Sweet Filthy Boy

“As if. How else would I know how to ask for the large dildo? I mean, that’s a really important distinction.”

Ansel barks out a laugh, his eyes wide in surprise, his hands flying to his mouth to stifle the sound. A few of the other diners turn in our direction, but nobody seems to have minded his outburst.

“You’re a bad influence,” he says once composed, and reaches for his wine.

“Me? I’m not the one who left the translation for dildo on a note one morning, so . . . glass houses, Dimples.”

“But you did find the costume shop,” he says to me over his glass. “And I must say I owe you endlessly for that.”

I feel my face warm under his gaze, under the implied meaning of his words. “True,” I admit in a whisper.

Our food comes and beyond the occasional satisfied groan or voicing my intent to bear the chef’s children, we’re mostly silent while we eat.

The empty plates are cleared away and Ansel orders dessert for us to share: fondant au chocolat—which looks a lot like a fancy version of the chocolate lava cake we have at home—served warm with a pepper-vanilla ice cream. Ansel moans around his spoon.

“It’s a little obscene watching you eat that,” I say. Across the table he’s closed his eyes, humming around the spoon in his mouth.

“It’s my favorite,” he says. “Though not as good as the one my mother makes for me when I visit.”

“I always forget you said she went to culinary school. I can’t actually think of a dessert my mom didn’t buy from the store. She’s what I like to refer to as domestic-lite.”

“One day when I’m visiting you in Boston we’ll drive to her bakery in Bridgeport and she’ll make you anything you want.”

I can practically hear the proverbial brake noises squealing in both of our thoughts. A distinct roadblock has just risen in the conversation, and it sits there, flashing obnoxiously and unable to be ignored.

“You have two more weeks here?” he asks. “Three?”

The phrase you could ask me to stay pops into my head before I can stop it because no, that’s—no—really the worst idea, ever.

I keep my head down, eyes on the plate between us, swirling chocolate sauce into a puddle of melting vanilla ice cream. “I think I should probably leave in two. I need to find an apartment, register for classes . . .” Call my father, I think. Find a job. Build a life. Make friends. Decide what I want to do with my degree. Try to find a way to be happy with this decision. Count the seconds until you come see me.

“Even though you don’t want to.”

“No,” I say blankly. “I don’t want to spend the next two years of my life in school so I can go to an office I hate with people who’d rather be anywhere but where they are and stare at four walls of a boardroom one day.”

“That was a very in-depth description,” he notes. “But I think your impression of business school is maybe a little . . . misinformed. You don’t have to end up in that life if you don’t choose it.”

I set my spoon down and lean back into my chair. “I lived with the world’s most dedicated businessman my entire life, and I’ve met all of his colleagues and most of their colleagues. I’m terrified of becoming what they are.”

The bill comes and Ansel reaches for it, all but slapping my hand away. I frown at him—I can take my . . . husband out to dinner—but he ignores me, continuing where he left off.

“Not every businessman or -woman is like your father. I just think that maybe you should . . . consider other uses for your degree. You don’t have to follow his path.”

THE WALK HOME is quiet, and I know it’s because I haven’t responded to what he’s said and he doesn’t want to push. He’s not wrong; people use business degrees for all kinds of interesting things. The problem is I don’t know yet what my interesting thing is.

“Can I ask you something?” I ask.

He hums, looking down at me.

“You took the job at the firm even though it’s not really what you want to do.”

Nodding, he waits for me to finish.

“You don’t really like your job.”

“No.”

“So what is your dream job?”

“To teach,” he says, shrugging. “I think corporate law is fascinating. I think law in general is fascinating. How we organize morals and the vague cloud of ethics into rules, and especially how we build these things when new technology comes up. But I won’t be a very good teacher unless I’ve practiced, and after this position, I’ll be able to find a faculty spot nearly anywhere.”

Ansel holds my hand the few blocks to our apartment, pausing once or twice to bring my fingers to his lips and kiss them. The headlight from a passing scooter glints off the gold of his wedding band, and I feel my stomach contract in on itself, a feeling of dread settling heavily there. It’s not that I don’t want to stay in Paris—I love it here—but I can’t deny I miss the familiarity of home, speaking to people in a language I understand, my friends, the ocean. Yet I’m beginning to realize I don’t want to leave him, either.

He insists we tuck into the little bistro on the corner for a coffee. I’ve grown used to what Europeans refer to as coffee—intense, small pours of the most delicious espresso—and other than Ansel, I’m sure this is the one thing I will miss most about the city.