Reason to Breathe

“Hi.”

I continued opening my notebook for today’s lesson, refusing to look at him.

“Not talking to me at all now, huh?”

Angered by his antagonism, I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I turned to face him.

“Why do you want to talk to me? What could you possibly want to talk to me about?” I snapped.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise but quickly replaced the look with his taunting, amused grin.

“And why do you keep looking at me like that?!” My face flushed as I tightened my jaw.

Before Evan could answer, Mr. Kessler walked in to begin class. I stared at my book and the front of the classroom throughout the period. I could feel him looking over at me every so often - it kept me on edge the entire class.

As I was gathering my books to head to Anatomy, I heard him say behind me, “Because I think you’re interesting.”

I slowly turned around, with my books clutched firmly to my chest.

“You don’t even know me,” I replied defiantly.

“I’m trying.”

“There are so many other people in this school - you don’t have to know me.”

“But I want to,” he replied with a grin.

I walked out of the class, confused. He never said what I thought he should. What was I supposed to say? I started to panic.

“Can I walk with you to Anatomy?” I was too distracted to realize that he’d followed me out of the room.

“You are not in my Anatomy class too, are you?!” Seriously, the world was conspiring against me, along with my rapidly beating heart. I tried to take a deep breath, but I couldn’t fill my lungs.

“Didn’t notice me at all this week, huh?” People stopped to look at us as we walked down the hall. I’m sure their universe was getting tipped upside down too, to witness Emma Thomas walking down the hall with another student, who was also a guy – the same guy she made a scene with in the hall yesterday. Let the gossip begin.

It didn’t take long to reach the classroom due to my escaping pace. I stopped outside of Anatomy and turned to face him. He peered down at me in anticipation.

“I get that you’re new, and I must seem intriguing to you. But I assure you, I’m not that interesting. You really don’t need to get to know me. I get good grades. I’m decent at sports, and I keep myself busy. I like my privacy. I like my space, and I like being left alone. That’s it. You can get to know everyone else in this school who’s dying to know you. I’m not. Sorry.”

He grinned.

“And stop looking at me like I’m entertaining you. I’m not amused, so leave me alone.” I rushed into the classroom. I thought I would feel better, relieved – but I didn’t. Instead, I felt defeated.

I had no idea where Even sat during Anatomy, but it wasn’t next to me. Actually, no one was sitting next to me. The seat where Karen Stewart usually sat at my table was empty. Karen was always lost during the lessons and constantly asked me questions to try to keep up. Today, I finally had the silence I kept pushing everyone away to get, but it wasn’t comforting.

By the time the bell rang at the end of the day, I was over it. Knowing I was staying over at Sara’s and didn’t have to return home helped – as did not seeing Evan again.

“Hi!” Sara greeted me as we gathered our books from our lockers. “I feel like I haven’t seen you at all today. How are you? You didn’t get to tell me…”

“Don’t mention it. Later, okay? I’m finally feeling better and just want to have fun tonight, alright?” I pleaded.

“Come on, Em. Don’t do this to me. I heard you and Evan walked together to Anatomy. You have to tell me what’s going on.”

I hesitated, not wanting to say anything where we could be overheard. I scanned the halls, stalling to make sure I wasn’t going to add to the already circulating gossip.

“He keeps trying to talk to me,” I explained to Sara. I thought this might be enough, but Sara shrugged her shoulders, waiting for me to continue.

“You were right yesterday. He told me he thinks I’m interesting, whatever that means. Sara, he’s in all of my classes, or at least it feels like it. I can’t get away from him – he’s always right there.

“I finally told him that I wasn’t interesting and to leave me alone. That’s what the walk to Anatomy was about. I don’t get this guy.”

“Em, he’s interested in you. Why is that so bad?” Sara asked, genuinely perplexed. I was surprised she didn’t understand the problem.

“Sara, I can’t have anyone interested in me. You’re my only friend for a reason.” Her eyes lowered, beginning to understand my dilemma.

“I can’t go out. I don’t go to the movies. Tonight will be the first and probably only party I’ll ever go to. I don’t want to have to lie. And if anyone ever got close enough to touch me…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. The thought of being afraid to be touched because I might cringe in pain made me shudder.

I wished I didn’t have to be so convincing, but until I said it, Sara hadn’t put it together. For just a moment, she saw the world through my eyes, and her sorrowed expression made my chest tighten.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I should’ve realized. So, I guess you shouldn’t talk to him.”

“It’s okay,” I assured her with a tight smile. “I have six hundred seventy-two days left and then anyone can find me interesting.”

She smiled back but not as big as usual.

The pity in Sara’s evasive eyes reflected the patheticness of my life, it was hard to take. It was harder to escape – literally.

I couldn’t remember a time when my life wasn’t a disaster. I had images of a smiling child stored in shoe boxes, but my father was usually included in the pictures. When he was taken away, I was left with a mother who didn’t know how to be one. So, I did everything I could to get by with as little parental interaction as possible. If I was perfect, then there wasn’t anything to regret, or distract her from the replacements she sorted through, who would never live up to my father.

I was still too much – a burden. I hoped my academic drive would help my aunt and uncle accept me as an addition to their family. Unfortunately, the reception never warmed beyond the frigid steps when I crossed the threshold four winters ago. Guilt opened the door that night, and I couldn’t be perfect enough to earn their forgiveness for what they never wanted. So, I’ve mastered evasion and over-achievement. Neither as deftly as I’d prefer, since Carol was right there to brand me with my lack of worth at every opportunity.

4. Change

Sara was quiet when we drove away from school. I knew she was thinking, and hoped that it had nothing to do with me. Of course it did.

“There’s a way around it, you know.”

I sighed, afraid to encourage this train of thought.

“You don’t have to cut yourself off from everyone to get through high school,” she continued. “We just have to anticipate the questions and have answers ready. There are so many guys who would love to ask you out, but have no idea how to approach you. Em, we can figure this out.”

“Sara, you’re not making any sense. Besides the obvious - I can’t go out.”

“What’s the obvious?”

“Honestly, who do you know who’s interested in me? Be specific.”

“Evan already told you he found you interesting,” she said with a grin. “Let’s start with him.”

“Let’s not,” I groaned.

“Oh! Did you hear that Haley Spencer asked him to homecoming?” she exclaimed.

“Of course I didn’t. You’re my source of gossip, remember?” Something in my chest twisted. “Isn’t homecoming a month away - and she’s a senior – what’s that about?”

Sara examined me with narrowed eyes. “Honestly? It’s only three weeks away. Anyway, I heard he turned her down. I told you the senior girls were looking at him too. But Emma, he’s into you.”

“Sara, let’s put this into perspective,” I corrected. “I amuse him. He thinks I’m interesting. He didn’t ask me on a date. He just probably thinks I’m a freak or something.”

“Well, you are,” Sara said with a playful smile. “Who else can live with pure evil while still maintaining a 4.0, play three varsity sports, be in what seems like every club and, to top it all off, be scouted by four colleges. That is pretty freakish.”

Before I could respond, she continued, “Okay, let’s just say we don’t know his motives. He already knows you’re a private person. It sounds like you made that perfectly clear. Why can’t you give him what he wants and just talk to him? He’s either genuinely interested and will ask you out, and we’ll deal with that when it happens. Or he ends up becoming a friend, which isn’t a bad thing. You have nothing to lose. Come on, the worst thing to happen is he loses interest, and everything’s back to the way it was before he moved here.”

She was so compelling. Besides, talking to him could get him to leave me alone, especially once he realizes there’s not much to know – which will be the best thing that could happen, not the worst.

“Fine, I’ll talk to him. So what’s the story? And I don’t want to lie.” I figured she’d already concocted something during her silence.

“No lying, sort of. You just leave most of it out, so it’s omission,” she said smugly, confirming my suspicion. “You tell him you were adopted by your aunt and uncle after your father died and your mother became ill. That’s pretty accurate. You can tell him anything you want about Leyla and Jack since that won’t affect anything. Explain that your aunt and uncle are very busy with work and the kids, and that will hopefully be reason enough why they don’t go to your games.

“He’s definitely going to want to know why I’m your only friend and why you don’t talk to anyone.”

“He’s already asked that,” I admitted. “I didn’t answer him.”

“Well, tell him you and I became friends when you first moved here. That’s true.” She hesitated for a moment to think about the second part of the question. “Say that you’re the first in your family to go to college – which is technically true - and that you have a lot of pressure on you to get a scholarship.”

“That’s not bad, but why don’t I have more friends?” I challenged.

“How about, your aunt and uncle are very overprotective, and have no idea how to raise a teenager so they tend to be strict. Then you can admit that because you’re so involved in school activities and sports, and with the early curfew, you don’t get to go out much. That should work.

“Besides, that’ll be like one conversation, and then you can talk about anything else. Almost all truthfully – you know, music, sports, college. You may have a hard time with pop culture though, but I can bring you magazines so you can catch up during the rides to school if you want.”