Saving Lawson

“See, I’ve got fight in me.”

“And now you’re letting your ego get to your head.”

I chuckled and stopped immediately. God, the pain. “Well, you were right, and I wanted to be like you. I wanted to have your spirit.”

He contemplated my words before sighing. “Yeah, well, fuckers like me don’t have a spirit, Ry. We’re dead on the inside. But bein’ here with you… it’s been a fucking great ride.”

I knew he was telling me this because he was due out in a matter of weeks. The thought of being without the guy I spent my days with had me panicked and torn. He was a good friend despite how frightening he could be.

“If you ever need help out in the real world,” he added, solemnly, “you can trust that I’ll be there for you, right?”

I nodded. “I appreciate that.”

But he wasn’t finished. He was troubled by something. He ran a hand through his dark thick hair and whispered, “Don’t go down the same road as I did, either. Don’t fuck up your life. Don’t go down the shitter just because you’ve been burned, Ry. The world’s a fuckin’ dump, sure, but if you look hard enough, there’s good there.”

I nodded again, but in my heart I knew he was wrong. There was no more good in this world.

I had already come to terms with that.

Ten

Allie

I always prided myself on trying to be honest every step of the way. Even if the truth was hard to deal with, I owed it to anyone that wanted to know.

Ryker damaged me. He fed me lies and hid parts of himself that were still a mystery to me. I felt him slipping through from my fingers long before he was arrested. I’d always known a relationship could only function when honesty was fundamental. Because with honesty there came communication, and when you could communicate everything with the person you were meant to share your life with, miscommunication became a thing of the past.

I wondered if Heath was slipping through my fingers too. Maybe I’d been naïve to think that everything between us had been perfect. Maybe I’d been grasping for a happily ever after and I ignored all the signs the way I did with his brother.

All I kept thinking about was the way he effortlessly lied to me. It came out quick and easy, like he’d done it before. Had he? If he lied to me about where he was all night, what other lies could there be?

I swallowed a lump, pondering the possibility while wanting nothing more than to clench my chest and ease my aching heart. I couldn’t deal with him hurting me. God, if he broke my heart… I’d given it to him so willingly – so blindingly!

Ever since that night he came home with questionable scratches on his face, he’d become closed off around me. While he’d been adamant I had no right not to trust him, I begged to differ. He was carrying a big secret in front of me. He continued to leave some nights, only this time he didn’t offer an explanation – or a lie – about his whereabouts. After, he would come home, barely say a word to me, and spend most of his time with Kayden.

Then, to make it worse, I heard strange rumours when I was in class before a random girl came up to me and said, “I’m sorry about Heath. Men are dogs, huh?” I didn’t understand it for some days, not until I heard from a class friend that filled me in on the gossip. Apparently for a while Heath’s fangirls had thought that because I hadn’t showed up at his fights, I’d probably caught him with another girl.

At first, I was a little relieved that Heath was genuinely fighting still. But then they said the name Trudy and all relief turned into bitter anger. That anger for the possibility of his unfaithfulness with that bitch grew inside of me every night he came home late. I wondered if he was with her, even walked into the rooms he’d leave and see if he left the smell of perfume behind.

I was turning into a crazy, paranoid girl.

The gap in our bed grew bigger, and neither of us were willing to close it. I was hurt and angry and suspicious of everything. I was dying to know what was so important to be shoved aside like I was. I felt pathetic and needy, and soon I was depressed by allowing a man determine my happiness!

Regardless of how in love I was with him, I refused to be treated less than I deserved. I wasn’t going to be another doormat for someone to walk all over, and I was not going to live with being lied to either. I fought the depression by hardening my heart and focusing every bit of my energy in my classes and Kayden. I ignored the rumours and the stares. Stares that dripped of pity or amusement. I wasn’t going to let it get to me – after all, I put myself in this position to begin with, and I should have known what to expect.

Being with someone always means risking having your heart broken, and at the end of the day, it’s nobody’s fault but your own. You made the leap. You chose to step in, blind but with both eyes open. That’s what it takes to fall in love, and it’s scary but wonderful at the same time.

It also hurts like a motherfucker.

One week later, we started clearing out the apartment for the move. Heath was reasonable to deal with. He didn’t lock his jaw around me like he was fighting to hold back words. He packed most of the stuff while I looked after Kayden, and at random times he’d stop and just look at me. I wouldn’t look back. I pretended to be busy, but I could feel the heat of his gaze on my back, and it felt like we’d rewound the clocks and were now stuck in our old pattern of awkward interactions.

Every time he carried a big box out of the apartment, I’d stop what I was doing and watch him. It was hard not to admire a sweaty, built man that made your heart pound harder and your mind dizzy with lust. He was particularly beautiful this day, wearing a tight white tee that made his biceps strain against the sleeves. The words, “Bro, do you even lift?” took up his entire back in giant bold letters, making me roll my eyes at his ego. And it was these short moments that made my heart thaw and my walls crumble. I wanted to race to him, to tell him it was okay, that he could keep whatever he wanted from me so long as I could feel his love for me again.

Of course I didn’t. I was too proud.

It took the morning to empty most of the apartment, and at the new house, it took an entire afternoon to organize all our things. We didn’t have that much stuff, so the house was still bare and in need of more furniture. We made several trips back and forth, and we were well aware we’d have to be at the apartment at least another night before everything was completely cleared. So we kept the bed behind for the night and the bare essentials.