Resurrection

Thus he had several times in his life raised and cleansed

himself. The first time this happened was during the summer he

spent with his aunts; that was his most vital and rapturous

awakening, and its effects had lasted some time. Another

awakening was when he gave up civil service and joined the army

at war time, ready to sacrifice his life. But here the choking-up

process was soon accomplished. Then an awakening came when he

left the army and went abroad, devoting himself to art.

From that time until this day a long period had elapsed without

any cleansing, and therefore the discord between the demands of

his conscience and the life he was leading was greater than it

had ever been before. He was horror-struck when he saw how great

the divergence was. It was so great and the defilement so

complete that he despaired of the possibility of getting

cleansed. "Have you not tried before to perfect yourself and

become better, and nothing has come of it?" whispered the voice

of the tempter within. "What is the use of trying any more? Are

you the only one?--All are alike, such is life," whispered the

voice. But the free spiritual being, which alone is true, alone

powerful, alone eternal, had already awakened in Nekhludoff, and

he could not but believe it. Enormous though the distance was

between what he wished to be and what he was, nothing appeared

insurmountable to the newly-awakened spiritual being.

"At any cost I will break this lie which binds me and confess

everything, and will tell everybody the truth, and act the truth,"

he said resolutely, aloud. "I shall tell Missy the truth, tell

her I am a profligate and cannot marry her, and have only

uselessly upset her. I shall tell Mary Vasilievna. . . Oh, there

is nothing to tell her. I shall tell her husband that I,

scoundrel that I am, have been deceiving him. I shall dispose of

the inheritance in such a way as to acknowledge the truth. I

shall tell her, Katusha, that I am a scoundrel and have sinned

towards her, and will do all I can to ease her lot. Yes, I will

see her, and will ask her to forgive me.

"Yes, I will beg her pardon, as children do." . . . He

stopped---"will marry her if necessary." He stopped again, folded

his hands in front of his breast as he used to do when a little

child, lifted his eyes, and said, addressing some one: "Lord,

help me, teach me, come enter within me and purify me of all this

abomination."

He prayed, asking God to help him, to enter into him and cleanse

him; and what he was praying for had happened already: the God

within him had awakened his consciousness. He felt himself one

with Him, and therefore felt not only the freedom, fulness and

joy of life, but all the power of righteousness. All, all the

best that a man could do he felt capable of doing.