Sanine

Three days afterwards, late in the evening, Lida came home sad, tired,

and heavy-hearted. On reaching her room, she stood still, with hands

clasped, and stared at the floor. She suddenly realized, to her horror,

that in her relations with Sarudine she had gone too far. For the first

time since that strange moment of irreparable weakness she perceived

what a humiliating hold this empty-headed officer had over her,

inferior as he was to herself in every way. She must now come if he

called; she could no longer trifle with him as she liked, submitting to

his kisses or laughingly resisting them. Now, like a slave, she must

endure and obey.

How this had come about she could not comprehend. As always, she had

ruled him, had borne with his amorous attentions; all had been as

agreeable, amusing, and exciting, as heretofore. Then came a moment

when her whole frame seemed on fire and her brain clouded as by a mist,

annihilating all except the one mad desire to plunge into the abyss. It

was as if the earth gave way beneath her feet; she lost control of her

limbs, conscious only of two magnetic eyes that gazed boldly into hers.

Her whole being was thrilled and shaken with passion; she became the

sacrifice of overwhelming lust; and yet she longed once more that such

passionate experiences might be repeated. At the very thought of it all

Lida trembled; she raised her shoulders and hid her face in her hands.

With faltering steps she crossed the room and opened the window. For a

long while she gazed at the moon that hung just above the garden, and

in distant foliage a nightingale sang. Grief oppressed her. She felt

strangely agitated by a sense of remorse and of wounded pride to think

that she had ruined her life for a silly, shallow man, and that her

false step had been foolish, base, and, indeed, accidental. The future

seemed threatening; but she sought to dissipate her fears by obstinate

bravado.

"Well, I did it, and there's an end of it!" she said to herself,

frowning, and striving to find some sort of grim satisfaction from this

hackneyed phrase. "What nonsense it all is! I wanted to do it and I did

it; and I felt so happy--oh, so happy! It would have been silly not to

enjoy myself when the moment came. I must not think of it; it can't be

helped, now."

She languidly withdrew from the window and began to undress, letting

her clothes slip from her on to the floor. "After all, one only lives

once," she thought, shivering at the touch of the cool night air on her

bare shoulders and arms. "What should I have gained by waiting till I

was lawfully married? And of what good would that have been to me? It's

all the same thing! What is there to worry about?"