Reason to Breathe

My hands shook as I placed my thumb and finger under the ridge of the wooden frame along the cold pane of glass. I held my breath, giving it a forceful, but restrained, push. The frame gave way slightly, and the first gust of cool spring air blew against my legs. I stopped to listen, with my pulse beating in my ears. I could faintly hear the voices from the TV continuing to play in the background but couldn’t sense any movement.

I held my breath again and pushed the window up further. I continued inching it up until it was completely open. With my heartbeat in my throat, I slid a leg out the window and laid my chest forward to slide my other leg through. I held on to the wooden frame to drop to the ground. I nearly yelled out when I felt the hands around my waist.

“Shhh,” he whispered in my ear, lowering me to the ground. I leaned my back against the house, afraid I was going to collapse from heart failure. I stared up at Evan with huge eyes, my hands covering my frantic heart.

“Sorry,” he whispered. I covered his mouth, silently begging him not to make any noise.

I searched around for the milk crate. It was difficult to find in the small dark path between the house and the fence, but I finally located the square shape along the fence and placed it under the window. Evan realized what I was doing and touched my arm to indicate that he’d do it. He stood on the crate to lower the window. I pressed my lips together, barely breathing as I watched him ease it into place.

He grabbed my hand after he stepped down, and we slowly made our way along the side of the house until we reached the corner. I heard the television through the closed window above our heads and stiffened. Evan nodded his head, encouraging me to follow him. I hugged the front of the house, under the large glowing glass that peered into the living room. I knew how close they were and held my breath.

Just then, a flood light lit up across the street, exposing us in the shadows of the house. Evan grabbed my arm and pulled me against him in the dark corner that connected with the wall of the front foyer. I heard his quickened breath, or maybe it was mine. I bit my lip, inhaling quickly when Carol peeked through the curtain to investigate. She let the curtain fall, uninterested when she saw the neighbor getting into his car.

Evan released me when the car drove down the street, out of sight. I let out a small burst of air. He smiled. I widened my eyes, shocked by his reaction. He pushed his lips together to keep from laughing. I hit his arm in frustration.

Evan grabbed my hand again and rushed across the front yard. We jogged past a few houses before slowing to a walk. I jumped when I heard his voice.

“You thought we were going to get caught, didn’t you?”

“No,” I snapped. “But I can’t believe you thought that was funny.”

“I wouldn’t say it was funny,” he stated. “Well… maybe it was. I’ve never had to sneak out before so I did find it… entertaining.”

I was still trying to convince myself that I’d made it out safely. I wasn’t as amused. Evan put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me toward him. I looked up at his calm grinning face and my anxiety melted away. I released a small smile and leaned my head onto his shoulder.

“It’s been too long since you’ve been exposed to something new,” Evan noted, sitting across from me on the top of the twisted climbing structure in the park.

“This was something new. I’ve never snuck out before. I guess your bad influence over me hasn’t changed.”

The whites of Evan’s teeth reflected in the subtle light.

“I still can’t believe you snuck out of your house,” he said with a chuckle.

“What other choice did I have?” I defended, still not as amused as Evan.

“You didn’t have to see me.”

“Yes I did.”

He leaned forward to kiss me, and my heart skipped in anticipation of the touch of his lips. I leaned in to meet him. Before I could reach him, my legs slipped through the hole that they were dangling in. I fell to the ground, landing on my feet with a thud. I groaned in frustration.

“Are you okay?” Evan smiled, looking down at me.

“Yes,” I huffed. He slid down, landing in front of me. Still grinning, he put his arms around my waist and playfully rocked my hips from side to side.

“That was pretty funny.” He casually bent down to kiss me.

“Great,” I grunted, turning my head away. It was impossible to remain frustrated with his teasing when I felt the warmth of his kiss on my neck. I inhaled as he pulled me closer, and I wrapped my hands around the backs of his firm arms.

The fluttering rushed from my stomach and through my head as I turned to intercept his lips. They delicately slid across mine, inching with a slow sensual pace, causing a warmth to spread through my chest. I slid my arms around to grip his back and pulled myself closer. His hands ran into my hair as his pace quickened with my breath. When he slipped away, I kept my eyes closed, resting my head against him while still holding him tightly. His chest moved beneath me as he attempted to catch his breath.

“What should we do next Sunday?” I asked, releasing my grasp and jogging over to the swings. My sudden departure must have caught him off guard, because he wasn’t behind me when I turned around to sit on the plastic seat.

“Um…” he considered, walking toward me. “Let me think about it.” Evan sat on the swing next to mine with a contemplative smirk.

“I wouldn’t mind going back to the batting cages,” I suggested. “But I’m sure you don’t want to do that since you play baseball all week.”

“I’ll come up with something,” he promised. “Speaking of going back, I think we’re good enough friends now for you to tell me who your first kiss was.”

My heart skipped a beat.

“You still want to know?” I questioned.

“He doesn’t go to our school, right?” Evan inquired, answering my question with his.

“No.” I shook my head. “I met him last summer, when I went to Maine with Sara. He doesn’t even know where I really live.”

“Nice,” he declared with a smile. “You’re first kiss is a guy who knows nothing about you.”

“Well, I didn’t lie about everything,” I defended.

“Poor guy.” Evan laughed. “But you just kissed him, right?” I recognized the concern wrapped in his question.

“You know that answer,” I replied. “But, what about you? I mean, I know you didn’t do anything with Haley, but you never said…”

I couldn’t come right out and directly ask him if he’d had sex. Did I really want to know? That question left me torn – part of me was curious, while the other couldn’t imagine him being with someone else.

Evan was quiet for a moment. I almost asked him not to answer – to forget I’d asked.

“She was my best friend in San Francisco,” he confessed before I could withdraw my question. My heart tightened, not prepared for his answer. “We were really great friends for over a year before deciding to date. We trusted each other, and it eventually happened last summer. But it was never the same after. We should have just stayed friends, and both of us knew it - but it was too late.”

“Beth?” I whispered, recalling him mentioning her the night I met his parents.

“Yes.”

“Oh,” I replied, looking down, unable to say anything else.

“Does that bother you?” he asked cautiously.

I shrugged. “I didn’t know you, and…” I hesitated. “I guess it’s still hard to think of you being with another girl.”

“I know,” he replied, relating to my discomfort. A twinge of guilt shot through me.

“Do you still care about her? I mean… did you see her when you went back?” The anticipation of his answer caused my stomach to knot up.

Evan stopped his subtle swaying on his swing and turned toward me with a calm, still face.

“I’ve never felt like I do for you… for anyone,” he vowed. “Beth and I were friends. I cared about her, but I didn’t… It’s not even remotely the same.”

I swallowed hard, unable to speak.

“She moved to Japan with her family in December, so no, I didn’t see her.” The silence that followed was more uncomfortable than I could bear.

“I have an idea,” I declared a little too loudly, as I shot out of my swing. Evan sat up straight in response to my sudden burst of energy.

“Is your car parked here?” I asked, looking toward the street that ran along the park.

“Yeah, it’s over there.” He pointed to the silhouette of the sports car.

“Do you have a blanket or something?”

“I have a sleeping bag in the trunk,” he offered suspiciously.

“Can you please get it?” I requested with a smirk. Without inquiring further, Evan ran to get the sleeping bag.

I took it from him and walked to the outfield of the baseball field to open it on the ground. Evan watched curiously.

“I know you’re going to think this is strange. Sara and I used to do this all the time, and I love doing it, especially when the stars are so bright.”

I stood a few steps away from the sleeping bag and looked up at the sky.

“You focus on a single star,” I explained, as I searched for my spot. “Then you spin around, staring at that one star, until you can’t stand anymore.” I started spinning to demonstrate. “Then you lie down to watch the stars spinning above you while your star remains still.”

I stopped, catching my step, searching for Evan. He observed my demonstration with an amused smirk.

“You don’t want to try?”

“No, but you can go ahead,” he encouraged with a small laugh. He sat down on the sprawled sleeping back to witness my ridiculousness. After spinning, I lay next to him to watch the stars circling above me.

“You’re missing out,” I told him, as the earth swayed beneath my still body. He laughed.

My view of the streaking lights became obstructed when he leaned over me. The earth remained whirling beneath me, but it had nothing to do with spinning in circles.

I walked along my dark street, having left Evan a few houses back. The grin on my face felt permanent. The buzz still lingered from our night in the park. I slowly looked around, recognizing I was only a house away from mine. I took a deep breath in attempt to sober up.

The dark windows reduced the fear of being detected as I crept along the shadows to the side of the house where the trash cans awaited me. I held my breath and grabbed the handles on either side of the metal cylinder, lifting it with more force than was necessary. The empty can gave way easily, causing me to stumble backwards.

I recovered before bumping into the bags full of leaves set along the fence. I gently placed it under my window and used the milk crate to step on top of the can. In my post-Evan delirium, I neglected to place my feet on the edges - the metal lid popped under my weight. The deep echo rang loudly in the night. I tensed, holding on to the window sill, listening.

After a prolonged ear numbing silence, I pushed the window up. My heart stopped. It wouldn’t move. I swallowed. My stomach was in my throat. I pushed it again as hard as I could. I nearly fell from the can when the window gave way and slid up. I grabbed the ledge to steady myself. With my hands on the windowsill, I lifted myself and tilted head first through the open window. I walked my hands along the floor then slowly lowered each leg from the sill.