Reason to Breathe

“I’m not much of a talker,” I confessed, turning back to our assigned reading.

“I know.” His answer drew my attention - he had that amused grin spread across his lips.

I wasn’t in the mood to inquire about his antagonizing grin and didn’t give him another glance for the remainder of class. I wasn’t allowing myself to be dragged into the mystery that was Evan Mathews, not today. I just wanted to get through the day with as little attention paid to me as possible. I wished it could have been that easy.

Evan escorted me to Ms. Mier’s Art class. He didn’t try to talk to me. But he’d inspect me with a concerned flip of his eyes every so often as I walked blankly through the halls, not looking at him or anyone else. I had to sever my emotional cord to escape the anger and shame that silently slithered through my head, disconnecting myself from the stares and whispers that followed me down the hall.

“Today you are going to take a walk around the school property and snap pictures of scenes that inspire you for the calendar entry next month,” Ms. Mier announced. “The final pieces will be displayed along the wall of the main entrance where the students and faculty can view them. A vote will decide the twelve pieces to make the calendar. The artistic creation that has the most votes will also be the cover of the calendar. Does anyone have any questions?”

The class was silent. Ms. Mier asked a couple of students to pass out the cameras from the storage cabinet.

“Are you submitting an entry?” I asked Evan, who was standing behind me with his own camera in his hands. I glanced back to catch him raise his eyebrows, surprised to hear my voice.

“I’ll submit a photograph.”

“Please meet back in the class in forty minutes to return the cameras,” Ms. Mier instructed.

The class emptied into the halls, heading toward the stairs that led to the back of the school. I opted to take the side stairs that let out at the football field and tennis courts.

“Do you mind if I come with you?” Evan asked from the top of the stairs. I looked up at him from the middle of my descent and shrugged with indifference. Evan followed me in silence.

When we exited, the cool air blew against my face. The refreshing breeze sent a chill through me, waking me from my stupor. I observed the brilliant colors of the foliage and proceeded toward the football field.

“Did your parents say anything when you came home soaked the other night?”

“They weren’t around,” he replied dismissively.

“Does that bother you – not having them around?” I asked the question without thinking, not expecting an honest answer since it really was none of my business.

But he responded. “I’ve learned to cope. It was easier when my brother was still here.”

“You live with your aunt and uncle, right?” he countered.

“Yup.” I bent over to take a picture of the field through the fence, twisting the lens of the camera so it produced a blur of color. I stood up and continued toward the wooded area behind the bleachers.

“Not easy?” Evan stated casually, like he already knew the answer.

“No, not easy,” I agreed. I wasn’t finding the need to lie - yet. We were walking a delicate line of disclosure, without revealing too much.

“Tight reins?” Another question that sounded more like a statement.

“Definitely,” I answered, still taking unfocused pictures of the green foliage mixed with hints of red and orange. “And you don’t have any reins.”

“I guess not.”

The wind blew my hair from my face, and Evan winced. My cheeks reddened, realizing he hadn’t noticed the bruise on my head until now.

“Prone to bad luck?” he asked, nodding to my head.

“Depends on where I am,” I answered without answering. I tried to brush my hair back across my forehead with my fingers, concealing the purple reminder of my bad luck.

“How many brothers and sisters do you have?” I inquired, switching the focus back on him.

“Just the one brother, Jared. He’s a freshman at Cornell. And you?”

“No brothers or sisters – just my two younger cousins. Is he anything like you?”

“Nothing. He’s quiet, more musically inclined than athletically, and is really easy going.”

I smiled at the comparison. Evan smiled back, and my heart woke up from its two day slumber.

“Where are you considering going for college?”

“Several schools in California mainly, along with a few others in the New York, Jersey area. I’d love to get into Stanford if they’ll have me.”

“I heard they were here watching your game Thursday.”

I nodded, now focusing the camera on the ground brush and zooming in to capture the details of the fallen leaves.

“Where are you looking?”

“Cornell, obviously, but I have friends going to different schools in California, so I may head back. I have time to figure it out.”

We continued our delicately balanced conversation until it was time to return to the classroom.

“You have a night game on Friday, right?” he confirmed as we climbed the stairs.

“Yes.”

“What are you doing after school, before the game?”

“Probably staying at school and doing homework or whatever.”

“Do you want to get something to eat?” he asked, hesitating on the landing before opening the double doors leading to the hall. I stopped, and so did my heart.

“And yes, this would be a date, so that we’re clear,” he stated with a smirk. I stopped breathing too.

“Okay,” I breathed, still unable to move. Did I really just agree to go on a date?!

“Great,” he said, producing a brilliant smile that caused my heart to catapult to life at such a frantic pace that it left me lightheaded. “I’ll see you in Trig.” He continued down the hall past the Art room.

I returned my camera to the supply closet and walked in a daze to my locker.

“What is that grin for?” I heard Sara ask from what sounded like a mile away. I brought her into focus, not realizing that I’d been grinning.

“I’ll tell you later.” The grin turned into a smile.

“I hate it when you say that,” she groaned, but knew she didn’t have time to interrogate me in between classes. I grabbed my books and headed to Chemistry.

Class went by so slow. I took notes automatically and worked on the lab assignment with my chemistry partner. I kept looking at the clock to find that only five minutes had crept by. Finally, the bell rang.

“I hope you feel better,” my chem. partner offered. My forehead crumpled. “You seemed kind of out of it today.” I grinned, which only made her more confused.

When I arrived at my locker, Evan was waiting for me.

“Sorry, decided not to wait for you in class,” he explained with a grin.

Sara walked up to her locker. “Hi Evan.” She gave me a suspicious look from behind his back. I looked into my locker, pressing my lips together to fight the urge to smile.

“Can you tell me what you’re allowed to do?” Evan asked as he walked alongside me.

“Not much,” I answered seriously, my grin deflating.

“But you can do anything that involves school, right?” he confirmed, trying to put the pieces together.

“Pretty much. As long as I have a ride and am home before ten o’clock.”

“Would they know if you weren’t doing the school thing that you said you were doing but still followed the ten o’clock rule?”

I sunk onto my seat with my stomach in my chest. I could guess where he was going, and it was a place I was too afraid to even consider.

“I don’t know. Why?” I tightened my eyes to try to read his thoughts.

“Just wondering,” he said, still thinking. My attention was snapped to the front of the room when we were requested to pass our homework forward.

“Have you ever purposely done something you knew you weren’t supposed to do?” Evan continued with the inquisition on our way to Anatomy.

“Like what?” Again, not liking this line of questioning.

“Like sneaking out of the house, or saying you’re at the library but go to the movies instead?” I looked at him with wide eyes. I swallowed the lump lodged in my throat at the thought of it.

“I guess not,” he concluded by my speechlessness, and probably audible gulping.

“What are you thinking?” I finally asked.

“I’m just trying to figure this out.”

“What out?”

“Us,” he said as he entered the classroom and took his usual seat.

I stumbled to my seat, not breathing again. He was so confusing. I wished I had warnings when he was going to say things like that.

“Mr. Mathews,” Mr. Hodges declared, “would you please join Ms. Thomas at her table. It appears her partner is no longer in this class, and there is no point in having two single tables, especially when we have our dissection labs.”

Upon hearing this announcement, I stared down at the black surface of the table to conceal the blood that was rushing to my face.

Evan sat next to me and said, “Hi,” like he was introducing himself to me for the first time.

I released a blushing smile and quietly replied, “Hi.”

After Mr. Hodges began his lecture on the bones in the hand, I scribbled on a blank piece of paper, Are you already assuming there’s an us?

Evan wrote in response, Not yet.

I still didn’t understand what that meant and drew my eyebrows together, so he wrote, I’m getting ready for when there is.

My heart felt heavy, like it just fainted. There was a huge grin on Evan’s face. I wasn’t as amused. His questions and comments were making me dizzy. I tucked the paper in the back of my folder and stared at my notes, trying to conceal my bright red cheeks with my hair.

“See you later,” Evan said after class as he walked away. I was left looking after him, baffled. I knew there was a motive behind his line of questioning and the insane statements that followed, but I was so lost.

Sara was waiting for me, leaning against our lockers when I arrived. I opened my locker to return my books without saying anything. I knew what she was expecting.

“Do not do this to me,” she demanded impatiently.

“How was your date with Jason this weekend?” I attempted to redirect her attention.

“Not this time you don’t,” she scolded, still way too serious for Sara. “We’ll get to me later - talk.”

I paused, trying to digest what I was about to tell her.

“We’re going on a date after school on Friday, before our soccer game. We’re getting something to eat,” I confided. I wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Wow,” she responded with a smile that made me flush with color once again. “That’s really great. I really like this, Em. I have a good feeling about him.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

She flashed her eyes toward me, not understanding my reaction.

“I still don’t get him, Sara,” I admitted with a heavy sigh as we tread down the stairs toward the cafeteria. “He asks these questions and makes these cryptic remarks. I feel like I’m trying to read between the lines, but I’m still coming up blank. And then when I have an opportunity to ask him what he means, he disappears.”