as his little mouth found her nipple. Immediately he quieted.

I had not seen Cathy's baby, whose name was James, except from a distance since I had returned home. She took care to keep him out of my sight, and everyone else did the same, out of consideration for me. But now my terror of the nightmare overcame my grief for the loss of my own bairn; I lay quietly listening to the little noises the baby made as he suckled, and the soothing sounds that Cathy made to him, and my heart opened up. My bairn was gone, but Cathy's boy was here.

I remembered of our delight and anticipation when we had learned of Cathy's pregnancy; I remembered how beautiful she had been, and how we had all looked forward to the fulfillment of her happiness. My heart twisted as I wished that I could have made such a happy announcement! I realized now that if I had not been so ill and frightened, and if I had not run away, I would have been spending time with Cathy and her baby, would have formed an attachment to him. I also knew, as I watched Cathy with her son, that I now wanted to share in her happiness, to be attached to the baby, wanted to hold him, to play with him, and to forget about my own lost bairn.