Reason to Breathe

When the whistle blew to begin the game, I was entranced. My mind was clear of every thought other than where the ball was, where it was going, and who was going to be there to receive it. The ball did not go anywhere very fast. There were a lot of missed kicks, sliding attempts to dribble or pass the ball, along with times when the ball was left spinning in place. By half time, there wasn’t a score, but everyone was covered in mud.

The second half started the same as the first. After a time, it became evident that the best way to move the ball was to get some air under it. There were a lot of collisions when fighting for position to receive the soaring ball. It developed into more of a physical game than a ball controlling game, with plenty of yellow card warnings as a result.

With approximately five minutes left in the game, Weslyn had control of the ball. Our sweeper booted the ball from the top of the keeper’s box to about mid-field, where the mid-fielder gained possession. She dribbled a few yards, avoiding the defender, before she sent it further up-field to Lauren. Without hesitating, Lauren sent the ball up the sideline to Sara. The sidelines weren’t as muddy and treacherous as the center of the field, so Sara continued the ball along the painted white line. She drew a defender, who came at her with a sliding tackle. Before Sara slipped off her feet, landing on the attacker, she sent the ball sailing across the center of the field.

I was a few yards inside the keeper’s box, with the sweeper coming towards me, eyeing the ball that was floating right to me, but was waist high. Without considering the success of it, I crouched down and forced the balls of my feet into the field and pushed back up with everything I had, propelling myself in the air. I leaned to my left, concentrating on the ball, and swung my right foot in attempt to make contact. I wasn’t aware of where the sweeper was, but I hoped I had sent the ball around her, towards the goal. After connecting with the ball, my shoulder collided with the wet surface, followed by my hip as the mud splashed on my face. I grunted in response to the contact, still focused on locating the ball. I couldn’t see anything through the sweeper’s feet while I lay on the ground. I lifted my head to hear the ref’s whistle declaring the goal, just as I found it resting in the back of the net.

Sara pulled me off the ground, screaming. She embraced me while jumping excitedly. I was greeted with additional cheers and jumping. I raised my arms in the air in celebration of the score as I ran back to mid-field to prepare for the kick off. I was soaring, filled with the rush I sought from the game. The remaining time ran down without another goal.

At the sound of the long whistle concluding the game, the team ran out to the center of the field, hollering and jumping in celebration. When I looked around, I realized there was more than just our team on the field, as many of the spectators had come down from the stands to congratulate us. I received pats on the back from people I recognized and many that I didn’t. It was a whirlwind of faces, cheers and hands. I was coming down from the high and decided I needed to remove myself from the chaos.

I told Sara I’d meet her in the locker room. She promised she’d be right behind me. I slipped away from the crowd and jogged to the school. As I approached the stairs, I saw a tall silhouette leaning against the building.

“Congratulations,” the smooth voice said from the dark shadows.

“Thanks,” I replied, slowing to a walk as I approached the figure. Evan stood with his hands in his pockets, waiting for me.

“That was an impressive goal.”

I smiled, accepting the recognition, while my cheeks warmed.

“Do you want me to wait here for you while you change?” I stopped, not prepared for the question.

“You don’t have to wait,” I said slowly.

“I was hoping to drive you home.” My stomach fell at the thought of him pulling up to my house. I didn’t anticipate Carol and George waiting to greet me, but I knew she didn’t sleep until I was locked within the house. The last thing I wanted was for her to look out of her bedroom window to see Evan’s sleek black car letting me out. It would be a morning I’d never live down.

“Thanks,” I replied sincerely, “but I haven’t seen Sara all day. I promised to ride home with her.”

“Okay.” He sounded disappointed, which kinda surprised me.

After a second, I awkwardly added, “I had a good time today. Thank you for dinner.”

“Me too,” he agreed, without the awkwardness. “I’ll see you on Sunday then?”

“Yeah.”

Evan flashed a quick grin before walking back toward the field. He met up with a few guys from the soccer team and was immediately conversing. By this time, Sara was jogging toward me - her mud blotched face unable to conceal her enormous white smile. She greeted me with an enthusiastic tight hug.

“I loved that game!” she exclaimed.

“Yeah,” I exhaled. “Sara, I ... can’t … breathe.”

“Sorry,” she said, releasing me. “But that game was fuckin’ awesome.” She was bouncing in her skin and could barely stand still.

“Yeah, it was,” I agreed, but my energy was nowhere near the level of Sara’s. “Let’s get changed. I’m tired and am ready to crash.”

“Don’t think I’m letting you get out of my car without providing details,” she added. I groaned. “You two looked really comfortable sitting next to each other tonight. Are you sure you’re still just friends?”

“Sara,” I stressed, my voice raising an octave higher than normal, “I didn’t even talk to him the whole time he sat next to us.” She laughed, and I realized she was playing with me. I shook my head with an accepting smirk. “You’re such a jerk.”

After showering, Sara drove me home, and I provided her with the details she sought regarding my afternoon with Evan. I even told her about his confusing comments, and to my dismay, Sara laughed.

Then she proceeded to catch me up on her situation with Jason. Sara was still enthralled with him, which was good to hear, but seemed flustered that he’d barely kissed her. Sara wasn’t exactly shy when it came to getting to know guys. I was hoping she’d finally found a guy that respected her, but instead she was wondering what she was doing wrong.

We pulled up in front of my house. I looked out the car window at the grey Cape. The dark windows didn’t reveal any movement inside. I took a deep breath and said goodnight to Sara before exiting the car.

I dragged my feet along the unlit driveway to the back of the house. When I turned the handle of the back door, I was met with resistance - it didn’t move. The door was locked. My stomach dropped.

Sara had already driven away. There was no way I was going to knock, since they made the conscious decision to lock the door, knowing I wasn’t home. My mind raced to try to think of what I possibly could have done wrong to get locked out of the house. My pulse quickened, wondering how much trouble I was in, fearing the worst.

I cupped my hands to the glass to look inside. My reflection shielded me from seeing into the kitchen. Then the reflection smirked and the eyes squinted into a glare. I jumped back, realizing I was staring at her. I remained frozen, not sure what to do next, waiting for her to make a move. But the darkness remained still.

A light illuminated the kitchen. I expected to find Carol glowering at me, but the kitchen was empty until George appeared from the dining room where he’d turned on the light. I scrunched my eyes in confusion – questioning if I had really seen Carol. George opened the door with his lips pressed in a tight scowl.

“You’re supposed to be home before ten o’clock,” he reprimanded.

“I had a game tonight,” I said softly, confused by his reaction.

“That doesn’t matter. Your curfew is ten o’clock. If you can’t get home in time, then maybe you shouldn’t participate in the night games.” His voice was unsympathetic, and his eyes were hard. I knew there was no point in arguing. If I did, he could take soccer away altogether, and I wouldn’t risk that.

“Okay,” I whispered. I slipped by him and went to my room without another word.

“I would have left you in the cold,” hissed through the dark as I passed the living room. I took in a quick startled breath. I continued to my room, quickly closing the door behind me, fearing what awaited me in the dark if I paused to look.

11. The Library

I was bent over, with my head in the refrigerator, wiping the back wall when the air expelled from my lungs and I gasped in pain. I groaned, the force knocking me to the floor. I collapsed onto my side, cradling my stomach. My eyes filled with tears as I tried to gulp in air.

I pulled myself into a ball, not sure if another blow would follow. Carol stood over me with Jack’s aluminum baseball bat in her hand. She glared at me with a tight smirk as I tried to shrink against the refrigerator.

“You are not important. Nothing you do is important. Don’t think that you will ever amount to anything more than the whore that you are.” She walked away.

My quick gasps slowed as the air came back in easy breaths. Shaking, I pushed myself off the floor and wiped the tears from my face. I winced when I stood, holding my stomach. Without thought, I replaced the contents of the refrigerator before walking to the bathroom.

Wet, red eyes stared back from the mirror. I blankly studied the pale image. Exhaling slowly, I tried to control my shaking limbs. The cold water soothed my distraught face as I gathered water from the faucet. I crushed the anger that was beginning to boil and filled my lungs with another soothing breath. I closed my eyes and reminded myself that I wasn’t going to live here forever before returning to the kitchen to complete my chores.

I breathed in sharply when I sat up in bed the next morning, my hand reaching for my sore stomach, feeling like I’d executed a thousand crunches. Despite the misery of my condition, I was still going to the library. There was no way I was staying in this house all day.

George and Carol didn’t think twice about allowing me to go. I was sure they wanted me out of the house as much as I wanted to leave it. I promised I’d be back in time for dinner at six. When I started out, the need to contract my tender muscles was excruciating. I pushed through the discomfort, eventually able to block it out completely – a coping skill I’d mastered over the years.

My heart fluttered faster than the effort needed to pedal the bike when I neared the library. My mouth crept into a smile at the thought of seeing Evan. I knew I should have been paranoid about being caught, but after last night, I knew there was going to be pain whether I did anything wrong or not – so maybe I should do something to actually deserve it. I locked my bike at the rack in the front of the building and leapt up the stairs. Before I entered, I discovered him propped against the stone exterior.

“Hi,” he said with a grin on his face.

“Hi,” I replied, my heart shifting into a higher gear. Seeing him standing there waiting for me only confirmed that this was worth the risk.

“Ready to hit some balls?”

“I’m ready for anything,” I declared, following him down the stairs to his car.