Still Me

Much as I loved Lily, I was grateful that Mrs Traynor’s packed schedule of cultural improvements over the next few days meant that, aside from our shopping trip, we had limited time together. Her presence in the city – with her intimate knowledge of Sam’s life – had created a vibration in the air that I didn’t know how to dispel. I was grateful that Josh was flat out with work and didn’t notice if I was down or distracted. But Margot noticed and one night, when her beloved Wheel of Fortune had finished and I rose to take Dean Martin for his last walk of the day, she asked me straight out what the matter was.

I told her. I couldn’t think of a reason not to.

‘You still love the other one,’ she said.

‘You sound like my sister,’ I said. ‘I don’t. I just – I just loved him so much when I did. And the end of it was so awful and I thought that being over here and living a different life would insulate me from it. I don’t do social media any more. I don’t want to keep tabs on anyone. And yet somehow information about your ex will always end up finding its way to you. And it’s like I can’t concentrate while Lily’s here because she’s now part of his life.’

‘Perhaps you should just get in touch with him, dear. It sounds as if you still have things to say.’

‘I have nothing to say to him,’ I said. My voice grew impassioned. ‘I tried so hard, Margot. I wrote to him and sent him emails and called. Do you know he didn’t write me one letter? In three months? I asked if he would write because I thought it would be a really lovely way for us to stay connected and we could learn things about each other and look forward to speaking and have something to remind us of our time apart and he just … he just wouldn’t.’

She sat and watched me, her hands folded across the remote control.

I straightened my shoulders. ‘But it’s fine. Because I’ve moved on. And Josh is just terrific. I mean, he’s handsome, and he’s kind, and he has this great job, and he’s ambitious – oh, he is so ambitious. He’s really going places, you know. He has things he wants – houses and a career and giving things back. He wants to give back! And he hasn’t even really got anything to give back yet!’

I sat down. Dean Martin stood in front of me, confused. ‘And he’s totally clear that he wants to be with me. No ifs and no buts. He literally called me his girlfriend from our first date. And I’ve heard all about the serial daters in this town. Do you know how lucky that makes me feel?’

She gave a small nod.

I stood again. ‘So I don’t really give a monkey’s about Sam. I mean, we hardly even knew each other when I came over here. I suspect if it hadn’t been for each of us requiring emergency medical help we might not have been together at all. In fact, I’m sure of it. And I plainly wasn’t right for him or he would have waited, right? Because that’s what people do. So all in all, it’s great. And I’m actually really happy with how everything has turned out. It’s all good. All good.’

There was a short silence.

‘So I see,’ said Margot, quietly.

‘I’m really happy.’

‘I can see that, dear.’ She watched me for a moment, then placed her hands on the arms of her chair. ‘Now. Perhaps you could take that poor dog out. His eyes have started to bulge.’

25

It took me two evenings to locate Margot’s grandson. Josh was busy with work and Margot went to bed most nights by nine so one evening I sat on the floor by the front door – the one place where I could pick up the Gopniks’ WiFi – and I started googling her son, testing the name Frank De Witt, and when nothing of that name came up, Frank Aldridge Junior. There was nobody who could have been him, unless he’d moved to a different part of the country, but even then the dates and nationalities of all the men who came up under that name were wrong.

On the second night, on a whim, I looked up Margot’s married name in some old papers that were in the chest of drawers in my room. I found a card for a funeral service for Terrence Weber, so I tried Frank Weber and discovered, with some wistfulness, that she had named her son after her beloved husband, who had died years before he was even born. And that some time further down the line she had changed her name back to her maiden name – De Witt – and reinvented herself completely.

Frank Weber Junior was a dentist who lived somewhere called Tuckahoe in Westchester. I found a couple of references to him on LinkedIn and on Facebook through his wife, Laynie. The big news was that they had a son, Vincent, who was a little younger than me. He worked in Yonkers at a not-for-profit educational centre for underprivileged children and it was he who decided it for me. Frank Weber Junior might be too angry with his mother to rebuild a relationship, but what harm would there be in trying Vincent? I found his profile, took a breath, sent him a message, and waited.

Josh took a break from his never-ending round of corporate jockeying and had lunch with me at the noodle bar, announcing there was a corporate ‘family day’ the following Saturday at the Loeb Boathouse and that he’d like me to come as his plus-one.

‘I was planning on going to the library protest.’

‘You don’t want to keep doing that, Louisa. You’re not going to change anything standing around with a bunch of people shouting at passing cars.’

‘And I’m not really family,’ I said, bristling slightly.

‘Close enough. C’mon! It’ll be a great day. Have you ever been to the boathouse? It’s gorgeous. My firm really knows how to lay on a party. You’re still doing your “say yes” thing, right? So you have to say yes.’ He did puppy eyes at me. ‘Say yes, Louisa, please. Go on.’

He had me and he knew it. I smiled resignedly. ‘Okay. Yes.’

‘Great! Last year apparently they had all these inflatable sumo suits and people wrestled on the grass and there were family races and organized games. You’re going to love it.’

‘Sounds amazing,’ I said. The words ‘organized games’ held the same appeal to me as the words ‘compulsory smear test’. But it was Josh and he looked so pleased at the thought of my accompanying him that I didn’t have the heart to say no.

‘I promise you won’t have to wrestle my workmates. You might have to wrestle me afterwards, though,’ he said, kissed me, and left.

I checked my inbox all week, but there was nothing, other than an email from Lily asking if I knew the best place to get an underage tattoo, a friendly hello from someone who was supposedly at school with me but whom I didn’t remember at all, and one from my mother sending me a GIF of an overweight cat apparently talking to a two-year-old and a link to a game called Farm Fun Fandango.

‘Are you sure you’ll be okay by yourself, Margot?’ I said, as I gathered my keys and purse into my handbag. I was wearing a white jumpsuit with gold lamé epaulettes and trim that she’d given me from her early eighties period and she clasped her hands together. ‘Oh, that looks magnificent on you. You must have almost exactly the measurements that I had at the same age. I used to have a bust, you know! Terribly unfashionable in the sixties and seventies but there you go.’

I didn’t like to tell her that it was taking everything I had not to burst the seams but she was right – I had lost a few pounds since I’d moved in with her, mostly because of my efforts to cook her things that were nutritionally useful. I felt lovely in the jumpsuit and gave her a twirl. ‘Have you taken your pills?’