The Amateur Gentleman

"Poor old Sling!" said the Viscount, leaning forward the better to

aim his missile, "in two hours' time he must go and face the Ogre,

--poor old Sling! Now watch me hit him!" So saying Viscount Devenham

launched his paper dart which, gliding gracefully through the air,

buried its point in the Captain's whisker, whereupon that warrior,

murmuring plaintively, turned over and fell once more gently

a-snoring.

"Talking about the Ogre--" began the Viscount.

"You mean--Jasper Gaunt?" Barnabas inquired.

"Precisely, dear fellow, and, talking of him, did you happen to

notice a--fellow, hanging about downstairs,--a bristly being with

one eye, Bev?"

"Yes, Dick."

"Ha!" said the Viscount nodding, "and talking of him, brings me back

to my Honored Roman--thus, Bev. Chancing to find myself

in--ha--hum--a little difficulty, a--let us say--financial tightness,

Bev. I immediately thought of my father, which,--under the

circumstances was, I think, very natural--and filial, my dear fellow.

I said to myself, here is a man, the author of my being, who, though

confoundedly Roman, is still my father, and, as such, owes certain

duties to his son, sacred duties, Bev, not to be lightly esteemed,

blinked, or set aside,--eh, Bev?"

"Undoubtedly!" said Barnabas.

"I, therefore, ventured to send him a letter, post-haste, gently

reminding him of those same duties, and acquainting him with

my--ah--needy situation,--which was also very natural, I think."

"Certainly!" said Barnabas, smiling.

"But--would you believe it, my dear fellow, he wrote, or rather,

indited me an epistle, or, I should say, indictment, in his most

Roman manner which--but egad! I'll read it to you, I have it here

somewhere." And the Viscount began to rummage among the bedclothes,

to feel and fumble under pillow and bolster, and eventually dragged

forth a woefully crumpled document which he smoothed out upon his

knees, and from which he began to read as follows: MY DEAR HORATIO.

"As soon as I saw that' t--i--o,' Bev, I knew it was no go. Had it

been merely a--c--e I should have nourished hopes, but the 't--i--o'

slew 'em--killed 'em stone dead and prepared me for a screed in my

Honored Roman's best style, bristling with the Divine Right of

Fathers, and, Bev--I got it. Listen:"

Upon reading your long and very eloquent letter, I was surprised

to learn, firstly, that you required money, and secondly to observe

that you committed only four solecisms in spelling, ("Gives me one at the very beginning, you'll notice,

Bev.") As regards the money, you will, I am sure, be amazed, nay astounded,

to learn that you have already exceeded your allowance by some five

hundred pounds-("So I was, Bev, begad--I thought it was eight.") As regards your spelling-("Ah! here he leads again with his left, and gets one in,--low,

Bev, low!") As regards your spelling, as you know, I admire originality in

all things; but it has, hitherto, been universally conceded that the

word "eliminate" shall not and cannot begin with the letters i-l-l!

"Vanquish" does not need a k. "Apathy" is spelled with but one p--

while never before have I beheld "anguish" with a w.