Tamed
Page 22“Mission accomplished.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
I take my helmet off and lock it onto my motorcycle. “No, I’m serious.”
Dee hasn’t gotten off the bike. “I’ll wait out here, if it’s all the same to you.”
“Come on—it’s halfway over already—I just have to drop off my envelope.”
“Have you never heard the saying, ‘As nervous as a whore in Church’?”
“Knock it off with the self-deprecating comments. If that’s the standard, I should be sweating bullets. Let’s go.”
“Do I have to drink blood?”
“Only if you’re baptized.”
If you haven’t figured it out yet, we’re at St. Mary’s church. It’s Sunday—and on Sunday, I go to church, even if it’s only for the tail-end of the mass. I have a deeply held belief that something terrible will happen if I don’t.
I drag Dee into the vestibule. She steps carefully, like she’s walking into a haunted house.
A suited, gray-haired gentleman comes through the double doors carrying a brimming collection basket. Perfect timing. I slip my envelope in and bow my head as the priest’s voice echoes through the speakers from the main chamber, working up to the final blessing. Dee watches, copying my stance as she stands beside me. Before the priest is finished, a commotion of clattering feet coming up the stairs from the basement draws my attention. Through the side door, Sister Beatrice Dugan steps into the antechamber with a dozen Sunday school students in two lines behind her.
Sister B was my first sexual experience. Well . . . my first self-sexual experience. She was all of our firsts—the closest Drew and I have ever come to a three-way.
Wait, that last part is gross, forget I said that.
Anyway, puberty is a confusing time for a boy. Having a f**k-hot teacher who happens to be a nun made it more confusing. I got carried away when I first discovered the joys of mast***ation. Unfortunately, I didn’t just “choke the chicken”—I literally strangled the sucker. That’s how, at thirteen years old, I ended up diagnosed with CPS—Chafed Penis Syndrome. I don’t need to elaborate on that do I?
My mother may have bought into the doctor’s explanation that my CPS was caused by keeping a wet bathing suit on too long, but my father sure as hell didn’t. In one of our more tender conversations, he told me spanking the monkey was nothing to be ashamed of, that it was like electricity—God wouldn’t have given it to us if he didn’t want us to use it. But, like all things, moderation was key. I calmed down after that chat, and was able to engage in regular self-pleasure, without inflicting injury.
Sister B quiets the giggling kids with a look. Then with an Irish lilt that time hasn’t diminished, she says, “Matthew—how are you, m’boy?”
“Right as rain, Sister B.”
“Right as rain and yet still late for Mass? Tsk-tsk.”
She smiles. “I suppose you’re right, though offering a few Our Fathers as you pray for punctuality may be in order. I saw your parents at the early mass; they’re looking grand as always.”
I nod. Then I turn to Dee and say, “Delores, this is Sister Beatrice, my grade school teacher. Sister B, this is Delores Warren.”
Sister B greets her. “Pleased to meet you.”
Dee waves. “Hi.”
Sister Beatrice’s brow wrinkles. “You look uncomfortable, m’dear. Why is that?”
Dee fidgets. “I just . . . I’m not Catholic. Not even a little.”
Sister B pats her shoulder, and in a hushed voice tells her, “That’s quite all right. Neither was Jesus.”
When we get to Central Park, I take out my camera and get a few great shots of Dee by the fountain. I take some more nature-themed pictures of the leaves as they’re blowing down from the trees. Then Delores and I lay next to each other on a blanket, on a grassy patch, heated by the warm sun of the fall afternoon. And we trade questions—the random, inappropriate kind that are always fun and a great way to get to know a person.
“Have you ever been arrested?” Dee asks me as she plays with the buttons on my flannel shirt.
She smiles. “Arrested, but never convicted.” Then she tells me about the time she, her cousin, and Kate got caught breaking into their local roller-skating rink after hours and had to be brought home by the town sheriff. Her mother wasn’t thrilled.
“Have you ever had sex in a public place?” I ask, partially because I’m curious . . . and partially for future reference.
“Mmm . . . public place, yes—but I don’t think anyone actually saw us.”
I run my fingers through her hair, the sunlight accentuating the red highlights, making it more fiery than golden.
“Have you ever had sex on your motorcycle?” she asks. And I hope that’s for future reference too.
“Yes. It’s not as easy as you’d think. But, it’s something everybody should try at least once.” Then I ask, “What’s your favorite color? And how do you take your coffee?”
“I don’t have a favorite color—it changes, depending on my mood. And I don’t drink coffee. I try and stay away from caffeine, it’s bad for your skin.”
Dee is a foodie. She mentioned going to the farmers’ market in Brooklyn later, to stock up on fennel and lemongrass and some other shit I’ve only heard of in gourmet restaurants where presentation is more important than taste. That’s not my idea of a great meal. But she swears her homemade granola doesn’t taste anything like rabbit food.