Something Old, Something New
Page 21Indian summer lasted seven days and not an hour longer. Old man winter had a surprise for them after that. A rare late October snowstorm only visited a half day and the snow didn’t stay on the ground long, but it made a serious statement. Winter was dipping its toe in the water. Fall, brief as it was, turned the hills bright red and yellow. The leaves quickly fell to the ground, forming a thick layer everywhere. Then came the rain and the gray skies – day after day.
The roof on the old house had been replaced, but the house stood empty and forlorn. Much as she wanted to work on it, Carmen found it difficult to spend any of the money Alex had allotted to her account. Renovating the old house wasn’t a necessity, and if Alex wanted money spent on it, he would likely initiate it on his own. When she broached the subject of putting it in both their names, he had resisted, insisting that it remain in her name only. Apparently his house was still in his name. Surely she would have had to sign papers if he had changed that. Maybe he was waiting to see if things worked out between them. That would be the smart thing to do, considering his past experience. Even if things didn’t work out, and even if she could, she would never take his property away. Of course, he had no way of knowing that.
The extent of his wealth was still a mystery. Had it not been for a chance remark, Katie wouldn’t have been aware of her ignorance. They were cleaning up one night after Carmen and Alex had joined them for supper.
“When are you going to start redecorating in your house?” Katie asked, her attention focused on the dish she was rinsing.
Carmen lifted her shoulders in a noncommittal shrug. “I don’t know. There isn’t much point in it right now. No one is going to be living in it any time soon.”
Katie glanced up at her a moment and then shook her head.
“The house you’re living in is yours too. I see what Alex is complaining about.”
Carmen caught her breath. “Alex is complaining about me?”
Katie laughed. “I guess you could call it that. He said you didn’t share well. He was joking about the fact that you don’t accept joint ownership of anything.”
Carmen wrinkled her nose. “How can I? I don’t know what belongs to Alex and what belongs to the bank.” When Katie looked startled, she amended. “I was joking about being afraid of assuming his debts.” Katie continued to stare at her. “OK, it was a poor joke,” Carmen concluded as she took the rinsed dish and placed it in the dishwasher.
“You don’t know what you owe . . . what he owes?”
“No,” Carmen said. “I don’t need to know. He takes care of the bills and he puts money in an account for me.”
“He gives you an allowance?” Katie rolled her eyes and groaned. “He beats all I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m happy with the arrangement,” Carmen said.
Katie grabbed another dish. “Carmen, you really need to get involved. What if something happened to him? It’s irresponsible not to know that stuff.”
Carmen stared at her. “Come again?”
“If something happened to him, you would need to take over the finances. What if he was in the hospital for a while and had to rely on you?”
Carmen shrugged. “I’m sure he’s thought about that possibility. He must have some plan. If he wanted me involved, he’d say something. It’s not my money. I had no part in earning it. I would have married him if he didn’t have a dime.”
Katie stared at her for a moment and then shook her head. “Your faith in him is touching – but totally naïve.” She handed another dish to Carmen. “In the first place, he didn’t actually earn a lot of that money on his own. Dad and grandpa did.” She was silent a moment while she rinsed another plate and handed it to Carmen. “I have to admit he built on what Dad left with wise investments. The will stated that I didn’t get my money until I was twenty-one.” She shook her head as if to clear it of distracting thoughts. “Anyway he was devastated when they died. He, of all people, should realize how quickly life can end and plans can change.”
“Exactly, Carmen said, placing another dish in the dishwasher. “So he must have a plan.”
Katie was either convinced or saw the futility of the conversation, because she dropped the subject. Carmen had tried to talk to Alex about his parents on several occasions but he simply gave brief answers and then changed the subject. It wasn’t hard to tell that he was still emotional about that subject. As for the inheritance, obviously he had some kind of access to Katie’s money or he couldn’t have invested with it. That indicated his parents had a lot of faith in him.
The next weekend Carmen and Alex were having supper at Katie and Bill’s house again and Alex was describing a place in Columbia. Carmen asked where it was and Alex told her – then said she should look it up on his computer.
“There you go, Carmen.” Katie said. “That’s one way to find out your financial status. Look on his computer.”
Alex stared at Katie and then at Carmen, his expression obviously displeased. Conversation came to a total stop for a few minutes, and then Bill changed the subject.
On the way home Alex was unusually quiet, his lips a thin line and his jaw rigid. As he stopped the truck in the yard, his voice was controlled when he turned to Carmen.
“If you wanted to know about our financial status, why didn’t you just ask me?”
Looking into that stern face, she felt like a child caught with her hand in the candy jar. Katie had no idea what she had stirred up.
She sighed. “I didn’t want to know.”
“Then why did Katie say that?”
“I don’t know.” There was no point in bringing Katie into their personal affairs – even if she had injected herself there.
“You must have said something to her,” he insisted.
“I . . .” She started to defend herself, but his implication was insulting. She met his gaze defiantly. “You must think I’m a colossal liar.”
He blinked. “I don’t think you’re a liar at all. But Katie must have had some reason for saying that.”
“She asked me about something trivial and I said I didn’t know. It all came from that.”
What room did he have to talk? Obviously he had been talking to Katie . . . or Bill, and Bill talked to Katie. As reluctant as she was to bring Katie into it, she was even more concerned about letting Alex think Bill had repeated information Alex confided in him. Obviously Bill and Katie shared more information than she and Alex did.
His gaze traveled over her face reflectively and then came back to her eyes.
“Why would it be irresponsible of you?”
Exactly the point she had tried to make with Katie. Why didn’t he simply talk to her? She threw her palms and rolled her eyes.
“I don’t know, but between the two of you I’m tired of being attacked. I don’t know why it is important for me to know, or why you’d want to hide it from me – or her. Why don’t you two get together and compare notes - and leave me out of it?”
She jerked the truck door open and slid out, slamming it behind her. Marching toward the barn, she didn’t look back. She wasn’t irresponsible, a blabbermouth or a liar – contrary to what both of them seemed to think. If Alex wanted her to know the financial details, he would have told her, and it wasn’t any of Katie’s business. How could a person get into so much trouble minding their own business?
It was way too early in their marriage to consider any of that money hers. Right now it was little more than a point of contention. Of course, that was easy to say. She was living in a warm dry house with all the food she could eat and no worries. Alex had provided all of that without prompting. She slowed and came to a stop, staring out into the pasture. Alex had given her more than a roof over her head and food. He had given her respect, consideration and love. None of which she was giving him credit for at the moment.
A cold gust of wind asked why she was standing out here alone. Turning to see what Alex was doing, she found him still standing beside the truck looking bewildered. No wonder. She clutched her coat closer and walked back to him.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I never asked because it wasn’t important to me. I have everything I want right now. I have you. You take good care of me and I’ve never heard from one bill collector. What is there to ask about?”
He shook his head. “Carmen, I never meant to hide anything from you. I have a lot of paperwork from the clinic and from investments. It never occurred to me that you would want to be burdened with the details. You never asked . . . but when Katie said that, I thought you had complained to her about it.”
“She thought that if something happened to you . . . It isn’t that I don’t want to be burdened with the work. I’ll be glad to help you. I just don’t want to pry into your private life.”
“My private life? Carmen, we’re married.”
She gazed up at him and then smiled.
“What are you trying to say . . . that you don’t have any privacy now that you’re married?”
His expression remained sober.
“This is serious, Carmen.”
A warm flush wiped the smile from her face.
“You’re right. It is serious. If you want me to know about your finances, then show me. If you want help, I’ll help. But as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter how much or how little money you have.”
She moved close to him and gazed up into those delicious chocolate eyes.
“At night when I wake up and hear you breathing, I feel safe. When you look at me . . . the way you are right now, I feel loved. Those are the things that have true value. Money is just wealth.”
He reached out and ran a finger down her cheek in a soft caress that increased her pulse.
“And when you’re home alone . . . without any hope of children, are you lonely?”
Her stomach contracted. How did he know?
His mouth twitched in a pained grimace. “That’s what I thought.”
She reached up, sliding her hand behind his neck and drawing his face down to hers. “Stop it, Alex,” she said with her lips close to his, and then kissed his lips passionately.
For a moment he didn’t respond at all. Finally he drew her close and participated in the passion. There was no point in discussing that painful subject. She had made her choice and it was still a good one. Babies grow up, but Alex would be her mate for life. In the mean time, there were moms who needed babysitters. Soon they would have two nephews to enjoy, and Katie could use the help.
Finally Alex broke the embrace. He gazed down at her soberly.
“I have a bookkeeper. I don’t need help. I enjoy working with numbers now and then. I just don’t want to spend all day every day on it. The bookkeeper’s name and number are in the top right drawer of my desk. If you ever want to know anything – or, if something should happen to me, just contact her. You’re welcome to look at anything on my computer. I’ll give you the access code.”
She touched his lips with an index finger. “The only thing I want is you.”
He smiled, grabbing her hand, turning it palm up and planting a soft kiss in the middle.
“And the money is ours, not mine.”
She stroked his face. “Whatever.”
The subject never came up again and she never checked the computer. He had made arrangements. No matter what Katie or Alex said or thought, exploring the extent of his wealth was uncomfortable for her. Marrying Alex wasn’t a career choice. Well, in a way it was. Being a housewife was a career. Yet, why was it that when a woman married a man with money and merely washed his clothes, cooked his meals, cleaned up after him and tended his stock . . . why did people think he was taking care of her? It all boiled down to money – who had a paycheck to measure the importance of their labor and who didn’t. But then, the typical American wife would never turn over the decision making to her husband, either. Considering all the things she had heard, husbands as responsible and trustworthy as Alex were a rare breed.
While the subject of finances was settled, the same could not be made about babysitting. One night while they were quietly eating supper together, she decided it was a good time to talk to him about it.
“They are still short-handed in the nursery at church,” she said. “Would you mind if I volunteered – on a regular basis?”
“You’d be in the nursery while I was in church?”
She nodded. Surely he understood the importance – both to her and the church.
He lifted a brow. “Would you mind if I stayed home?”
She frowned. “If you don’t want to go to church, I guess it’s alright. I’d have to drive my own car . . . but we all would sure miss you. I didn’t know you felt that way about church. You always seemed to enjoy it.”
He nodded. “I do.”
“Then why would you want to stay home?”
His smile was sardonic. “I didn’t say I wanted to stay home. I asked if you minded if I did.”
“Sure I would. I like going to church with you.”
His gaze was intent. “Exactly.”
She stared at her plate, a warm flush starting up her neck. He shouldn’t have to draw a picture for her. It wasn’t the fact that she would be in the nursery that bothered him. It was the fact that she wouldn’t be at his side. What was she thinking of? Her face burned warmer. She was thinking about her desire to be with children – instead of how that would make him feel.
“I know someone needs to watch the babies,” he said, “but I’d rather you didn’t do that right now – not on a regular basis, anyway. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to hold babies after the twins are born.”
She nodded, her attention still focused on her plate. Maybe it was wrong to pray for a baby when he was so certain that it was impossible. Still, she did. It seemed impossible that someone like Alex could be sterile. He practically oozed testosterone. That deep voice; his perfect health; the way he looked . . . and made love. How could it possibly be? Still, it wasn’t his choice to get mumps as a child. According to the book in the library, Mumps rarely caused sterility, though it might cause lowered fertility. So, clinically speaking, it was possible . . .
Alex cleared his throat. “You know, we could adopt a baby.”
Her gaze shot up to his face. Adopt? She shook her head. “I don’t think I could stand it if the mother changed her mind.”
He eyed her warily. “Is that the only reason?”
She shrugged. “No, but it’s the main reason.”
He waited for an explanation, but she had said all she was going to say on the subject. He let the subject drop.
Two weeks later she was certain they wouldn’t have to renew the subject again. She was over two weeks late for her menstrual cycle and felt a little nauseous. Once again she visited the library, this time to research the symptoms of pregnancy. Yes, her breasts were sore. Headaches and mood swings – not yet, anyway. Bloating . . . definitely; fatigue and cravings . . . well, she had been tired, but her appetite had decreased, not increased. No spotting or cramps, but she did have motion sickness. Of course, that was nothing new. She left the library knowing little more than before she arrived.
If she went to the doctor, Alex would see the bill. However, he didn’t scrutinize the grocery bill. She purchased a pregnancy test kit at the store. Unable to wait, she started the test and then put up the groceries. When she came back to check it, the results were negative. She pitched it in the trash and then paused at the door. She would take the trash out before he got home tonight. In any event, he never used that bathroom. He preferred the one in their bedroom, leaving her the privacy of her own bathroom.
She left the room in a depressed mood and started cleaning the house. When lunch time arrived, she wasn’t interested in eating. She was in the bathroom of their bedroom mopping the floor when the front door closed. She glanced at her watch. Alex must have come home for lunch. He usually called, but . . . She reached for the telephone on her hip, but it was gone. The strap must have caught on something while she was cleaning, because it was loose. She gave the floor one last swipe with the mop as she backed out the door.
“Carmen?” Alex called as he started down the hall.
“In here,” she said. “Be careful where you walk, my phone fell out someplace when I was cleaning.
He stepped into the bedroom, glanced at the mop in her hand and then let his gaze run around the room.
“Here it is,” He said, reaching down by the bed. “It must have fallen out while you were making the bed.”
She took the phone from him, avoiding his gaze as she put it back in the holster and hooked the Velcro latch.
“Did you call?”
When he didn’t answer, she dropped the mop in the bucket and looked at his face to see if he was angry. His expression was more concern than anger.
“I called to tell you I was coming home for lunch.” He smiled and reached for her. “You look so worried. It happens sometimes, honey. Don’t worry about it.”
Tears stung her eyes as she moved into his waiting arms. They hugged for a moment and then she stepped back, avoiding his gaze.
“I’ll fix you something to eat.”
“I’ll get washed up,” he said as she exited the bedroom into the hallway.
She headed for the kitchen, fighting back tears. Sometimes it was easier to accept his disappointment than sympathy. Of course, he couldn’t know the true source of her tears . . .
The sound of water running in her bathroom brought her up short. Naturally he didn’t use his bathroom. She had just mopped it. She resumed her course to the kitchen. He probably wouldn’t notice the trash can anyway. The water stopped running, but he didn’t come out of the bathroom immediately. She sliced some roast beef and made him a sandwich. As she was putting it in a saucer, he wandered into the living room, looking at something in his hand.
“What is this,” he asked, his tone indicating he knew what he was holding.
His gaze lifted to her, studying her face. “Why didn’t you just go to the doctor?”
There was no point in trying to conceal the truth now. The cat was out of the bag – or the rabbit. She met his stern gaze.
“I figured you’d be upset when you found out.”
He nodded. “And you figured I wouldn’t know about this?” He held up the tester.
She simply nodded. What more was there to say?
He sighed. “Well, I am upset, but not because you bought a tester and not because you were trying to hide it from me.” He made a face. “I’m ashamed that you felt the need to hide it from me, though.” He walked into the kitchen, stepped on the trash can lid opener and dropped the tester in the trash. “I’m upset because you didn’t go to the doctor.” His troubled gaze came back to her. “Have you ever been late before?”
Warmth crawled up her neck as she put his sandwich on the table and watched him wash his hands in the kitchen sink. “Yes, but not this late.”
He nodded again. “If you’re late enough to be concerned about pregnancy, you need to see the doctor. You might have an infection.”
He dried his hands on a paper towel and threw it in the trash. His troubled gaze studied her as he sat down at the table.
“I hate to see you building yourself up for a let down like this.”
She poured him a cup of coffee and sat down across the table from him.
“Having to give up all hope is worse than the temporary down of finding out I’m not pregnant. It could happen you know. They say that mumps rarely causes sterility.”
He leaned back in his chare, watching her reflectively. Finally he shrugged and sat forward, reaching for his sandwich.
“I know it’s rare. My father was a doctor. But it does happen.” He took a bite of his sandwich and swallowed before he continued. “I suppose the loss of all hope is what depression is all about. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up every time you’re a day late. Most of all, I don’t want you to avoid the doctor when there could be something wrong.”
“Mom and Dad wanted a baby, and they didn’t give up. Sometimes it takes a long time and a lot of praying, but I’m living proof it can happen even after many years.”
Alex groaned. “I don’t want to wait until I’m a half-century old to start raising children . . . not when there are so many children who need parents now.”
That was true enough, but maybe it wouldn’t happen that way. Many times people gave up trying and adopted – only to immediately become pregnant. What a mess that would be.
He was quiet while he ate his sandwich. Finally he took another sip of his coffee and leaned back in his chair, studying her.
“I can’t deny the power of prayer, or the virtue of tenacity. Maybe your parents just got lucky.” He smiled. “They did get lucky. They must have been proud of you.”
She lifted one shoulder and made a face. “They were. I was their only child.”
He continued to watch her. “But you’re not spoiled or self-centered.”
She shrugged. What could she say? What did he want her to say?
“I’m sorry, Carmen.” He said.
“For what?”
“That the test was negative.” He took another sip of his coffee and leaned forward, setting the cup on the table.
“I want to have a baby,” she said, leaning toward him. “More than anything else, I want to have your baby. Maybe I will some day, but whatever happens, I’m not sorry I married you. Some day maybe we’ll have children – somehow. I don’t know what’s in the future. I just know it would be empty without you.” She stood. “After Mom died, Dad was lost. I think he died of a broken heart.” She sighed. “I think now I understand how he felt about her.”
Maybe it was time to tell him about the place on the mountain. At this point she wasn’t sure why she felt uncomfortable about telling him – maybe because she had hid so many things from him already and he was hurt by that. Sooner or later she would tell him, and he would know how important it was to her – and that she had hid it from him.
Alex stood and pulled her into his arms. “Go to the doctor, sweetheart.”
“I will,” she said.
Going to the doctor turned out to be unnecessary. The next morning she woke to cramps - and the unwelcome fact that she was not pregnant. When Alex came in for his breakfast, he dropped into his chair and took one long look at her.
“You started your period,” he stated flatly.
She merely nodded.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” And that was the last thing said about the incident.