Sweet Little Memories

“I don’t understand mothers like Hilda.”

She wouldn’t. She had an excellent mother. A selfless one. It was rarer in my world than she realized. I wish every kid could have a mother like hers. A mother like I knew she would one day be.

“He deserves more than Hilda. She’s better out of his life than in it.” And I meant that.

“Every kid needs a mother,” Beulah replied.

“I agree but not every mother deserves a kid.” I’d seen that too many times.

Beulah pulled back and started to say something when my cell phone started ringing. She closed her mouth and her eyes widened. It was early. Too early for calls. I reached into the pocket of my flannel pajama pants and pulled it out. Glancing at the screen panic set in as Wills’ name lit up the screen.

“Hey, bud.” I stepped back from Beulah because the anxiety made me want to pace.

“Did I wake you up?” he asked with concern way beyond his years. Living with my father and no mother to care for you made you grow up fast. Already Wills was more reserved than the other kids his age. The sadness in his eyes mirrored what I’d once seen in mine when staring at my reflection. I hated it. I didn’t want that for him.

“Not at all. You know I get up before the sun.” I tried to sound cheerful. He didn’t call me often. I checked on him more than he reached out to me. When I did get him on the phone, he rarely talked. It was more of a stinted conversation, if not completely one-sided. I always had to force him to chat by asking questions.

“Mom’s coming today.” He sounded unhappy about seeing her. My grip on the phone tightened. Hilda hadn’t mentioned that yesterday. I wondered if my visit had something to do with it.

“You looking forward to seeing her?” I asked knowing he wasn’t. He wished he was and I understood that feeling too. I wanted to enjoy my mother’s visits, but I was afraid to want her. Afraid to care because she would leave and wouldn’t return for a long time. It hurt and I didn’t want to hurt. Wills was learning that young like I had.

“No.” He sounded guilty for saying it. He needed to remember that Hilda’s visit was fleeting, she was only passing through. He didn’t need to get too attached her or hope for more? It seemed impossible to convey that to a six-year-old.

“She misses you,” I said instead.

He grunted.

We were silent a moment while I tried to think of the right words.

“When will you be back?” he asked.

“I can be there when you need me,” I told him.

He didn’t say anything and I waited. He was trying to be tough.

“Maybe next week sometime, I mean if you get extra time and can.” I knew that tone. I read between the lines easily.

“I’ll see you in two days,” I told him.

“Okay.” And there was the first smile in his voice. For now, I’d have to be good with that. In two days, I’d know what I was going to do. I would know if Wills was legally my son or my brother.

Either way, I was saving him. I just didn’t know how.

Beulah

GERALDINE WAS DRESSED IN AN ice-blue ball gown made of satin and lace when I arrived the next morning. She kept telling me that the shrimp cocktail was unacceptable and that it was past time for the ice sculptures to arrive. I played along because this seemed to be a stronger spell than normal. She was anxious and frustrated and kept yelling at someone named Mona to get her satin slippers downstairs before the guests arrived.

When she slung open the fridge and wailed in a panic that the fruit salad wasn’t even put together, I decided it was worse to let her believe this was real than to bring her back to the here and now. Closing the fridge door, I turned to Geraldine. “It’s the year 2017. I’m Beulah and this is your home in Savannah. It’s time for you to eat breakfast. I thought we’d have egg whites with goat cheese and a slice of tomato from your garden on a whole wheat English muffin.” I spoke slowly and clearly hoping she understood and snapped out of it.

Geraldine stared at me in confusion for only a moment. She blinked several times before looking down at her dress. I almost sighed in relief that she was back when she made a disgusted grunt. “I wore this last year. Why did I forget that? I can’t wear it again this year. This ball is too important. There are clients here, not just friends.” She rolled her eyes and headed out of the kitchen and for the stairs. “If the ice sculpture arrives, tell them they’re late and I want it by the fountain on the back patio.” I walked over to watch her climb the stairs. At least she had calmed down. Maybe she’d come back around soon.

I thought about calling Stone, but I knew he had too much to deal with today. His mind was on other things. I could handle Geraldine. He needed less to worry about and this was all I could do to help him.

“Mona! Where are my riding pants? How can I hunt without them? Good Lord this is a mess!” Geraldine was yelling and she never yelled. Not even during a spell. Today was not a good day for her. I worried that she was getting worse.

“I’ll look for them,” I called back before she came running around the staircase upstairs looking for Mona.

While she went around upstairs looking for things from her past, I went back to the kitchen and worked on breakfast. Hopefully, she’d come back to me soon and I could feed her. The one thing about Geraldine being completely out of it since I had arrived was that it had gotten my mind off of me. Off of my problems.

Touching my stomach, I looked out the window and thought again about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’d originally made the appointment to get a prescription for birth control. Now? Now, I would be taking a pregnancy test. I would find out if I was already carrying Stone’s child. Our child. A child that I would love and adore, but one that I knew he couldn’t focus on right now.

The child inside me wouldn’t ever face a life with the man who Stone hated the most. This child would have me always. He or she wouldn’t have need for love because they would have it unconditionally.

Wills needed Stone and I wouldn’t pull Stone in two directions. I wasn’t sure of the right thing to do. Not telling him was wrong and he deserved to know.

Telling him right now when he needed his complete focus and attention on fighting his father was unfair too. I don’t know how long I stood there silently lost in my thoughts. My thoughts swirled regarding I would do if I was pregnant. What I should do. What I needed to do.

“I don’t even want to know why I was wearing that God-awful gown. It smelled of moth balls and I think I have a rash under my pits from the scratchy fabric,” Geraldine said as she sauntered past me into the kitchen. I jumped at the sound of her voice. I hadn’t heard her come back down the stairs.

She frowned at me. “Lord, girl. Are you okay?”

I smiled. “I didn’t hear you come downstairs.”

“I bet you smelled me though.” She scrunched up her nose. “I must have been in the attic at some point this morning. That dress hasn’t seen daylight in decades.”

“It has held up well.” I imagined the dress had been the height of fashion once.

She shrugged with her left shoulder only. “Perhaps, but now it is the height of ancient.” She chuckled. “I’m a sight. You never know what you’re going to walk into around here.”

The smile that tugged on my lips this time was real. Not forced. Geraldine’s spirit was always cheerful. Being near her made life seem easier. I was glad she was back from her spell. I needed her peaceful presence today.