Sweet Little Memories

We didn’t have aunts. But Heidi knew what they were because she had friends here who had aunts. She had also watched enough television to understand what an aunt was.

“Ohmygod!” she squealed and clapped her hands rapidly while jumping up and down.

Again, I fought back tears. Because as happy as she was now I still hadn’t told her what all this meant for us. How it would change her routine. How I wouldn’t be here as much. How once again, she would have to adjust to change.

She threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “I will be the best aunt ever,” she promised.

I had no doubt that she would. I held her to me and closed my eyes tightly fighting back emotion. My entire life I had protected her the best I could. Been there for her, loved her, and worried about her. She’d been my ultimate source of joy. Now, I was going to leave her. Put time and space between us while my first priority became someone new.

“I know you will,” I replied. “But I need to tell you something else. Something that has to happen because of the baby inside me. It won’t be forever, but for a time. It will change things and it won’t be easy. It will make you sad, it will make me sad,” I stopped and studied her a moment. I tried to decide what she understood. Her eyes were wide as she waited for me to tell her more. There was so much trust there. Her world was safe. She didn’t understand the pain, sorrow, or fear that was just outside.

I was so very thankful for that.

“I need to take care of the baby and to do that I have to move to find a new house and a new job. I won’t live close to here. I can’t stay close and take care of the baby. There is someone who doesn’t want me to have this baby. I need to keep the baby safe from them. I will come back once a month and see you. I’ll bring cookies and I will stay the day. It won’t be forever but for a while. Until I can figure out something else. For now, I need to find a place in another town.” I stopped afraid I had said too much. More than she would understand.

She didn’t reply right away. We stood there still holding onto each other but we did it in silence. I watched her expression change and I fought against the urge to say more. Try harder to explain. I knew she needed time to let this sink in and to work through it and figure it out. Hopefully she could accept this huge change.

“Will you and the baby be safe if you leave?” she asked me. Her question in a quiet voice but the sincerity and concern there was heartbreaking. I never wanted to cause Heidi to worry. I wanted her to live in happiness.

“Yes. I will find a place that we will be safe.”

She frowned. “I want you to both be safe.”

I squeezed her tightly in a hug. “I will make sure that we are.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I promise,” I replied my eyes full of tears and slowly beginning to trickle down my cheeks. “And I will be back here to see you every chance I get.”

“I like pink,” she said.

“I will bring pink cookies and cupcakes,” I assured her.

“No. I like to make pink blankets. I like pink clothes. I want the baby to be a girl.”

A small laugh escaped me, drowning the sadness that was weighing on me. Only Heidi could do that when I was so low. “Maybe it will be. Just for you.”

She didn’t reply right away and I didn’t push for more. This was going smoother than I expected. My heart was breaking. I was so proud of her it was also bursting.

“If it’s a boy I will learn to love blue,” she finally said after several moments.

I didn’t reply. I was too choked up to say anything. Instead, I held her. My only family. All I had in this world. My special gift in life. My sister.

Stone

I DROPPED THE PHONE IN my hand as the call ended. Deep down I knew she was gone. Believing it was hard to accept. Unanswered questions hung in the balance and I knew I may never get to ask them. Gerry hadn’t known much. She said that yesterday Beulah had been different. Sad, very grateful, and scared. When she hadn’t shown up this morning, Gerry wasn’t surprised. She’d waited until after lunch to call me.

It had been the day after my ninth birthday when my father had come to tell me my mother wouldn’t be stopping by to visit again. She’d left to move to France with her new fiancé and wouldn’t be back. He hadn’t reassured me she would call or that she might miss me. He hadn’t explained why I had heard nothing from her on my birthday. And when I had teared up from the feeling of abandonment he had slapped me across the face and told me to grow the fuck up. A man didn’t cry. He was tough and lived his life at his own pace. A woman would always leave you and there would be plenty waiting to take her place.

I had been a child and none of that made sense at the time. The mark left by his hand, however, left an impact. It was the last time I had cried. Even alone at night when I felt as if there was no one who cared. Even knowing that I was unwanted and I had no purpose in life, I didn’t cry. Because deep down I’d wanted to make that bastard proud of me. It had taken much more emotional abuse and neglect to finally destroy that desire. The day he held my son in his arms and told me that real men built their army of sons one woman at a time, I decided I wanted nothing to do with him. He wasn’t anything I strived to be and became everything I fought against becoming.

Trusting anyone enough to love them had been so damn impossible for me that I’d almost lost Beulah. Then when I gave in to what I so clearly wanted and let myself love her, she left me when I need her the most—just like my mother had.

I didn’t blame her. I was the common denominator. I was the one that they so easily ran from. What was it that was so wrong with me that sent them away? What did I lack that made me unworthy of their love? Was I more damaged than I realized? And if Beulah couldn’t love me, if she couldn’t stay, then was I good enough to raise Wills? Would I ruin him even more than my father had ruined me? Or had I become my father and not realized it.

I wanted to hate Beulah for leaving me.

I wanted to curse her name and then forget she existed.

I could do neither. I also couldn’t find some female to fill the emptiness she left behind. Beulah had been special, unique. She’d claimed my fucking heart the moment I saw her which was stupid and naïve but it’d happened none the less. Yet something in me had turned her away and sent her running.

First, I had to rescue my son. He was innocent and he needed me. No one else did but Wills. And by God I wouldn’t let that boy down. I’d fight until I had no fight left. He’d know I wanted him. He would know he was loved. I’d make sure if I did everything in this world to be everything that he ever needed.

As for Beulah, I’d return to Savannah when I could. She’d stay close because of Heidi. Finding her wouldn’t be impossible. Then I’d make her tell me why she left me. She could tell me why women turned away from me and why she couldn’t love me.

After I knew that, I would let her go. Free her. Move on with my life. But I’d never forget her. I’d always be marked by her. She’d claimed a part of me I wouldn’t get back. And I didn’t want to. And although she didn’t want me and I wasn’t enough, I would be there near her. Never leaving her side completely. Giving me hope there might be a time when I would smile again.

She was a light in a time I thought my world would be forever dark. I saw my life being void of real love until she stole my heart with a glance. Nothing more.