Rebel Heart

I walk by the river. Back an forth, back an forth, till I wear a path along the bank.

Jack sent me the heartstone. But no time in all the confusion to say why. Why he’d give it to Maev, tell her to find me, to give it to me. I gotta work this out.

Say Maev an Lugh’s right. That he wanted me to have the heartstone back so’s I’d know he don’t care fer me no more. Even if that was so, would he choose a bloody attack on the Free Hawks as the ideal moment? Still, maybe he thought it ’ud be his only chance. But why do it at all? If you don’t care fer somebody an they ain’t around, you don’t need to go to the trouble of tellin ’em so. You jest disappear from their life. Never send word an trust yer paths don’t cross agin.

My mind sniffs at the problem. Licks at it, nibbles it, tears it apart. Over an over till it’s like there’s somebody shoutin at the top of their voice inside my head. Then I dive in the river an dunk myself till it shuts up. An I start all over agin.

I jest cain’t git to what it means. How he might of come to ride with the Tonton. To be part of such bad deeds at Darktrees.

I ain’t never got on with posers. Lugh’s the twisty thinker. The one who’s good at riddle-me-this an puzzlers. But I cain’t ask him. He’d only carve more slices offa Jack’s character. Give that nasty little voice inside of me even more to feast on.

You don’t know nuthin about him. Not really.

He’s a thief. A chancer. A rover.

A flash back to Ike. Outside the One-Eyed Man. He calls, Hey Jack! What is it you always say? An Jack turns, smilin that crooked smile of his. Sayin, Move fast, travel light an never tell ’em yer real name.

He’ll play whatever side suits him at the time.

You know he ain’t always told you the truth.

Auriel comes to talk to me, goin on agin about how we need to go back into the vision lodge, that it’s dangerous to leave things like we did. I tell her I’m back to my old self. She jest looks at me a long moment, then goes away.

At middle day, the welcome committee announces a social. Tonight, startin at sundown, we’ll have music an dancin. They figger it’ll do the whole camp good to let off some steam an have a little fun fer a change. Lilith an Meg promise to give a song, if they can remember any that’s fit fer decent company.

What a lamentable waste of time. Apart from one thing.

It means that nobody bothers me. What with gittin stuff together fer the trip west an, now, doin this an that fer tonight as well, they let me alone. Lugh an Tommo an – at last, finally, three cheers an amen – Emmi.

All mornin she vexed me. Like a flea you cain’t shake. There I am, tryin to think, an there she is, doggin my heels. Yippin an yappin her lamebrain ideas an stupid comments. I think maybe Jack meant this, an, D’you s’pose maybe Jack meant that? an, Why’re you goin in the water agin, Saba? I’m gonna be a shaman like Auriel. Yip, yap, on an on the livelong day till I yell at her to shut the hell up or I’ll wring her scrawny neck.

I brace myself fer the usual Emmi palaver. The quivery lip, the wobbly chin, the tragic eyes. But she jest grins an says it’s nice to have me back. Then she skips off, sayin Meg promised to learn her the polka, an I ain’t seen her since.

So, huzza fer the gawdamn social.

I throw myself down on the bank. I take off the heartstone. Dangle it in front of my eyes. It turns an gleams in the sunlight, milky an dull an cool.

It’s a heartstone, Mercy says as she puts it around my neck. Your mother gave it to me, an now I’m givin it to you. You feel how cool it is? A normal stone ’ud warm up next to your body. Not this one. It stays cold until you get close to your heart’s desire. Then the stone becomes warm. The closer you get to your heart’s desire, the hotter the stone burns. That’s how you know.

The heartstone led me to Jack. Showed me who he is, time after time. An time after time, I ignored its voice. Here is yer heart’s desire. He is yer heart’s desire. At last I paid heed. Now I know to trust it.

I gave it to him. He sent me it back.

I care fer you no more. Is that what it means? Or maybe this. Come to me, find me, my heart’s desire.

I think about Jack. How he wouldn’t be shook off. How he followed me, saved me an fought by my side. How he faced down death to help me find Lugh. Reckless, courageous, infuriatin Jack. He never let me down. Not once.

But.

Jack at Darktrees. Showin the Tonton the way to the Hawks, knowin full well they’d be slaughtered. Betrayin our friends, them who fought by his side only a couple of months before.

It cain’t be so. Emmi says I know Jack in my heart. I gotta hang on to that.

I can only conceive of one reason he’d be with the Tonton. They must of nabbed him. He’s travelled the wide an wild ways all his life. He knows every who an where an what an why. Miz Pinch used to call me her prize acquisition, when the Angel of Death was top draw in Hopetown. That’s what Jack must be fer the Tonton. Their prize acquisition.

So what do I know fer sure? When we parted ways, he was headed east. To tell Ike’s woman that he was dead. Molly Pratt, of the frilly red bloomers, with lips like ripe berries an curves to make a man weep with joy. She runs a tavern, in some place called the storm belt.

Jack must of run into the Tonton somewheres along the way. Still. Even if he was captive, he’d sooner kill hisself than ride with such men an be part of their wickedness. I know he would. I would.

I think till I cain’t think no more. Till my head throbs. That plant tea Auriel gave me must still be swimmin in my blood. If I rest, jest fer a bit, it’ll clear.

Everythin . . . all of it . . . it’ll all become clear.

I wake with a start. I’m lyin on the ground by the river. It’s dark.

Music rackets up at the camp. It bucks an kicks an hollers to yer heartbeat. Somebody’s yodellin. Feet stomp. Hands clap. The let-off-some-steam social’s in full swing. Torches light the sky. Joy sounds jig around me. The noise of it all must of woke me.

I cain’t remember fallin to sleep. I bin out fer hours. I drag myself up to sit. The water of the Snake gleams, a silver ribbon in the moonlight. I lean my head in my hands. With a caw caw, Nero sails outta the gloom. He lands beside me with a flutter of wings. Cocks his head an gives me a beady stare.

I care fer you no more.

Come to me, find me, my heart’s desire.

I know Jack in my heart.

Suddenly I know what to do.

Somethin ain’t right, I says out loud. I’ll go back. I’m gonna turn around. I’ll go to that place – Resurrection, that’s what Lilith called it – I’ll go there an find him an make contact with him somehow. How hard can it be? I scritch Nero on his head. I managed to find Lugh, didn’t I? We’ll go tonight. While they’re all asleep. Whaddya say?

The heartstone’s lyin on the ground. Nero suddenly darts at it, snatches it in his beak an takes off. He sails above the river. He drops it. It’s headed fer the drink.

No! I dash along the bank. Make a flyin leap. I soar through the air, my hand stretched out. Jest as I’m about to grab it, Nero dives. He nabs it.

I splash down. Face down. When I surface, drippin wet, gaspin fer breath, he’s circlin above one of the cottonwoods on the bank. The biggest one, it’s tall an tangled an wild. If he drops it in there, I won’t never git it out.