Saving Lawson

“It’s nothing to do with you. It’s…”

I waited for her to continue. With bated breath, I hoped for a good excuse. However, all I could think about was Ryker standing in our way and my paranoia feasted on my fears.

“Is it Ryker?” I bit out angrier than I’d intended. “You don’t want me because of him. Do you… do you still love him, Allie?”

“No,” she answered quickly, shaking her head against me. “No, Heath. It has nothing to do with Ryker. I’m so tired of you thinking I’m in love with him.”

“How does someone fall out of love with somebody, Allie?” I was surprised by my plea. I genuinely needed to know the answer. “I don’t get it. Because… the way I feel for you, how in love I am with you, it’ll be a cold day in hell before these feelings lessen.”

She exhaled and buried her face in her hands. “I was never in love with Ryker. He… He was my best friend. I’ve told you this a lot of times already. You’re choosing not to believe it, and I’m asking you to stop.”

“Then tell me why you can’t commit. Are you uncertain of me? Do you think you’ll walk away one day or –”

“No, Heath, it’s nothing like that.”

“Then what is it? I can’t know unless you tell me.”

I tried to turn her face to me, but she refused, not meeting my eye. “I’d like to get my school done first. I just think marriage should come at a time when you’re in a stable situation. Right now, I don’t have a job and I’m far from stable.”

I waited for more – I knew there was more – but she stopped there, and I felt foolish for opening my mouth in the first place. Fucked up I must have been to think she’d blindly want it like me. To think she’d jump in today if the opportunity presented itself. Something was holding her back, and I had a feeling whatever it was didn’t relate to her education or her “stability”.

“Don’t make this change things,” she then added cautiously. “Please, Heath.”

I shook my head slightly. “It won’t,” I muttered, but I wasn’t sure if I believed in my own words. One second everything was absolute, and then the next it was a fucking unpredictable road again. I knew deep inside I just wanted to give her my name, and by then everyone would know who she belonged to. It was sick feeling this possessive, but I wasn’t going to sugar coat how I felt about it.

Caveman thinking or not, she belonged with me.

I locked my jaw and didn’t bother pressing her for answers. She wouldn’t give me them anyway. Once my arms loosened around her, she moved away and started putting her pants back on. I watched her closely. Allie barely had a poker face. She laid it all out there, and right now she was doing her best to appear normal, but her hesitation showed everywhere: in her trembling fingers and inability to look me in the eye.

“I’ve got another fight tonight,” I then said in an effort to bring back some normalcy. Truth was, I felt like a fucking idiot.

“I know,” she replied quietly. “You told me already.”

I stood up and did up my jeans. “Just reminding you, babe.”

As if something had suddenly occurred to her, she turned and faced me. “Did you see Matt around at your last fight?”

Confused by her random question, I shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t remember. I go in and fight and then get the fuck out. I’m too busy racing home to be with you than to stop and chat with the boys. Why?”

“He told me today he didn’t see you fighting last week, and I found that odd because he’s always at the fights.”

Shit. “Why were you talking to Matt? You phone him up or something?”

She frowned at my tone, but I wasn’t happy she was talking to player Matt at all. “No, he crashed his car and has been taking the bus. His Uncle lives around the corner from Mom’s house, so he was on the same ride as me. He seemed a little down, and I think he has some issues with his Uncle or something, but the guy seemed nice enough when I walked by. I guess it’s the same thing with what’s going on with Mom and me, right?”

I didn’t fucking care about his problems with his Uncle, I wanted to say.

I was a little rattled, but I hid my emotions. I never stopped to think he might be the one to fuck this up before I was ready to bring it to Allie.

“Lately Matt’s been heavily into drugs and alcohol,” I replied, crossing my arms as I leaned back against the counter. “I wouldn’t listen to what he does or doesn’t remember.”

Allie stared at me oddly then, and I saw the note of suspicion there in her eyes. What the hell did I say to get that look?

“Why don’t you talk to him?” she then asked curiously. “He’s been meaning to catch up with you, and I haven’t heard you talking about him for a while now.”

“He’s not that good of a friend of mine. He was Ryker’s buddy first.”

“But he’s a good guy, Heath. Better than…” Her words trailed off and her face darkened.

Fuckin’ here we go again. The Marko hate train. I was growing tired of her loathing him. She didn’t know him at all, and for someone that didn’t appreciate being judged, she did an awful lot of fucking judging when it came to him.

“You have to stop this obsession with hating Marko,” I told her. “You’ve got him all wrong.”

“Did you hear the rumours about him?”

“Which ones?”

“Which ones?” she repeated incredulously. “Like the ones about him and what he did to his sister. Those ones.”

My chest tightened. I shut my eyes and shook my head, more to myself than her. “Allie,” I started, trying to reign in my temper. “Babe, people don’t know what they’re talking about. Marko never raped his sister –”

“Apparently he’s in love with her and he even put a boyfriend of hers in the hospital. Broke his legs or some shit.”

I groaned and shook my head yet again. “No, Allie. People paint the stories in black and white. It’s easy to fuck up someone’s reputation when they twist the truth around. Doesn’t that sound familiar? Like with you, that’s not an excuse to hate someone based on bullshit.”

I could tell by the look in her eyes, she didn’t agree. “I understand what you’re saying. But he showed up out of nowhere, Heath, and he beats you at a fight that you had to win. And what did that result in? You had to scrape for more money and then you had to kill a guy because you didn’t have enough.”