Sweet Little Memories

Another reason I loved this place. They not only took care of Heidi but gave her things of importance to do. She loved crochet and doing something useful meant so much to her.

“I’m so proud of my new washcloths.” She’d given me four since my arrival—all her favorites that she’d saved for me.

“Keep them safe. I won’t be making more until after Christmas. I need to make these babies blankets.” She was suddenly very serious and my heart squeezed.

“The blankets are incredibly important and needed. I know those mothers are very thankful for the blankets you make,” I assured her.

She nodded her head empathically. “Those babies don’t have a home. Their momma’s need things. I wish I could make them clothes.” She looked so sad suddenly. She had no idea she’d been an unwanted baby once upon a time. Portia had wanted for nothing and gave her baby away to a much less fortunate home. And forgotten about her. Feeling hatred for Portia would have overcome me if I didn’t know Heidi had been loved fiercely by the mother she had been given to.

“May takes too long of naps,” Heidi grumbled suddenly changing the subject.

“May was sick last week. She needs the extra rest,” I reminded her.

Heidi shrugged then just that quickly her smile returned. “When you come tomorrow are you bringing cookies?”

I had surprised her today and told her I would be back tomorrow. She had spent five minutes jumping up and down clapping her hands. Watching her do that had helped ease my despair. She reminded me that I couldn’t fall apart. Heidi was always my source of joy. She would never fully understand that. More than once she had saved me from my sorrow. Losing our mother had been the hardest point in my life, but having Heidi helped me make it through each day after.

Facing life without Stone was a different kind of pain, but just as powerful. Heidi would save me once again as evidenced by our time together today. I leaned over and pulled her into my arms tightly to hug her. It was the only way I could express how much I loved her. She squeezed me back enthusiastically.

“I love you.” I fought back the tears in my eyes.

“I love you too.” She pulled back and beamed her bright smile at me. “Remember when Momma made us the pancakes with the candy?”

Momma would make us pancakes with sprinkles in them for special occasions. I enjoyed the happiness that memories of Mom brought to her face. “And she would put whip cream on top if we had been extra good,” I added.

Heidi’s eyes widened as if she had forgotten. I wondered how much she forgot. I needed to talk about Momma with her more. The little things like pancakes with sprinkles and whipped cream. The moments Momma would want her to remember.

“Yes,” she said in awe. “And one time we had choc-co-late.” She had a hard time with the last word.

“Yes, chocolate syrup. We had both made all A’s on our report card. It was a very good day.”

“I want candy pancakes with choc-co-late and whip cream.” Heidi looked wistful.

I wanted them too. From Momma’s kitchen while she stood there singing at the stove. It was a wonderful scene to remember, but we would have to settle for the memory.

“I will see what I can do.” I’d make us pancakes exactly how we had them.

“Make some for May too. She’s never had them. I told her ‘bout them.”

I always made enough for May, but Heidi needed to remind me. She never wanted May left out. I didn’t have a friend like that. Knowing Heidi had such a dear friend made it easier to leave her here. Momma had told me when we turned eighteen that Heidi would need her own life one day and I would need mine. She stressed to me that I couldn’t look after her forever. She wanted me to chase my dreams.

I didn’t know what those dreams were. Dreaming of a different life seemed so foreign now. I wish she was here to talk to or hold me.

“Let’s swing!” Heidi said jumping up from our seat at the craft table.

“Let’s.” I stood to follow her outside to the large yard set up for outdoor activities.

On our way to the door, May walked into the craft room and Heidi ran to hug her as if she hadn’t seen her in weeks instead of a few hours. May smiled shyly at me and they held hands as we continued outside. This world was easy and safe. Heidi and May were happy here and didn’t experience anything ugly from the outside world. That reassurance helped me sleep at night.

We were almost to the swings when I noticed Jasper waiting by the tree nearby. The facility had security where you checked in with ID and a code. Jasper had joined me for a previous visit. I had cleared his name through the office for visiting Heidi. That was something I didn’t think to change until now.

He didn’t belong here. If he had wanted to talk to me he could have found me somewhere else. Not here in front of my sister.

“There’s your friend!” May said pointing at him.

“That’s her boyfriend.” Heidi giggled as they both watched Jasper.

I hadn’t explained or brought up Jasper since I left Portia’s home. It wasn’t something Heidi would understand.

“You two head to the swings. I will be right there.” They whispered and giggled more as they ran to the swings. In their minds, I wanted to be alone with my boyfriend.

The long strides I took walking toward him were purposeful. My expression was fierce. He needed to understand this wasn’t acceptable. I didn’t need this right now. He’d done enough. Why wasn’t he in Manhattan where he was supposed to be living now? He had been leaving Savannah. He needed to do it. And stay there.

“I’M NOT HERE TO SEE or upset Heidi,” were the first words out of his mouth when I reached him.

“Why are you here?” I asked him even though I just wanted him to leave.

He shifted on his feet. “I was worried about you and needed to make sure you were okay. I know what you’re going through is all my fault.”

He sounded sincere, but I didn’t care. “My personal issues are not things I plan to discuss here. Heidi is right over there swinging and this is my time with her. You don’t belong here.”

He sighed and put his hands in his front jean pockets. “I’m sorry. I just needed to see you . . . Make sure you were okay. I can’t go back to Stone’s and I know you’re still staying there. I thought you would leave after what I showed you last night, but he must have been convincing.” The tone in his voice was almost acidic. That didn’t sit well with me.

“Please leave,” I said. “I need to get back to Heidi.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you to hurt you. But I know Stone. I know his darkness and what he’s capable of . . . What he will eventually do to you. I was worried about you.”

Maybe his sudden appearance and words were honest. There could be more I didn’t know about Stone, but that didn’t matter now. Stone left me. It was over.

“Goodbye, Jasper.” I turned to walk away.

“I’m always there if you need me,” he called out. I didn’t turn around. There was a small part of me that felt something for Jasper. It wasn’t love, but we had a connection once. I had thought I was in love with him. I believed in a fairytale then. Jasper had been someone else to me—he had been a hero. I never saw his flaws. I’d been too blinded by his shine to see the tarnish. I had to remember that we all tarnished eventually—Stone included.