Scarred

“Thanks, Luke.” She gave him a huge smile and he gathered her in his arms and they walked towards the front door. I watched as they left and felt something inside of me crumble. I was coming apart. The pills hadn’t worked. I wondered if I should take two more.

“Hey, Bryce. I’m always here for you.” Suzannah smiled and purred up at me and Mary winked at me. I felt nauseous and couldn’t believe I had put up with these girls in high school.

“Hey, what’s going on everyone?” Anna walked into the kitchen with a huge smile and a buzzed look on her face.

“Your friends just left, rat face.” Suzannah laughed at her.

“What?” Anna frowned.

“Lexi and Luke left.” Suzannah laughed. “Ha, even their names go together. I guess they do make a cute couple.”

“They aren’t together.” Anna and I spoke at the same time and I gave her a small smile.

“Do you really think they’re not going home to f**k right now?” Suzannah laughed. “You two are soo gullible. I’m sure they’ve been f**k buddies for years.”

“Wash your mouth out, Suz,” I growled at her. I turned away from her and walked up the stairs quickly. I needed to lie down for a second. My head was pounding and I could barely keep my eyes open.

***

I woke up in the middle of the night in pitch black and confused. I couldn’t really remember the events of the night before and I wasn’t sure how I had gotten in bed. But I sensed immediately that there was a na**d woman next to me. I could feel her body pressed up against mine and I stilled. I turned to peek at her face, but it was so dark that I wasn’t sure who it was.

All I could remember was that Lexi had left with Luke and Suzannah telling me that Lexi and Luke had been f**k buddies for years. Lexi had fooled me by telling me she was a virgin. I had always suspected that she and Luke had more going on than they pretended to have. I felt a jolt of pain dart through my heart and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to think about Lexi. I couldn’t afford to think about Lexi. She was nothing to me. She didn’t want me now and if she knew the truth about the night with Eddie, she wouldn’t want me then either.

I reached over and pulled the woman closer to me and closed my eyes as I ran my hands up and down her na**d body. She groaned as she woke up and leaned over to kiss me. The kiss wasn’t especially sensual, but it was filled with need. I kissed her hard and she kissed me back hard. She ran her hands up and down my chest and I rolled her over onto her back. I still had my jeans on, so I undid them and pulled them off, throwing them across the floor. I didn’t think about what I was doing. I just did it.

As I reached down and slid into her, I felt my body go numb. I moved in and out like a robot as she groaned under me. She wriggled against me and grabbed me, yet I felt nothing for this unknown woman. Only the need to relieve myself of my pent up frustration. I was disgusted with myself for ha**g s*x with this woman, when my heart was with another. I finished quickly and pulled out, as I was about to finish. I rolled over and lay in the bed with my back to her. She cuddled up to me and I sighed. I’d have to have a talk with Suzannah in the morning. I’d have to tell her that this meant nothing and I didn’t want to be back with her. Just because Lexi had someone else didn’t mean I was just going to settle.

My head was aching when I finally woke up in the morning. The sunlight streaming through my window roused me out of my sleep. I stretched and immediately stilled as I felt the na**d body pressed up against me. I went to slide out of the bed but I felt her hand reach around and grab me. I sighed as I turned towards Suzannah, hoping she wasn’t going to make this more difficult than it needed to be.

“Morning,” she whispered as she kissed my back and I pushed her hand away from me. I didn’t want her to mistake my morning hardness for wanting her.

“Morning.” I turned over, ready to have the conversation and my heart stilled as I made eye contact. I felt my heart sink and my eyes widen as I saw who was in my bed. It wasn’t Suzannah who had decided to stay the night and, as I closed my eyes, I wondered how the hell I was going to get out of this mess.

Chapter 13

“I’ve come to take you out for pancakes.” Luke showed up at my door bright and early with a huge smile.

“Ugh. I just want to go back to sleep,” I groaned and let him in.

“No more sleeping.”

“Let me sleep, jail warden.” I stuck my tongue out at him and rubbed my head. “I have a headache and I just want to forget last night.”

“Lexi, at least you know now, before it’s too late.” Luke’s voice was calm and patient.

“What?” I sighed. “That Bryce told the whole school my business, that everyone thinks I’m the reason why Eddie killed himself, which I may be, or because Bryce seems to have an anger/alcohol problem?”

“Lexi, you’re not responsible for Eddie’s death.” Luke put his arm around me as I sat down on my bed.

“I just don’t know what to think, Luke.” I put my head on his shoulder. “I’ve hated him for so long for what he tried to do, but, I mean, he had to have some sort of issues.”

“Whatever issues he had weren’t your fault, Lexi.”

“Maybe I could have saved him?”

“How could you have saved your near rapist, Lexi?” Luke pulled my face up to his. “Look, Lexi, you are not at fault here.”

“I know,” I sighed. “It just seems too much.”

“You know Bryce and his friends have issues. It comes from being too privileged.”

“Bryce is a good guy, Luke,” I sighed.

“Whatever.” Luke rolled his eyes. “He’s not good enough for you.”

“I like him, Luke.” I stared at him. “I want to get to know him better. I want to be there for him.”

“Why, Lexi? You barely know him.” He sighed and pulled away from me. “I just don’t understand, what does he have that makes him so irresistible to you?”

“There’s just something about him.”

“You don’t even know him, Lexi. He’s just some guy from high school. Okay, so he’s blond and hot, and he was the football star. But we are adults now.”

“Luke, he saved me from being raped. Do you understand that?”

“He’s not your savior, Lexi. You were nearly raped by his best friend,” he shouted at me. “It was the least he could do.”

“He saved me, Luke,” I cried out to him. “Why don’t you understand?”

“I’m sorry, Lexi. I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he cried out in anguish.

“It’s not your fault, Luke.” I stared at his pained face. “I don’t blame you for not being there.”

“I can’t keep doing this, Lexi,” he sighed and stood up. “I can’t just sit by and watch you fling yourself at a guy who doesn’t deserve you.”

“Who does deserve me, Luke?” I jumped up. “I don’t see many guys knocking my door down. I’m fed up of being alone.”

“You don’t have to be alone, Lexi.” He spoke quietly and I stilled. I was scared at what he was going to say next. “I’ve always been here for you.”

“You’re my best friend, Luke.”

“Maybe I want to be more.”

“No, no you don’t.” My words were panicked and unsure. “You’re just confused.” I stepped away from him and avoided his gaze.

“Haven’t you ever thought about it?” His voice was pained. “We get on so well.”

“Anna likes you,” I burst out. “I swear to God, she likes you.”

“I don’t like Anna like that.”

“You don’t know. Please Luke,” I cried, “I can’t deal with this right now.”

“With what, Lexi? Living in reality? Does it always have to be a daydream? You don’t even know Bryce.”

“I do.” I looked in his eyes and my heart broke at the intense emotion I saw reflected there. “I’m sorry, Luke.”

“Yeah.” He sat on my bed. “What can I say? I tried.”

“You don’t know Bryce like I do, Luke.” I sighed and pulled out a small box from under my bed and opened it and pulled out a handful of letters. “These are from Bryce.”

“What are they?” He looked at me in confusion.

“I wrote to him when he went to war.” I bit my lip. “We corresponded for about a year. He’s a good guy, Luke. A sincere guy.”

“But he’s been gone for longer than a year.” He frowned.

“I stopped writing.” I looked at him, anxiously. “I didn’t want to out myself and I didn’t want to live in a dream world. I know you are worried for me, Luke. I know you think I don’t know him. But I do. He’s a good guy, Luke. A really good guy. He just has a lot of scars.”

“We all do, Lexi,” he sighed.

“Luke, your life is perfect. You’re smart, handsome, with great parents, money and you have me as a best friend.” I tried to make a joke at the end and he smiled back at me vacantly.

“Sometimes the deepest scars are the ones you don’t see, Lexi.” His words were clipped and short and something inside of me broke. I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I knew that the burden I was carrying was eating me up inside.

“So can I see one of the letters?” Luke interrupted my reverie and offered me a half-smile. “If he’s going to be your boyfriend, I suppose I should see just how deep he really is.”

“Oh, Luke.” I pulled him towards me and gave him a hug. “I love you soo much. I don’t know what I would ever do without you.”

Luke pulled out a letter and opened it. “Can I read it out loud?”

“Sure,” I smiled. I wanted him to understand why Bryce was so near and dear to my heart.

“Ok, well he has nice handwriting.” He laughed and opened up the letter.

Dear Miss,

Your last letter couldn’t have come at a better time for me. One of my friends was sent home last week, due to a injury in combat. It’s weird writing that. I never thought that I would ever write those words. But, then again, I never thought I would be in the military either. I was never a fan of watching war movies when I growing up. Did you know I had to keep my eyes closed through most of ‘Saving Private Ryan’?

Thanks for the brownies you sent. They went down a treat. I shared them with my unit and they all say anytime you want to send more, feel free. You’re a good cook. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you are a baker or in culinary school? Am I right? Sorry if I’m prying too much. I just want to get to know as much about you as possible. Did you know that when I was in high school I took a home economics class? My best friend and I thought it would be a great way to meet girls. Ssh, don’t tell anyone.

I wanted to let you know how important your letters are to me. When I read them, I feel like I have a kindred spirit out there. Someone who understands what it means to feel confused and misunderstood by life. Someone who also has inner pains that no one knows about. Sometimes I think that life has thrown me a wrench because everyone else thinks I’ve had it too good. And maybe that’s the way it should be. I’ve done some really horrible things in my life. And had some real tragedies. Sometimes I just want to die. I’m sorry if that sounds morbid, but sometimes when I look in the mirror and I see this golden boy that everyone loves, I think to myself, if only everyone knew the real you, would they love you then?

I’ve been such a selfish boy in my life and now that I’m becoming a man, (the war will do that to you) I want to be a better person. A bigger person. I want to be a person that I can respect and, hopefully, one day you respect as well.

I hope to hear from you soon. With all the love and thanks from my unit.

Bryce

Luke’s voice trailed off as he finished reading the letter and he looked up at me with a half-smile. “So, I’ll give it to you. He’s deeper than I thought.”

“He’s a nice guy, Luke.”

“So does he know you wrote the letters?” He paused. “I’m confused by the Miss name.”

“No, not yet. Unless he figured it out.” I smiled, wistfully. “That would be kind of awesome though, if he knew it was me all along.”

“That would be romantic.” Luke’s voice was tense. “I guess you guys are meant to be.”

I grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes. “You know, I’ve always believed in soul mates, Luke. I think he could be the one.”

“If you think so, Lexi. That’s what is most important.” He squeezed my hand back. “I just want you to be happy.”

“He makes me soo happy, Luke. It’s like he gets the inner me and wants to know the inner me. It’s like he was made for me.”

“I see.”

“He is, literally, my Prince Charming. He saved me once and I feel like he is going to save me again.”

“Save you from what?”

“My mom.” I rolled my eyes. “I can’t take it anymore, Luke. I don’t want to break her heart or leave her penniless, but I can’t sacrifice my life to stay here with her.”

“You’re not sacrificing your life, Lexi.” He looked at me with a concerned look. “She’s your mom.”

“You don’t understand,” I sighed.

“Not like Bryce does, huh?” He sighed as well.