Reason to Breathe

“Ready?” he asked, looking up. I stopped and took in his line of sight, eyeing the large structure.

“Am I ready for what?” I asked tentatively.

“We’re going to rappel down the face of this rock,” he answered, smiling back at me. “It’s really not that big, don’t worry.”

“We’re going to do what?!”

“You’ll love it, I promise.” My reaction did little to deter his huge smile. “I was here yesterday scoping it out. There’s a path around to the left that brings us to the top.”

He took in my frozen stature and added, “You trust me, right?”

I looked at him and shook my head. “Not anymore.”

He laughed. “Come on.” He hiked along the path that traced the massive structure. To my dismay, my legs followed.

When we climbed to the top, the distance looking down appeared twice as far as it did when I viewed it from the bottom. My stomach rolled, but instead of becoming overtaken by panic, I was unexpectedly struck with a surge of adrenaline.

“Here’s to falling to my death,” I thought to myself. I joined Evan in the center of the flattened area where he was laying out the equipment.

“Ready yet?” he asked, grinning at me.

I took in a lung full of air and released it slowly through my puckered lips. “Sure.”

Before I could change my mind, Evan had me slip my legs through the holes of the harness and fastened it securely. He proceeded to explain the rope system and where I should place my hands and how to release it to let myself down. I listened carefully, knowing if I didn’t pay attention, I would never be listening to anything again – even with Evan’s promise that he’d spot me the entire time and I had nothing to fear. Easy for him to say.

Once the rope was anchored to a sturdy tree and the figure eight was clipped to me, Evan returned to the base where he held the dropped rope to assure that I didn’t fall – or to get the best view when I plummeted to my death. I backed up to the edge of the rock. The first step was the hardest, especially leaning back into a position that defied gravity. The adrenaline pushed me over the edge, and I was planted on the side of the rock, staring straight up through the treetops toward the sky. I remained still, trying to fight the urge to lean upright.

Evan hollered instructions from below to correct my angle and the positioning of my feet. I tentatively fed the rope with my right hand as my feet slowly crept down. After I got used to the release and footing, my stuttered steps progressed into small hops, until my feet found the safety of the ground. It didn’t take as long as I imagined, but I still felt exhilarated to be standing on my own – upright.

“What did you think?” Evan asked with a grin.

“I liked it,” I surrendered, grinning back.

“I knew you would.” I rolled my eyes as he unclipped the rope from my harness.

We rappelled a couple more times, and I felt more comfortable with each attempt. Evan chose to go face-first his last time, which was difficult to watch. The speed with which he ran down the rock caught my breath.

“Show off,” I mumbled as he landed with ease on the bed of fallen leaves.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be looking for the next rush too after you get used to it.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever want to do that.”

“I think I found the perfect place for you to try to drive my car. The road that almost never has cars on it,” Evan declared on our way back down to the car. “We can go out after you work on the paper on Tuesday.”

“You really think that I should be driving on the road for the first time in the dark?”

“You’re right,” he agreed. “Let’s go out while it’s still light after soccer practice. Then we’ll go back to the school so you can work on the paper.”

“We’ll see,” I said, without committing.

“Do you think you’ll be able to go to the homecoming game on Friday night?”

“No,” I said without even thinking twice.

“So no dance on Saturday night either, huh?”

I let out a laugh in response.

“Are you going to the homecoming dance?” I asked, not sure why I wanted to know.

“Don’t think so.”

“Why not?” I encouraged, but oddly filled with a sense of relief. “You can’t tell me you couldn’t find anyone to go with.”

“Emma, you and I are dating, remember?” he taunted, his mouth pushing into a slow grin.

“Shut up,” I snapped back. “You can’t tell me people still think that? Haven’t you told them we’re not?”

“I haven’t said anything either way.”

“That’s stupid.” I stopped to look at him. “Why would you want everyone assuming something that isn’t true?”

“Why should I care?”

“So you can ask someone you’re interested in to go to the dance with you,” I replied, not expecting his lack of concern.

“I just did.”

“You did not just ask me to the dance.” I crossed my arms across my chest in defiance. He smirked and shrugged. I turned and kept walking along the path.

“Whatever happened with Haley?” I questioned, changing the focus. “She’s nominated for homecoming queen.”

“Seriously?” he scoffed. “Have you ever tried having a conversation with her?”

“I don’t think she even knows my name.”

“I think she does now,” he teased. “You know, now that we’re dating.”

“Evan! Knock it off,” I huffed. He laughed.

“Honestly,” he admitted, “I haven’t been here that long, and the thought of going to the dance doesn’t appeal to me. I’m not that into anyone else.” My heart stammered at the last word, but my mind dismissed it before I could think too much about it.

“Is there a way you could stay over Sara’s after your game on Saturday? That way you and I could hang out and watch movies or something.”

“That’s probably unlikely. My aunt works for the school system, in their administrations building. She’ll know that it’s the homecoming dance and will doubt that Sara would give up the dance to hang out with me.”

“Why doesn’t she like you?” A spasm shot through my chest, realizing I’d revealed too much.

I must have been silent for too long because Evan added, “Sorry. I don’t get it, but you don’t have to explain.” We walked without speaking the remaining distance to the car. I searched for a way to recover.

What was I supposed to say? No Evan, she doesn’t “not like me”, she despises me. She lets me know it every opportunity she can because I invaded her life, and she wants me out. But her marriage to my father’s brother keeps me in her house, so it’s her mission to make every second of my life torturously miserable.

I knew those words would never leave my lips, so while Evan loaded the backpacks into the trunk, I leaned my back against the car and blurted, “It wasn’t easy to be an instant mother of a twelve year-old. I’m sure she’s just being way too overprotective, not wanting me to get into trouble.”

Evan let my words sink in for a moment before responding. “Does she even know you?” he challenged. “You’re not the type of person to hang out with the wrong crowd. You’re the perfect student, a talented athlete, and the most responsible person I’ve ever met.” He almost sounded angry.

I turned to look at him, confused by his fervent reaction.

“I don’t understand why they can’t see who you really are and allow you to live a little. You know - go to football games, dances or even on a date.” He was speaking louder, more agitated as he completed his thoughts.

“No, you don’t understand,” I said quietly, but firmly, taking in his agitation. His reaction bothered me. He shouldn’t care if they knew me or not. He was just supposed to accept my answers and let it go. “I think I should get back to the library.” I turned, leaving him looking after me as I entered the car.

Evan slipped quietly onto the driver’s seat and hesitated before starting the car.

“Emma, I’m sorry.” I looked out the window, not ready to face him. “You’re right, I don’t know. If it’s none of my business, then I promise not to bring it up again. I didn’t mean to make you upset.” His voice was quiet and pleading. I heard his sincerity through my defenses.

“It is none of your business,” I confirmed quietly, still not looking at him. He started the car, and we drove away in silence. “And I’m not mad at you.” I looked over at him with a soft smile to convince him I wasn’t – he smiled back. My cheeks flooded instantly with heat.

“Do you think you and Sara could get out of watching the JV game to get pizza or something on Wednesday?” I smiled, recognizing he wasn’t ready to give up trying to stretch my boundaries.

“I think so.”

Evan and I continued as if the conversation never happened. He didn’t talk about my lack of freedom, and I didn’t push him away. We had our driving lesson on Tuesday and pizza with Sara and Jason on Wednesday. My world revolved in a fairly predictable rotation, despite Evan’s impulsive persistence – determined to be a bad influence. Miraculously, I was still able to avoid Carol for the most part. Each day, I found it easier to smile.

To top it all off, the soccer team was locked in as the division champions. We had one game left of the regular season before the state championship playoffs. Coach Peña revealed he’d been taping my games to send highlights to college recruiters. I didn’t realize he’d been doing this, but the knowledge that more schools were interested made me believe that escape was actually possible. He even warned that more scouts may be attending the first round of the playoffs. For the first time, my life felt livable.

13. Replaced

“You’ve changed,” Sara observed when we drove home on Friday.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s not bad,” she said quickly. “I think it’s Evan – he’s made you… happier. I like seeing you like this.” I absorbed her words with my eyes scrunched. She continued, ignoring my reaction. “Why aren’t you dating him yet?”

“Are you done?” I asked dubiously.

“What?!”

“Sara, I cannot date anyone, forget about Evan Mathews,” I declared. “And despite your assumptions, he really doesn’t want to date me.”

“Em, you’re seriously blind. Why wouldn’t he want to date you? He spends just about every second that he can with you.”

“We’re friends,” I stressed.

“Whatever you have to say to convince yourself,” Sara said, shaking her head. “But did you know that he’s been asked out by several girls and won’t even give them the time of day?”

I shrugged, but a smirk crept on my face in hearing this. Sara eyed me with a small shake of her head as she pulled up in front of my house.