Suicide Note

I groaned as I lay down on the hard floor.

“You don’t have to sleep down there,” she called from above me.

“I’m fine.” I would rather suffer with a sore back tomorrow than do something with Jenn that she would later regret because we were both feeling sorry for ourselves.

“Suit yourself.” I listened to her rollover and get comfortable before I closed my eyes and struggled to sleep. There were several minutes of silence before she spoke.

“Shane,” she called out as she rolled back toward me.

“Yeah?”

“He cheated on me. We were engaged and he left me for someone else.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, wishing I could do something more to take away her pain. The sadness in her voice broke my heart. After a few minutes, her breathing evened out and I relaxed, letting my thoughts drift back to the soldiers I had left in Iraq. I wondered what they had encountered while I was gone. I hoped Owens was having the time of his life in Texas. He was four years younger than I was and had seen more than most men do their entire lives.

There was a rustling of blankets to my right and a foot rammed into my leg. My arms shot up and caught Jenn before she hit the ground. She screamed and her hands fell on my bare chest as she struggled to regain her composure.

“No need to kick me while I’m down, sunshine.” I laughed as her hair fell down over my chest and my fingers tightened around her arms. My breathing immediately picked up as she squirmed on top of me to get up.

“I’m so sorry.” I knew she was blushing, even though I couldn’t see her face in the dark. I rolled to the side so she was lying beside me, my fingers splayed on her hip.

“Apology accepted.” I fell onto my back as she pushed to her feet and made her way to the bathroom, embarrassed. I closed my eyes and tried to think about the war, about anything other than the weight of Jenn’s body on mine. After finding out the suicide note was hers, I couldn’t allow myself to get too close to her. I had already crossed the line by kissing her. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hurt her and she did the unthinkable. It was a mistake bringing her with me to North Carolina.

Jenn

March 21, 2010, 7:00 a.m.

“Shane!” I pushed against his shoulder trying to wake him. His hand shot up and grabbed my wrist before his eyes opened and he realized where he was. He let go and sat up quickly, rubbing the heel of his hand over his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said with a yawn.

“It’s okay.” His eyes travelled up the length of my bare legs that were inches from his face. “What time is it?”

“It’s seven. We need to get back on the road.” I took a few steps back before making my way to the bathroom to change out of his shirt.

As I came back out with his shirt in hand, he was leaning with his back against the wall in front of me. My eyes couldn’t help but travel up the ridges of his abdomen to his muscular chest.

“How’d you get the scar?” I asked as I held out his shirt. He took it with a nod and pulled it over his head before walking around me.

“That’s a story for another day.” He closed the bathroom door and I petted Roxy on the head before sinking onto the bed.

It was going to be a long trip back to Maine for us since we were both hell-bent on keeping our secrets to ourselves. I wanted to know how he had gotten his scar, and why he was so guarded around everyone.

“Ready?” he asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Sure.” I stood and patted Roxy on the head before walking out the door Shane had held open for me. Roxy followed us into the hallway and down to the front desk where Shane paid our bill.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked as we walked out into the already warm sun.

“This place is amazing. The sun is always shining.” I smiled as he laughed and shook his head.

“I love the sunshine, too.” He clicked the button on his keychain, unlocking the doors to his car. “Wanna drive?” He made his way to the passenger’s side and stood, waiting for my response. I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face.

“I thought you would never ask.” I laughed and pulled the driver seat forward so Roxy could jump in behind me.

I pushed the button on the dash and the car lit up as I fumbled with the buttons on the side of the seat to adjust it to my shorter frame.

“Ready?” he asked with a grin as I put the car in drive and stepped on the gas. We only made it a few miles down the road before Shane’s cell phone rang.

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but we are in North Carolina.” Shane glanced over at me with a smirk. “Jenn is with me.”

I focused on the GPS, trying not to listen in on his call, but I was curious who he was talking to and why I was part of the conversation.

“She did?” he asked into the phone. “I see. I wouldn’t do that. She is? That’s all right. I’ll figure something out. Later.” He hung up the phone and began humming along to the song on the radio.

“You’re not going to tell me what that was all about?” I asked as I turned down the stereo with the controls on the steering wheel.

“Jake received a phone call from Chelsea. She was not very pleased about finding out her new husband was cheating and had stolen her dog.” Shane chuckled as he laced his fingers and put them behind his head.

“What wouldn’t you do?” I asked as I switched lanes, carefully looking in the mirror behind me.

“What?”

“You said you wouldn’t do that. What wouldn’t you do?” I asked, smacking his hand away from the radio controls. He shot me a playful glare.

“I wouldn’t get you into any trouble.” His eyes found mine, and I held my breath at his intense gaze. I nodded and pushed the button on the wheel to turn the music back up.

“I trust you.” I smiled, although I was terrified at how much I actually did trust Shane. I barely knew him but I was willing to drive across the country with him and even commit theft. It was his dog, but still.

We sang along to music for at least two hours before we needed to stop to let Roxy go to the bathroom and stretch our legs. Shane popped the trunk and dug through his bags to get her some food he had purchased before we left.

“That all you have left?” I asked as I eyed the army bags. He nodded and closed the lid.

“All I need,” he said, dumping some food on the ground and whistling for Roxy, who happily ate it.

I was thankful that when Thomas left me I at least had my belongings.

“Come on.” He motioned to the car. I slid into the passenger seat, needing some time to rest my eyes.

I was thankful I wasn’t behind the wheel when flashing lights filled the mirrors. We hadn’t been back on the highway for five minutes before we got pulled over for speeding. The officer looked us over and back at Roxy before asking for Shane’s license, registration, and insurance. I held my breath as I wondered if we were going to be arrested for kidnapping his own dog.

Shane pulled his wallet from his back pocket and motioned to the glove box.

“Can you grab me the insurance card and the paper from the dealership?” I popped open the compartment and pulled out the papers. I flipped open the first paper and realized it wasn’t what I was looking for. I gathered what he needed and handed it to him before flipping the letter back open as I struggled to understand how Shane had come to possess it.

“Jenn, let me explain.”

I held up my hand to silence him as I read over the words several times. The officer reappeared at Shane’s window and handed him back his paperwork.

“I’m going to give you a warning. The speed limit is fifty-five through this stretch of highway.”

“Thank you, sir.” Shane took the warning from his hands and put up his window before turning to me.

“How?” I asked before he could say anything.

“The last letter Jake had written me he gave to you to send out. I don’t know how or why, but that note was stuck to his letter.”

I searched my memory of the day I had written it. I remember clicking print and Howard stopping me before I could reach the printer. I had planned on leaving the note at my apartment on my birthday, but a series of events had caused me to cross paths with Shane.

“When I found that, I didn’t know it was yours. I thought Jake had written it. Jenn, when I realized it was yours, I couldn’t just let you hurt yourself. I needed to make sure you were okay.”

“Wait…what?” What he was saying didn’t make any sense. I was sad when I wrote the letter and I was definitely done being put on the back burner for my sister, but I never intended to hurt myself. My eyes roamed over the page again and I clasped my hand over my mouth.

To Whom It May Concern:

If you are reading this, I am already gone. I couldn’t live like this anymore. The pain that I keep locked inside is slowly eating away at me. I’m tired. I’m not strong enough to keep all of these feelings bottled up inside of me any longer. I’m sorry.

“You thought it was my suicide note?” I asked, afraid to hear his response. He slowly nodded as tears filled my eyes. “I wasn’t going to kill myself, Shane. I was going to leave…quit my job and start over some place new.”

Shane ran his hand over his face as he absorbed what I was telling him.

“All this time…” His voice trailed off.

“You have been spending time with me because you felt sorry for me.” The tears that welled in my eyes finally overflowed and ran down my cheeks.

“No, Jenn. That’s not it at all.”

“Then what? You wanted to save me? Is that it? All this time I thought we were friends. That we were…” My self-pity turned to anger as I grabbed my purse, pushed open the passenger door and slammed it behind me. I could hear him yelling my name from behind me, so I walked faster up the shoulder of the interstate.

I heard a car door slam behind me as Shane jogged to catch up with me. I wished he would just leave me alone.

“Jenn, please.”

“Don’t!” I shrugged away his hand as he grabbed my arm.

“I didn’t want you to hurt yourself, but that is not why I spent all this time with you.”

I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. The betrayal I had felt from Thomas and Gail was miniscule to what I felt now. I didn’t understand why. Shane was only my friend, but it felt like a dagger had been stuck through my heart.

“Jenn, don’t do this.”

“Leave, Shane. That is what you were going to do in a few days anyway. Save yourself the trip and just stay. I’ll get a bus ticket.”

“I’m not going to leave you alongside the highway.”

I stopped and turned around to face him.

“Why did you bring me down here to get your dog when you are coming home in a few days anyway?”

“I wanted to spend time with you.”

“It was your shift for suicide watch?” I asked as I turned back to the road and began walking.

“Damn it, Jenn. Will you just stop and listen to me.”

My feet froze and I stared down at the gravel. I heard his footsteps get closer until he was right behind me.

“Please look at me.” His fingers trailed down the back of my arm and I pulled away from his touch again.

“Damn it!” He kicked stones toward the grass as he paced. “I didn’t know the note was yours when I found it. I thought it belonged to Jake.”

“Jake?” I couldn’t fathom Jake doing anything to hurt himself. He seemed to have it all.

“Jake and his wife had been trying for six years to have that baby,” he explained, as he shook his head. “When I realized you had written it, I couldn’t walk away.”