Suicide Note
Page 7“Nothing. Good luck.” Smiling, I took another drink.
“You wanna come? I’m terrible with directions and it’s kind of important I find him.”
I hesitated, chewing the end of my straw.
“I’d be really grateful,” he said. This was the kind of guy who just flashed his baby blues at a girl and got whatever he wanted. I wanted to roll my eyes but the truth was, I didn’t want to be alone. I nodded and took a step forward.
“Sure. I can spare some time.”
Shane pushed open the heavy glass door for the building and waited for me to exit.
“I have a car.” Shane called out from behind me as he made his way to the baby blue station wagon with wood paneling down the side. I turned around and cocked my head to the side, suppressing a laugh.
“What?” He smiled as he made his way to the passenger side and pulled open the door for me.
I walked out into the street, glancing both ways before rounding the front of the car.
“You don’t like my ride?”
I smirked and slipped into the passenger seat, glancing behind me to the seat covered in toys. Shane rounded the front of the car. My eyes danced over his blue cotton T-shirt that hugged the muscles of his chest, his blue jeans old and faded from years of wear.
He pulled open the driver-side door and slid inside. His eyes drifted to the seat behind him before he slipped the key into the ignition and turned the car on.
“It’s not my car. It belongs to May, Jake’s wife.”
The radio blared to life and we pulled out into the street.
“How old are you today?” he asked as he turned down the volume on the stereo.
“Old enough.” I sighed as I watched the pedestrians hustle down the sidewalk.
“To know better?”
My eyes met his and I smiled.
“But still too young to care,” I joked.
“You got big plans?”
“For today or life in general?” I reached out and turned the knob on the radio to change the station. “I’m going to hang out on my bridge and finally finish my book.”
“You always just reach out and play with a man’s knob without asking?” He raised an eyebrow and I turned a deep rose color as my cheeks flushed. “Sorry. I’ve been stuck around guys for a while. I forget my manors.”
“No.” I chuckled. “You’re fine.”
“I’m fine?” We pulled up outside of the office building and Shane shifted the car into park as his eyes locked on to mine causing the butterflies in my stomach to take flight.
“I thought you weren’t good with directions?”
“I actually have a very good memory. I just wanted some company and I thought maybe you could use some.” He shrugged as he opened his door and stepped out of the car. Did I really look that sad and lonely on the outside? He made his way around to my side and pulled mine open.
I stood from the car, inches from Shane, who didn’t take a step back. He smelled of minty soap.
“Nothing.” He laughed and stepped back, holding out his arm for me to lead the way.
Walking around him, I kept my eyes on him for an extra moment. The door closed behind me and he quickly joined me at my side as I stepped onto the sidewalk. He grabbed the door as I sipped on my drink, and I gave him a nod in thanks, stepping inside as I did.
“Can I help you?” an older woman asked over the rim of her wire glasses from her desk that sat dead-center in the lobby.
“Yes, is Jake Philips in?”
“Just a minute.” The woman picked up the receiver of the phone on her desk and hit a few buttons before talking into it.
“So, the Army, huh? What made you join?” I asked as I turned my back to the desk and leaned against it.
“I wanted to help.”
“Thank you for your service.” I smiled.
He nodded but didn’t say anything.
“Mr. Philips isn’t in. Would you like to leave a message?” the receptionist asked.
“No. Thank you, ma’am.” Shane turned toward the exit. I followed, slurping the last sip of my drink and dropping it in the trash can next to the front door.
“Sorry. I don’t know where else he would be. We don’t talk much.” I stopped on the sidewalk, looking down at my feet.
“Yeah, we don’t either.” He ran his hand through the prickly stubble of his close-cropped haircut and took a deep breath.
“You two aren’t close?”
“We are. He is like a brother to me. It’s just complicated. You have any siblings?”
“A sister. Very complicated.” I glanced around him, avoiding eye contact.
“I have another idea of where he might be. You want to come along?”
“I better not. I have celebrating to do.”
“It was nice meeting you, Jenn. Happy birthday.”
“Thanks.” I smiled. He was a stranger and the only person to wish me a happy birthday.
He grinned back before getting into the car and pulling away from the curb. I watched as the car disappeared down the road and turned the corner.
Shane
March 16, 2010, 10:38 a.m.
I pulled up to the bar that Jake and I drank at the night before. As I made my way around back, Jake’s black Jeep came into view. I knew he was hurting over the loss of the baby, but I never expected it to be this bad. Jake was tough and although I never told him, I looked up to him. He had everything I ever wanted in life and it seemed to come so easily for him.
I got out of May’s car and made my way into the side door of Joel’s Tavern. The lights were dim and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. Jake sat on a barstool toward the right end of the building. I shook my head and made my way through the empty business and sat down next to him.
“You had me really worried.”
“It’s just a drink.”
“Not about the damn drink, Jake. The letter.”
“What letter?” He thought for a minute and nodded. “I was upset about the baby. I’m better now.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” I nodded to the bartender who filled a beer and sat the mug in front of me.
“You and May have two kids to think about. I get that you are disappointed, but what the hell would your family do without you?”
“Jesus, Shane. It’s just a few drinks.” Jake took a long drink from his glass and set it down on the bar.
“Let me take you home.” I put my hand on Jake’s arm and he jerked away from me.
“I don’t need you to save me, Shane. My family is fine.” His words slurred.
“Fine,” I snapped back angrily and picked up my drink. “Misery loves company, right? Let’s sit here and hate life together.” I drank every last drop in the mug and slammed it back down on the bar.
“Fine by me.” Jake rolled his eyes and finished off his drink as well. He held up the mug and shook it in the direction of the bartender, who made his way back to fill the empty glasses.
I nodded at the bartender, silently thanking him for the drink as I picked up the glass and took a gulp.
“May loves you.”
“I know.”
“Then what the hell is your problem? No matter what happens, you have someone there to help you through all of the hard times. Why are you here?”
“Because I don’t know how to take her pain away. Do you know what it is like to look someone in the eye every day knowing they are counting on you and you can’t do a damn thing to make it all better?”
“Every damn day of my deployment.” I cut my eyes to Jake and took another drink from my mug.
“I’m sorry.” Jake ran his hands over his face.
“It’s fine. Look, May doesn’t want you to solve all of her problems. She just wants you to be there for her.”
“It’s hard.” Jake glanced over at me, tears in his eyes. I placed my hand on my cousin’s shoulder.
“Yeah. I know. I got your six.” Jake’s eyes locked on to mine. He knew I always had his back, and he would always have mine.
“Let’s go home.” Jake set his mug on the bar top and reached for his wallet from his back pocket.
“I got this.” I pulled my wallet out before he could protest and grabbed a few twenty-dollar bills and placed them on the bar. “I’ll drive us home. May can bring you back later for your car.”
“What am I going to say to her?” Jake stood and ran his fingers over his jaw.
“Nothing beats the truth.”
Jenn
March 16, 2010, 11:45 a.m.
I slipped my leg over the railing, making sure I had my balance before I slid my other leg over. Glancing down at the water rushing below. I slid my back down the railing and sat on the ledge that ran the edge of the bridge before flipping open my book and beginning the final chapter.
Reading was my only escape from reality. Through books, I could be whoever I wanted. I could fall in love with the handsome prince, travel to exotic places, and take the leap that almost always had a happy ending.
I tucked my hair behind her ear and began to read through blurry eyes.
Shane
March 16, 2010, 11:45 a.m.
“May! We’re home.” I called out as Jake stumbled through the door. May rounded the corner from the hallway, her face red and glistening from tears. A piece of paper dangled from her fingertips.
“Why haven’t you answered your phone!” she sobbed. Jake’s hands searched his pockets before he sighed and looked up at the ceiling.
“I left it at the bar.”
“Why were you at a bar?” She was practically yelling, something I had never heard May do. I took a step between them and raised my hands.
“It was my fault. I was upset over Chelsea. Jake was trying to help me.”
May’s eyes danced between the two of us. Finally, they stopped on me and she held out the paper as another sob ripped through her body.
“How could you ever think of killing yourself? We all love you so very much. You could talk to us!”
“That’s not…” I glanced back at Jake before his eyes settled on May.
“You what?” Jake stepped forward and took the note from her hands and read over it quickly.
“It’s not what you think.” I furrowed my brow, wondering how I would save Jake from this situation.
“You left it in the bathroom. What if one of the boys found it?” May’s hands were on her chest.
“I’m so sorry, May. I’m fine. I promise you. I’m not going anywhere.” I took a hesitant step toward her and held out my arms. She fell forward into them and wrapped her arms tightly around my neck, crying into my shoulder. I glanced over her shoulder to Jake, whose eyes were still fixed on the paper as if he was unable to make sense of it.
I pulled May back, holding her by her shoulders, and looked her in the eye.
“You have nothing to worry about.”
She nodded, and I pulled her in for one last hug. Jake came to her side and placed his arm over her shoulder.
“Why don’t you get lunch together and give me a minute to talk to Shane, okay?”
May nodded and wiped the tears from her cheek before kissing her husband on the cheek and walking off toward the kitchen. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I tried to organize my thoughts.
“You owe me,” I whispered.
“How could you leave that for May or the kids to find?” Jake had sobered up immediately.
“How could I? Where did you want me to put it? I needed to come find you. I wasn’t thinking about the damn note. I was upset.” I was struggling to keep my calm. I knew Jake was afraid of May finding out the note was his. I couldn’t blame him. It would destroy her if she knew her husband was so broken up over the loss of the baby. He needed to be the strong one for her and the kids. I would take the bullet for Jake any day.