Reason to Breathe

What just happened? What did he mean he knows I’m not usually like that? I stared at the spot where he stood for half a minute, trying to comprehend what just played out. Why wasn’t he upset with me? I couldn’t believe I was so worked up, especially over a guy. I needed to shake it off and be over it - stay focused.

“He’s gone? Please don’t tell me you insulted him again!”

“No, I swear. He wished me luck in the game today and walked away. It was… strange.” Sara raised her eyebrows, grinning.

“Oh, and I guess you could say he’s decent looking,” I mumbled. Sara’s face lit up with a huge smile.

“He’s so mysterious, and I think he likes you,” she taunted.

“Come on, Sara. Now you’re being stupid.”

Somehow I completed the homework that was due the next day, despite glancing around and searching for him every other minute. I couldn’t get to the longer term assignments. I saved them for the weekend. It’s not like I had anything else to do.

“I’m going to the locker room to get ready for the game.”

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Sara replied, from her meditative spot on the bench.

I gathered my books and walked through the cafeteria. I did everything I could to stare straight ahead so I wouldn’t look for Evan – unsuccessfully.

3. Distraction

“You will never believe who just asked me…”

I wasn’t able to throw my varsity jersey over my head in time. I closed my eyes and took a breath in preparation for her reaction.

“Shit,” Sara whispered, still frozen at the door of the locker room.

I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I knew the large circular bruises that covered my right shoulder and continued to the middle of my back said more than enough.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” I mumbled, still not having the heart to face her.

“Looks pretty bad to me,” she murmured. “I can’t believe that was for forgetting to take out the trash.” We were interrupted by voices and laughter, as a few girls entered the locker room. The girls brushed past Sara, who remained unmoving in the doorway.

“Hey, Emma. We just heard about you telling off the hot new guy,” one of the girls exclaimed when she noticed me. “He must have totally pissed you off,” added another as they began to change.

“I don’t know. I guess he caught me on a bad day,” I mumbled, my face changing color. I picked up my shoes, socks, and shin guards and left the room before anyone could say anything else, especially Sara.

I sat at the top of the steps leading to the fields in the back of the school and proceeded to put on my shin guards and shoes. I needed to gather myself after everything that had happened in under two hours. This was not how my days were supposed to go. No one tried to get involved with me, and I kept to myself. This was the place where everything was supposed to be safe and easy. How could Evan Mathews unravel my constant universe in just one day?

That’s when I heard his voice again. What was with this guy? First I didn’t notice him for almost a week, and now I couldn’t avoid him. He exited the guys’ locker room below the steps, talking to another guy I didn’t know about giving him a ride to the football game the next night. I caught his eye, and he nodded to me in recognition. Why wasn’t I invisible to him like I was to everyone else? To my relief, he continued to jog toward the practice fields with a small black bag in his hand. From his attire, I realized he was heading to the guys’ soccer field. Great, he played soccer.

The sun danced off the glints of gold in his tousled light brown hair as he jogged further away. Lean muscles along his back brushed against his over-worn t-shirt. Why did he have to look like he just stepped off of an Abercrombie bag?

“Nice,” Sara exhaled looking after the same image. I turned with a start, not realizing she was next to me. Heat spread across my cheeks, fearing she could read my thoughts. “Stop it - he’s hot. It’s just taken you way too long to notice.”

Before I could defend myself, a bus pulled up along the dirt road that circled the school, separating the fields from the building. The open windows carried the synchronized chanting and hollering that were indicative of a high school sports team.

“Who are we going to beat?” several boisterous voices screamed.

“Weslyn High!” the bus rumbled in response.

“Don’t think so,” Sara stated. I smirked and jogged with her to the field.

~~~~~

“Omigod!” Sara screamed, as we drove home. “Stanford! Emma, this is so amazing!”

I couldn’t find the words to say anything. The stunned smile on my face said it all. I was soaring from our win, then taken to a different level when I discovered four colleges were scouting the game in which I happened to score three out of the four goals.

“I can’t believe they’re going to fly you out there this spring,” she continued in a rush. “You have to take me with you! California! Can you imagine?”

“Sara, he said that they’d be interested in setting up a visit, depending on next quarter’s transcript.”

“Come on, Emma. That’s not going to change. I don’t think you’ve received less than an ‘A’ your entire life.”

I wanted to be as confident, but then we pulled into my driveway. I was immediately grounded – the win and the scouts dispersing like I woke from a dream into a nightmare.

Carol strolled up the driveway from the mailbox, pretending to get the mail. She was up to something, and my heart sank into my stomach. Sara glanced over at me, just as concerned.

“Hi, Sara,” she said, completely ignoring me as I got out of the car. “How are your parents?”

Sara smiled her dazzling smile and replied, “They’re wonderful, Mrs. Thomas. How have you been?”

Carol sighed her exasperated, pathetic sigh. “I’m surviving.”

“That’s good to hear,” Sara returned politely, not falling for the woe is me bullshit.

“Sara, I feel terribly uncomfortable asking you without speaking to your parents directly.” I froze in anticipation. “But I was wondering if it would be a bother to allow Emily to stay the night tomorrow night. George and I are going out of town, and it would be easier if she were with someone who was responsible. But I don’t want her interrupting your plans.” She spoke of me as if I weren’t standing next to the car, listening.

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem. I was planning to go to the library to work on a paper. I’ll check with my parents when I get home.” Sara smiled, playing along with Carol’s façade.

“Thank you. We would be so appreciative.”

“Good night, Mrs. Thomas.” Carol waved back as Sara drove away. She turned her attention to me in disgust.

“You have no idea how humiliating it is to have to beg people to take you just so that your uncle and I can spend some time together. It’s a good thing Sara pities how pathetic you are. I have no idea how she can stand to be around you.”

She turned and walked back to the house, leaving me standing in the driveway. Her words circled me like cutting barb.

There was a time when I thought she was right. That Sara was only my friend because she felt bad for me. Honestly, all you had to do was look at us standing next to each other to easily conclude the same thing. Sara, in all her gorgeous brilliance, compared to me in my ordinary plainness. But I learned that my friendship with Sara was probably the only thing I could really trust.

I entered the house to find life waiting for me with the sink full of dishes and pans from dinner. I set my bags in my room and returned to clean up. I didn’t mind the monotony of washing the dishes, especially tonight – engrossing myself in scrubbing to keep from smiling.

~~~~~

When I woke the next morning, I felt more optimistic than I’d felt in a long time. I had my backpack over one shoulder and a tote bag full of clothes in my hand.

Then reality came crashing down with a jolting tug of my hair. “Don’t embarrass me,” seethed into my ear. I nodded - my neck tense, resisting getting any closer to her as she tightened her hold of my hair with her hot breath scorching my skin. And just as quickly as it happened, she was gone – calling sweetly to the kids to come down for breakfast.

Sara was giddy when I entered the car. She gave me a hug and exclaimed, “I can’t believe you’re going to the game tonight!”

I pulled back, still shaken by the threat. “Sara, she’s probably watching. We’d better get going before she changes her mind and locks me in the basement for the night.”

“Would she do that?” Sara appeared concerned.

“Just drive.” Yes. She would, was the answer I couldn’t say out loud.

Sara drove off. The top was up since the brisk fall air was finally catching up with us as we headed into October. The leaves on the trees were beginning their yearly change to the vibrant hues of red, orange, gold and yellow. The colors looked brighter to me today, maybe because I was actually paying attention. Despite Carol’s threat, I was still floating from our team’s win along with the positive comments from the Stanford scout. And knowing I was going to the game with Sara tonight eased a smile on my face that actually felt comfortable. This would be my very first football game – it only took me three years.

“I’ve decided that before we go tonight, I’m going to pamper you a little.”

I looked at her cautiously. “What are you planning?”

“Trust me, you’ll love it!” Sara beamed.

“Okay,” I gave in. I feared my idea of being pampered was going to be completely different than what Sara had in mind. I preferred to hang out, watch movies and eat junk. While that might seem very predictable and boring to most teenagers, this was a true luxury to me. I decided not to worry about it. She knew me, so I trusted her.

“I’m going to ask him out tonight after the game,” Sara declared while we walked to the school from the parking lot.

“How are you going to do it?” I was finally able to ask after tunneling through Sara’s entourage and their gleeful morning acknowledgements. I couldn’t believe how matter of fact she was about putting herself out there. But then again, who would say no to her? “No” didn’t seem to be in Sara’s vocabulary, whether it was receiving it, or saying it.

“I was thinking, but only if it’s okay with you,” she gave me an apprehensive glance, “that after the game we would go to Scott Kirkland’s party, and I’ll ask Jason to meet me there.”

A party?! I’d never been to a party before either. I overheard the gossip about them in the halls and locker room and even saw the mementos hanging in the lockers throughout the junior and senior halls. It was a rite of passage I wasn’t privy to and wasn’t sure I was ready for. A wave of panic surged through me just thinking about walking through the doors and having everyone stare at me.

Then I looked into Sara’s anxious blue eyes and knew this was important to her. I could make meaningless small talk with people I’d been in school with for the past four years, yet knew nothing about. This would definitely be interesting.