Sweet Hope

“Axel…” Ally went to speak, but I looked up at her and said, “I don’t even know what it was like when she passed. I’ve never been able to ask Austin about it. I don’t know how she looked, what time she died, what was said. I can’t ever forgive myself for it… for as long as I live, I’ll never forgive myself.”

All the color drained from Ally’s face and her arms tightened around me. Then she opened her mouth and confessed quietly, “I was there, Axel…”

Still trying to stop my chest from suffocating me, I didn’t understand what she meant. Ally’s shaking hands pressed on my cheeks and she explained, “Baby, I was there when your mamma died… I saw her… I was in the room as she took her last breath.”

Confusion made me freeze. Ally’s face broke into soft cries. “I’ve wanted to tell you for so long that I was with Austin and Levi when your mamma passed. We were all at the hospital for Lexi when she relapsed and your mamma was brought in. Austin almost broke having his mamma dying and his soulmate fading away. He couldn’t cope, so we all stayed to support him and Levi.”

All I could do was stare at Ally as she spoke.

Fresh tears filled her eyes. “You could never talk about her and I was afraid if I mentioned it, it would chase you away. But I was there, querido. I was there when she passed.”

Unsure how to react to what she was saying, I asked, “Was it peaceful? Was she in pain? I can’t bear the thought of her fighting death, desperately trying to live.”

Ally’s lips pursed as she fought not to break down further. Then she added, “Your mamma was sleeping peacefully and then she just drifted away… it was painless, Axel. She looked like she was sleeping… she looked beautiful… like an angel…”

The image of my mamma’s beautiful sleeping face filled my mind, and unable to hold it back, I collapsed into Ally’s lap, shedding five years of pent up grief. I cried until my throat and chest were raw and aching. The whole time, Ally just held me in her arms, stroking back my hair and crying with me… still fucking treading water beside me.

“I wanted to tell her goodbye, and now she’s gone it’s impossible…” I croaked, purging my guilt.

Ally’s cheek pressed on my head and she whispered, “Death isn’t goodbye; it’s simply goodbye for now.”

My lungs paused in breathing and I raised my head to look right into her dark eyes. “Do you really believe that? That this isn’t the end?”

Ally stroked back my hair. “With every part of my heart.”

I don’t know how long I stayed wrapped in her arms, but when I finally lifted my head, my chest felt lighter. And as I looked into Ally’s loving eyes, my hands on her perfect face, I knew my mamma’s prayer for me had come true…

Io prego perché tu possa trovare la tua luce, mio figlio smarrito… I pray you find your light, my lost son….

I had.

“La Mia luce…” I murmured through my scratched and raw throat. Ally’s face softened in adoration. The next words I spoke came straight from my heart without any conscious thought. “Ti amo, carina… I love you so damn much that sometimes I can’t fucking take it.”

Ally dragged in a shocked breath, and as her bottom lip quivered, she leaned down to kiss my dry lips and murmured in reply, “I love you too, Axel. So so much. You’re all of my heart.”

Fuck. She loved me too…

Our kiss became deeper, until I pulled back. Feeling exhausted, I laid my head on Ally’s lap, my eyes looking straight up at her face.

As I watched her happily stroke my face, I thought over mamma’s prayer and I froze.

Ally, sensing something was wrong, asked, “What is it, baby?”

Shaking my head in disbelief, I said, “Just something that came to mind.”

Ally’s dark eyebrows pulled down. “Tell me,” she urged.

I glanced over to the marble angel of my mamma and said, “Do you believe in fate?”

Still looking confused, she entertained me and shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe. I think sometimes things happen that seem so planned out by an outside force that what happens can’t be simply coincidence.” Her head tilted to the side. “Why do you ask, baby?”

Clearing my throat, and feeling pretty damn stupid for saying it, I decided to tell her any way. “My mamma used to pray that one day I would find my light, the thing to change me, to save me. She would always call me her lost son, and her biggest wish was that I would find my way.”