Reason to Breathe

Eventually, the hands of the team eased me back onto the forgiving cushion of the bed, supported on my side to provide some reprieve from the torment that had overtaken my body. Exhausted, I closed my eyes.

“We’re waiting on the results of her x-rays before we know if there’s any damage,” Dr. Chan explained to someone. “You’re welcome to stay with her, and I’ll be back when I have the results.”

“Sara?” I whispered through the grogginess. I opened my eyes when we rolled to a stop. A curtain was pulled around me, concealing the people on the other side.

“Hey honey,” the soothing voice of the nurse greeted me. “Your aunt and uncle are here.” I averted my eyes, not finding the comfort she hoped that news would provide me.

“Sara? Did you find her?” My tone was anxious, and her concerned expression recognized it.

“She’s right outside,” she promised. “I’ll go get her.”

“You can’t keep me from seeing her,” an irate voice yelled. “She’s my daughter.”

My heartbeat accelerated, picked up by the quick beeps on the machine above my head.

“Relax, Rachel,” George instructed firmly.

“What’s wrong with her?” she demanded heavily. I recognized her slur. My jaw tightened. What was she doing here? How did she even know?

“I don’t think this is the right time to be talking to you,” George responded.

“You can’t keep me from her. She’s my daughter,” my mother declared. Then she went on to berate George and Carol about how they didn’t love me, with expletives only my drunken mother could come up with.

“M’am, I need to ask you to come with us,” a deep masculine voice demanded.

“Get your hands off me. You can’t touch me. I need to stay here with my daughter. Get off me.” The angered voice trailed away, until it was cut off completely when a pair of doors closed further down the hall.

“Emma?” Sara whispered, peering in through the curtains. My flittering eyes found Sara’s pale face and her red rimmed eyes.

“Sara!” I wept, lifting my head. The movement forced me to moan in pain, causing Sara to wince.

“Ow. Try not to move,” she whispered, pulling up a chair to sit beside me. She pressed her lips together and the line between her eyes deepened as she searched my agonized face. “I’m so sorry.”

Her eyes filled and she quickly swiped away the tears with the hand that wasn’t holding mine.

“I’m glad they finally let me see you. It felt like I was waiting forever.” Her voice quivered. “You scared me.” The tears welled in her eyes again, and she looked away to conceal them.

“I’ll be okay,” I assured her, but I knew seeing me on a hospital bed wasn’t very convincing.

“You didn’t look okay when you were lying lifeless on the floor of the basketball court. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my entire life.”

“I slipped on ice and fell down the stairs at my house,” I told her quietly.

“What?” Her forehead crumpled, not understanding.

“How I hurt myself,” I explained. “I fell down the stairs on some ice.”

“But Em, everyone saw you fall during the basketball game - I mean everyone,” she explained, still confused.

“Look at my back,” I encouraged.

Sara walked around to the other side of my bed and gently lifted my basketball jersey.

“Oh!” Sara exhaled upon seeing the bruising. “I knew you shouldn’t have played. Have they given you anything for the pain?” She returned to the chair to hold my hand, her face paler than when she entered.

“Mm mm,” I indicated in a negative through my pressed lips, trying to hold back the groan that would give away just how miserable I was.

“Okay, Emily,” Dr. Chan declared, pulling back a section of the curtain.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Chan,” he introduced himself to Sara.

“I’m Sara McKinley,” she offered in return.

“Is it okay if she stays in the room while I go over this with you?” he asked me.

“Yes.”

“Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of injuries today, huh?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“The good news is that there’s nothing too serious. You do have a concussion on the back of your head, but there isn’t any bleeding. The x-rays of your spine came out clear, but you’ve bruised your tailbone. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything we can do for that, and the best thing to do is to let it heal on its own. We’re going to take the neck brace off, and give you something for the pain. You’ll need to stay inactive for the next two weeks at least.”

My eyes widened, not prepared for his prognosis.

“Sorry, but that means no basketball during that time. You won’t be up for it anyway. We’ll give you something to manage the pain, but you should schedule an appointment with your doctor in two weeks to follow up.

“Do you have any questions?” he asked.

“No,” I whispered.

“Now, can you tell me about the bruises on your back?”

I hoped the machine wouldn’t start beeping profusely when I lied, “I slipped on some ice outside my back door and fell down the stairs.”

“Did you fall onto your back?”

“Yes.”

“How many stairs did you fall on?”

“Four or Five.”

“Okay,” he sighed. “Sara, could I please have a moment alone with Emily?” I panicked when Sara left the room.

Dr. Chan sat down in the chair so that he was eye level.

“I’m concerned with your bruising,” he said solemnly. “The images showed that you have a recovered contusion on the front of your head as well.

“Emily, I want you to please tell me the truth, and know that I will hold this information in the utmost confidence. How did you get the bruises on your back?”

“I fell down the stairs.” I tried to sound as convincing as I could. I didn’t know if it worked, but he nodded and stood up.

“You could have received those injuries in a fall, and I can’t dispute that. But if you didn’t, I hope that you would be able to tell someone.

“You’re going to stay here for the night so that we can keep an eye on you and give you something for the pain to help you rest. If you need anything, or feel like talking, have the nurses page me.”

“Can you please send Sara back in?”

“Sure. I’ll have the nurse get her.”

Sara came back into the room not long after the nurse removed my neck brace and cut off my clothes so she could slide on a hospital gown. I tried to get her to slip my game shirt over my head, but the movement caused me to holler, so she opted for scissors.

“Someone will be down shortly to transport you upstairs for the night,” the nurse explained. “I’ll be right back with something to help the pain.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, finding some relief already with the brace removed.

After she left, I noticed Sara appeared nervous, like she wanted to tell me something, but she kept stopping every time she opened her mouth to speak.

I watched her struggle through her silent debate until I finally demanded, “What aren’t you telling me?”

She pressed her lips together and looked around for the words. “Um, Evan’s outside. I didn’t know if I should tell you while you were still coherent or wait until you were drugged.”

I remained quiet.

“He wants to see you.”

“No, Sara,” I shot back urgently. “He can’t see me.”

“I knew you’d say that, but I promised I’d ask. Just so I can say I did, no Drew either, right?”

“He’s here too?”

“There are a lot of people here, actually. Well, except for your aunt and uncle, who left after the doctor told them you were staying the night.”

“No visitors,” I pleaded. “No one, okay?”

“Got it,” she affirmed.

“Sara, what happened when I fell?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear this but also surprised by the multiple visitors in the waiting room.

Sara looked at the ceiling, trying to force back the tears.

“Um, after you took the three pointer and it went in –“

“It went in?” I tried to remember the moment, but I couldn’t get past the pounding in my head.

“Yeah, it did. The crowd was so loud, it was crazy – but in an instant it went dead silent. You were lying on the floor, and you weren’t moving. Coach went out with the trainer to wake you, but they couldn’t.” Sara paused to take a calming breath, trying to control her trembling voice. “They called for the ambulance. The gym was so quiet while we waited for you to wake up. I tried to get down to the floor, but the coaches and some other adults were keeping people back.

“You still didn’t move when they put you on the stretcher. Em, I was so scared. I got to the hospital as soon as I could, but they wouldn’t tell me anything, no matter who I asked. Between Evan and me, I think we asked every person in a white jacket or blue scrubs who walked through the waiting area. Then everyone else started arriving to wait with us - first Drew with some of his friends, then your coach and other girls from the soccer and the basketball teams – I’m not sure who else.

“You’re aunt and uncle finally arrived, and they were let in to see you. I was going crazy because they got in, and I couldn’t, until the nurse finally came out and said you were asking for me.”

I listened to her words, unable to account for a single second of that time, until I was in the hospital. It was surreal thinking of my unconscious body on the floor of the gym, with everyone staring at me. The fear and concern that came through in Sara’s voice tore at me. I glanced at Sara’s hand shaking on her lap. I hadn’t realized that the hand holding mine was trembling since mine was as well.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” I whispered.

“I’m just relieved to see that you’re awake and moving,” she said with a small smile, but the sadness lingered in her eyes. “I should go let everyone know how you are, and that you’re staying the night, so they can leave. I’ll be back before they move you.”

The nurse entered with a syringe. Soon after she administered the clear liquid into my IV, the pain subsided, and the room swum around me as I drifted to sleep.

25. Inevitable

I didn’t return home with George and Carol during the two weeks of intense recovery. I didn’t spend Christmas at home either. My only disappointment was not seeing the kids’ faces on Christmas morning. I had always loved writing the letter to Santa and setting out the cookies with them, and watching them open their presents. I wondered what they were told when they asked for me.

Staying with Janet was… quiet. She didn’t ask questions about what happened to me, or about anything at all for that matter. She gave me my space in her spare room, periodically checking on me to make sure I was comfortable and had plenty to eat and drink.