Stinger

Realization dawned like the first light of sunrise bursting over the horizon. He had come for me in D.C. He had come back for me after he changed his life. I almost cried out as the reality of that took over. I hadn't allowed myself to really think about it, but how would things have been different? I knew suddenly, that things would have been different because I would have jumped into his arms without a moment of hesitation. For whatever reason, that hadn't been our time. But it was our time now. My soul vibrated with the knowledge.

In that very instant, I knew it as sure as I knew my own name; I had chosen Alex because he was almost the exact opposite of Carson. And I had been afraid that if I didn't choose someone who was blatantly different in every way, that I would always compare the man I ended up with, to the man I really wanted.

I wanted Carson. I knew it with a surety that gripped my heart like a vice.

I had always wanted Carson.

Alex sat down with our tray of food and started doling it out.

"I can't marry you, Alex," I whispered.

His head snapped up and a confused smile washed over his handsome features.

"What?" he asked.

I closed my eyes for a couple beats. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I can't marry you," I repeated, looking into his eyes beseechingly. "I'm so sorry."

His hands had stalled at my words, but now he started splitting the food between us again.

"Grace, you're nervous about having me spend real time with your family. It's normal. It's a big step. Almost as big as getting engaged."

I shook my head. "No, Alex, please," I reached across the table and took his hands in mine, "listen to me."

He looked down at our hands and looked back up into my eyes and nodded his head. "Okay, Grace, I'm listening," he said quietly.

I licked my lips, my heart beating loudly in my ears. "I love you, Alex, but–"

"You're not in love with me," he finished hollowly.

My shoulders crumpled. "Yes." I looked into his eyes. "If you really search your heart, I think you'll realize that we were never right for each other as more than friends."

He tilted his head, studying my face, but not answering the question.

"I never, ever wanted to hurt you," I whispered.

He sighed, sadness filling his expression. "I guess I'm not completely surprised by this," he said. "And maybe you're right. I don't know. The timing has kind of taken me by surprise here." He paused, studying me again. "Is there someone else?"

I closed my eyes for a couple beats. "Yes. But he isn't the reason why we shouldn't get married." A tear slipped out of my eye and I swiped it away.

"Who is he?" he asked.

I closed my eyes for a beat and gathered myself before looking back at him. "Someone from my past… it doesn't matter. He's not the reason we're not right together, Alex, he just helped me to see what I already knew deep inside."

He nodded, studying my face. "Would you be breaking up with me if he didn't exist?"

"I think so, yes. Maybe not today, but yes. I'm so sorry," I repeated.

He sighed deeply. "Jesus, Grace." He paused, staring off behind me. After a minute, he said, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I knew it too. It still doesn't make it easy. Especially in the middle of an airport."

I grimaced and shook my head slightly. "I know… I just, I couldn't pretend everything was fine this week… I couldn't hurt you any more…" I repeated, a lump forming in my throat, my words dying.

More tears slid down my cheeks as we looked at each other across the table. Finally he said, "Work…"

"I'll find a new job if you want me to. I'd never make this worse for you. I–"

"Of course I don't want you to quit your job. I actually… well, I was going to talk to you about this when we got back from Ohio, but," he looked off to the side, frowning slightly, "I was offered an assistant D.A. position in San Francisco near my family. I didn't know how you'd feel about possibly moving…" He shook his head slightly as I frowned.

"You mean, you're considering taking it?" I asked softly.

He laughed a humorless laugh. "Well, like I said, I was going to talk to you, but… yeah, I was hoping you'd agree to move."

"Oh."

He cleared his throat. "Anyway, it might be right for both of us…"

"Alex, really, if you want to stay in Vegas and you think it would be awkward to work with me–"

He shook his head. "No, I think we're mature enough to work together. That's not it. I just… well, I have a lot to think about."

I nodded. "Okay, but if you change your mind about me leaving the office, will you tell me? I care so much about you."

"I know you do," he said sadly. He looked down for a second and then looked back up at me. "I'm going to get a flight to San Francisco from here and join my family. Will you be okay flying by yourself the rest of the way to Dayton?"

I nodded, more tears slipping down my face now.

He stood up, grabbed his still wrapped sandwich, pulled the handle up on his suitcase and walked around the table. He kissed me softly on the top of my head and said, "Be happy, Grace."

I watched him walk off and wiped away a few more tears. As sad as I felt, I knew that was the right thing to do. I had fooled myself into thinking it was the right thing to marry someone I had lukewarm feelings for. And that had been unfair to Alex too. He was a good man. He deserved to find a woman who brought out the best in him, not someone who saw him as a consolation prize. I grimaced, realizing what a mistake I had made in even continuing to date Alex. We should have just been friends all along.

I sat for a few minutes longer when suddenly it registered what song was playing over the airport sound system. Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On played softly beneath the clanking of trays and the sound of chairs scooting across the tile floor. I laughed a soft laugh. As the song continued to play, purpose began flowing through my body.

I stood up and gathered my things, leaving the food at the table. I wasn't going to go to Dayton. I had a flight to change.

**********

I had to pay a hefty fee, but I was able to book a flight back to Vegas that left a couple hours later. My body was humming with nerves but I felt filled with excitement, the knowledge that this choice was right, singing in my blood. I was going to Carson.

I wondered if I should call Trilogy and get a hold of him before I just showed up there. But I somehow knew it would be better to go to him in person, to explain my feelings while standing right in front of him. He had been brave, as usual, and put it right out there that he wanted us to try again, to try for real this time. And I had pushed him away not once, not twice, but all three times he made his feelings known to me. I had a good reason–another person's feelings to consider. But still, it had to have been hard for him to lay his pride on the line and to be rejected. I wanted to look in his eyes when I told him that I wanted him too. I had always wanted him. If I had been honest with myself, I would have known as soon as I looked in his eyes again, that I had never stopped. Fate had brought us back together and I was going to hold on tight and thank the heavens above that we had been given a second chance.

As I waited for my flight to board, I took my phone out of my purse and dialed Julia's number. I knew Julia had taken the week of Christmas off so she would be home.

"Hey sis," she answered, "I thought you'd still be flying right now."

I cleared my throat. "I'm actually about to board my flight, Jules," I said, "um, back to Vegas."

There was a slight pause. "Why? Is everything okay?" she asked, worriedly.

"Well, yes and no. I broke up with Alex."

She hissed in a breath. "Oh, Gracie, I'm so… I mean, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm good, Julia. We… weren't right together. It took me a little while to figure it out, and I'm sad about that, but a little relieved too, I guess." I took a deep breath. "Anyway, I'm headed home, and Julia, I'm nervous to tell you this, but, I'm heading home because Carson Stinger is back in my life–you know, the man I spent a weekend with almost five years ago. And he's not a p**n star anymore. He's a SEAL, or rather, a former SEAL who now works in security, and I, well, he wants me, I mean, I hope he still wants me." I paused. "My behavior toward him, well, it wasn't awesome and… anyway, I want him too and I'm going home to tell him that. And I hope you all will forgive me for ruining Christmas, but I have to do this because he taught me to follow my heart. And I am, and he's my heart." I started crying at this point, but I couldn't stop talking. "He's had my heart all this time, Jules, and that scared me so badly because I didn't think I could ever have him again. But–"

"Grace!" Julia came over the phone and I heard the huge smile in her voice, but then I heard a little sob in the background.

"Am I on speaker?" I whispered.

Julia and Audrey started laughing and crying and talking over each other.

"Girls! I can't even hear what you're saying. Audrey, I didn't even know you were there," I whispered into the phone and then turned around from the corner I had gone into so that no one could hear my call. Thankfully, no one was close enough to hear my teary rambling.

Audrey's voice came over the line. "Go get him, Gracie!" she laughed. "Alex wasn't for you. We knew that when we met him in Vegas."

"Why didn't you say anything?" I cried out.

"Because, we didn't know you'd get engaged to him! And then we felt badly. We were going to try to bring it up this week. But it would have been hard because he would have been here…. We, oh, it all worked out! Go get your guy, Grace. We'll talk dad down from the ledge."

I laughed, but then groaned. "Oh God, Dad. Will you tell him how sorry I am and that I'll explain. Tell him I'll call him as soon as I can, okay?"

"Don't call him too soon. We got this. Give him some time. It'll be fine. But you know Dad. He blows up first and asks questions later."

"Yeah, I know. Thank you so much. I love you girls so much."

"We love you too," they said together and I could hear the tears in their voices.

I hung up and went to the restroom to clean myself up. An hour later I was boarding my flight back to Las Vegas. Back to Carson.

**********

I touched down in Vegas at seven o'clock that evening. I had been traveling all day and I was right back where I had started, and yet the course of my life had just changed dramatically. Alex had driven us to the airport, and so I took a cab back to my house to get my own car.

I wished I knew exactly where Carson lived. I would go there first to see if he was home. But if he wasn't at Trilogy today, hopefully they would call his home number for me and I could get in touch with him that way.

I ran inside quickly to take a shower, washing the day of travel off my body. I dried off and pulled on clean jeans and a black cashmere sweater and my black boots. I re-did my makeup and grabbed my coat and ran out the door again.

As I drove out of my neighborhood and toward Trilogy, a case of nerves attacked me. What if he had changed his mind and decided that he didn't want me anymore? No, that couldn't be the case, could it? Surely that wouldn't have changed in less than a week? He had said I was in his blood–all these years I had been in his blood. A thrill shot down my spine. He was in my blood too, and I could hardly survive one more minute without him knowing that.

He hadn't been with anyone else in all this time. A lump formed in my throat and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I considered the fact that neither one of us had had sex with anyone else since each other. I had half a mind–and plenty of hormones–to make that the first priority, right after I told him I wanted him.

Oh God, what if he had taken Kira up on one of her offers in the last couple days since he left my house? I wouldn't have blamed him, really. But it sounded like she had been making it known she was available before I walked into his office, and he hadn't done anything about it then. No, I couldn't allow my mind to go there right now. But my head was clear and the confusion and guilt that had been clouding things ever since I laid eyes on him again vanished. He was mine. And I wanted to be his. That was all I needed to focus on right now.

Except… something was going on with him and this case I was working. I couldn't figure it out and I knew that if things were going to go anywhere with us, we'd need to talk. Somehow though, that didn't feel like the priority. Suddenly, I knew with every fiber of my being that whatever was going on wasn't anything that was going to make me run. I trusted him. I trusted the man that he was. Despite the time and the distance, I knew he was good and decent. I knew it. And so whatever was going on, it would be okay.

I pulled into the garage at Trilogy and found a space. I walked quickly up to the lobby and then through the casino to Carson's office. With each step, my heart rate quickened and my excitement grew.

I rounded the corner to the hallway where his office was. The hallway was deserted and the door was closed. I stopped in front of it and took a deep breath and took a second to calm my nerves. I knocked lightly and waited. No answer. I knocked one more time, but when it became clear that he wasn't in, I bit my lip and turned around haltingly. I guess I would go to the front desk and find out if he was in at all–maybe somewhere else in the hotel or casino.

As I started walking away from Carson's office door, a tall, young, blond man wearing glasses turned the corner toward me. His eyes traveled over me and he smiled a warm smile. I smiled back and when I noticed that he was going toward Carson's door, I said, "Oh, do you work with Carson?"