Safe with Me

“Stop hurting my mommy!” Josie cries just as the edges of my vision begin to darken and I see stars.

Just as Maddie lets out an ear-piercing scream, I knee the inside of his thigh, hard, and am suddenly freed and pushed away from him, rolled onto my stomach, gasping and wheezing.

I cover my throat with my hands and cough, pull myself up onto my knees and watch Caleb’s eyes clear, the blankness replaced with horror and disgust. He scrambles away from me, in a backwards crab-crawl, until his back hits the wall.

The girls are huddled together in the doorway, clinging to each other with wide eyes, crying for me.

“Fuck me,” Caleb whispers, and my head whips around to find his knees pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped around them, and his face in his hands. He’s shaking violently.

“Caleb,” I manage, my voice hoarse, but he cringes back away from my touch and shakes his head adamantly no.

I jump from the floor and run to my babies, pull them into my arms and carry them back into their bedroom, to the full sized bed they’ve been sharing.

“Why was Caleb hurting you?” Josie sniffles and buries her face against my chest as Maddie clings to me and buries her face in my neck.

“He didn’t mean to,” I reassure them, repeating it over and over again, while reassuring myself. I kiss their heads and breathe in their sweet baby shampoo smells, rocking them back and forth. “He was having a bad nightmare.”

“He sounded scared,” Maddie murmurs and sniffles.

“I think he’s still scared,” I whisper and kiss her forehead.

“Maybe we should hug him,” Josie whispers, but cowers deeper into me.

My brave, sweet girls.

“I think Caleb needs to be alone for a little while, but you can give him lots of hugs in the morning, okay?”

They both nod. “Will you lay with us for a while?” Josie asks.

“Of course,” I reply and tuck them in, then lay with them, smoothing their hair from their faces and murmuring to them. I brush the tears from their soft cheeks and kiss them both over and over again.

“I’m okay, babies.”

“Love you, mama,” Josie whispers as she falls back into sleep.

“Love you too, brave girl.”

Maddie is already snoring softly, both of them have fallen into an exhausted sleep, and I leave them and prepare myself to confront Caleb.

Poor Caleb.

The lights are still on in the living room and I find him there, sitting on the couch, knees spread and elbows propped on his knees, his face in his hands.

“Caleb,” I whisper and his head whips up, his face in utter anguish as his bright blue eyes find mine.

“I’m so damn sorry,” he replies, his voice full of the anguish written all over his face.

“It’s not your fault.” I move to him, sit down next to him, but he pulls away.

“I shouldn’t touch you.”

“Caleb…”

“I could have killed you.” His voice breaks as he braces his face in his hands again. “Oh my God!”

“You weren’t going to kill me, Caleb.”

“Yes, I was! If I hadn’t woken up, I could have choked you out, or broken your neck.” He lowers his gaze to my throat and winces at the sight of what I can only imagine is bruises beginning to take shape. “God, baby, I’m so sorry.”

“Caleb, this has never happened before. It’s been an emotional weekend.”

“It’s never happened before with you,” he corrects me. “I haven’t slept with a woman in more than four years, Bryn. I can’t risk it. My buddies have told me stories of the things I do in my sleep.” He swallows hard and shakes his head. “But God, I love sleeping with you in my arms, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually sleep when we’re together.”

He shakes his head in wonder and wipes his eyes and it breaks me that he’s crying.

“I haven’t had nightmares since our first night together.” His voice is raw with emotion and I don’t even feel my own tears running unchecked down my face. “But with you and the girls being in danger, and being on that fucking duck ride today, with all of those people, I guess it just caught up with me.”

“Explain to me about the crowds.” I sit back on the couch, facing him, and pull one leg up under me, careful not to touch him, but close enough that he can feel that I’m here.

“Crowds are the worst.” He swallows hard again and scrubs his hand over his lips as he leans back on the couch, looking up. “We are taught to always look for a choke point.”

I cock my eyebrow at him. “English, please.”

“Exit. Always know where your exits are. Crowds in Iraq are very dangerous. Those extremist fuckers will blow a whole crowd up, without hesitation.”

My heart bleeds for him as he closes his eyes, and I don’t even want to contemplate the horrors he’s seeing behind his eyelids.

“I didn’t realize you’d been in Iraq,” I murmur.

“Not often, but enough.”

He balls his hands into fists, and I can’t stand it anymore. I reach over to sooth him, rubbing my hand up and down his arm but he flinches away from me, so I climb into his lap, leaving him no choice but to wrap his arms around me.

“Listen to me, very carefully.” I pull my fingers down his face, never losing eye contact with him. “I’m okay, Caleb. You didn’t kill me. You scared me.”