Ruin Me

“Are we going to stop anywhere on the way back?” I ask, taking my phone out to text Nelli and tell her my father’s ashes have finally been laid to rest.

“Oh, yeah. I have big plans.”

“Do I even want to know what those big plans are?”

He slants his head, and hunger gleams in his eyes. “That all depends.”

My pulse is throbbing in so many places I can barely sit still. “On what?”

“On how adventurous you feel.”

“I’m feeling pretty adventurous.”

A sly grin carves his lips. “Okay, then.”

His response is so open-ended, so full of possibilities. Surprisingly, I can’t wait.

With a lot of effort, I look away from him and focus on texting.

Me: Hey! Just wanted to let you know I’m headed back. I scattered Dad’s ashes at the Tetons about an hour ago.

Nelli: How are you doing with that? Are you holding up?

Me: I’m fine. I mean I cried a little, but I don’t know... It felt kind of nice to be going through with his final wish, like he can finally be at peace. That probably sounded weird.

Nelli: Not at all. And I’m sure he’s at peace.

Me: Can you tell my mom?

She doesn’t respond and I figure she’s distracted, but then my phone rings, and her name flashes across the screen.

“Hey,” I answer. “Thought you’d call me huh?”

“Hey, sweetie.” It’s my mother’s voice that flows through the line, not Nelli’s. “I just wanted to call you and say how proud of you I am. I’m sure your father’s happy, wherever he is.”

She sounds so much like herself I start to cry again.

“I’m sure he is, too,” I whisper through my tears.

“I can’t wait for you to be home,” she says. “We’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you guys, too.” I dry the tears with the back of my hand. “A lot.”

“Take care, honey.” She hangs up.

The conversation is short and sweet, but I’m okay with that. If it had gone on longer, I’m sure she would have faded.

When I set the phone down, Jax slides his arm across the console and threads his fingers through mine. “You good?”

“You know what?” I smile through my tears. “I really am.”

We spend the next eight hours holding hands and playing road games. Around midnight, we decide to get a room, even though Jax is still okay with driving. But the stop isn’t really about the break.

The moment we step into the room, I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips to his. He reciprocates my kiss, backing me toward the bed until my legs brush against the mattress.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks breathlessly through each swipe of his tongue. “Because we can wait.”

Shaking my head, I move back and pull his shirt off. He does the same thing to me, tugging my shirt over my head.

My chest heaves as he deliberately reaches around behind me to unfasten my bra. His eyes remain fastened on me, making sure I don’t protest. When my lips stay fused, he unhooks the clasps, and the straps fall from my shoulders.

“You okay?” He sounds a bit hoarse as his gaze consumes every inch of me.

I nod then weld our lips together before I can panic. But it’s been so long since anyone has seen me this exposed that I do feel a little jittery. My nerves begin to settle, though, when he presses our bodies together and lays me down on the bed. The warmth of his body drowns out my worry and I fall blindly into kissing him.

We only break apart to finish getting undressed. Once he has a condom on, he situates above me.

“What? No Standing Wheel Barrow this time?” I joke, my jitters revealing through my voice.

Jax shakes his head as he stares down at me. “I’m saving that for another time. Right now, I just want to enjoy this.”

He shuts his eyes and sucks in a deep breath before easing into me. He moves torturously slow and I fight back the urge not to lift my hips. By the time he’s all the way in me, my skin is already damp.

He starts to rock in and out, our bodies conforming together. He gradually starts to pick up the pace, hitching my leg over his hip, sinking deeper into me. I clutch onto his shoulder blades, my nails splitting his flesh. My skin hums as he drops a kiss on my mouth, parting my lips with his tongue. I bite on his lip and he groans, pounding me hard until I’m so breathless my vision starts to spot. My muscles wind tight, and I start to lose focus as I drift off, grasping onto him.

Seconds later, Jax joins me, burying his face into the crook of my neck. His teeth nick my neck and his body gives one final jerk before he stills, his cock pulsating inside of me.

I swear, in the midst of our heavy breathing, I hear him whisper, “I love you.” But he utters it so softly I can’t be positive what I heard. What I do notice is that the idea of him saying it doesn’t seem too terrifying.

We lie that way for what feels like forever, yet at the same time when he pulls away, I feel as though I could have lain there for so much longer.

He sweeps my damp hair out of my eyes and drops a featherlike kiss on my lips.

“Thank you.” He’s dead serious and looks very un-Jax like at the moment.

“For what?”

“For letting me in.”

My heart misses a beat. “Thank you,” I reply back.

“For what?” he wonders.

“For not ruining me when I let you in.”