Real Vampires Don't Diet

"I've been studying, reading. I know lots and lots of positions. And I have toys, outfits. I bet she's boring in bed. Please give me a shot. I even have a certificate, a clean bill of health from my doctor, in my purse." She gestured toward a tree to her right. Ray's stare gave me chills. Tina just kept talking, on a roll.

"Israel, please. Listen to me. I guarantee you'll never go back to Fat Ass there after I get through with you." I heard a snarl. Oh, that was me. The fat ass. Ray reached over and squeezed my hand. Valdez was pressed against my leg on the other side, his growls promising he would be happy to finish her at my signal.

Clueless Tina, a breath away from death, just kept talking. "I love you, Israel. Give me a chance to show you how much." Add tears to the pleading. But Tina was obviously under the influence of the whammy during the whole "Love me, Ray" recitation, her voice monotone, her stare never leaving Ray's face. Good thing, because one look at my face, and she'd run screaming if she was as smart as she thought she was.

"Well, that's the power of the rock star at work." My lips curled, my fangs more than ready to rip. Fat Ass? Nice was about to turn really nasty. Sorry, but I'd seen Tina's curves and they weren't any smaller than mine. Talk about delusions. Underneath the eau de pepper spray she reeked of Juicy, a perfume one of Ray's former girlfriends had declared his favorite scent. She also smelled of B negative, which under normal circumstances would have called my name. Right now it was calling all right.

"Drain me," it whispered.

"Why the dog, Tina?" Ray didn't even smile. Which showed more character than I'd given him credit for. That free sex offer should have at least made him waggle his eyebrows, wink, something. Instead he was focused on the threat to Valdez.

"I figured losing her dog would show that bitch the dangers of being with a rocker. I'd send a note, of course. So she'd know why he went missing. And whose stew pot he went into. I'd also let her know that if she didn't leave you alone, she'd be next."

"Holy shit. The woman's psycho." Valdez looked up at me. "What is this? A bad remake of Fatal Attraction?"

"Damn, I'm sorry, Valdez. You'd be surprised how many obsessive fans I've seen. Usually they're fairly harmless." Ray walked over to the tree and picked up Tina's tote. He pulled out a wallet and handed me her drivers license. "We'll give this to Nathan tomorrow night. He'll know who to notify to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone else."

"That makes me feel better. Problem is, that psycho helps with my MySpace page and has a really nice mother." I felt my fingernails bite into my palm and took a few seconds to struggle for calm.

"Nathan will know what to do. I'll tell him to be discreet." Ray tossed the bag aside. "Though why the hell we should worry about discretion, I don't know. Women like this are unpredictable, Glory, and with the power of the Internet"

"So we send her home with a nice new memory. Okay, here's what you do now. Make eye contact with her again, Ray. Suggest to her that she forget about Valdez, about this wild ass plot to steal my dog and that the dog did not talk. I don't think you can erase her whole Israel Caine obsession. Too strong. But you can send her home thinking that she waited in the park and you came out of the shop. That you talked to her and were really nice. Here, sign her purse." I grabbed a pen from my own bag and handed him her Coach. I know, I considered it a desecration to write on a designer leather bag, but an obsessed fan would probably treasure it. "Write 'To Tina, a great fan.' And sign it."

"You sure this will diffuse the situation?" Ray did what I said.

"It's worth a shot. Like I said, she's connected to my fan club. It's complicated." So why did I feel like I was wimping out here?

"She'll get home and tell her mother. They'll blog about her Israel Caine meeting on the site. Probably not remember that Valdez or I were even here."

"Good. I don't want her within a thousand feet of you." Ray threw her purse to the ground and issued his orders. We watched as Tina sleepwalked through picking up her purse and heading to her car.

"You sure you shouldn't just rip out her throat and be done with it?" Valdez rubbed his head against my leg. "She could still decide to come after you, Glory. "

"Tempting, V. I can't stand the way she went after what she thought was an innocent animal." I scratched his ears. "I can handle a psycho bitch, anytime, anywhere. But say the word and I'll send her to hell right now." I saw Ray's eyes widen. Did he think I was kidding? I let him read my mind.

"Son of a bitch! You guys don't fool around, do you?" Ray stared at me then at Valdez. "What"

"Naw, not worth the effort. We going upstairs now? I still feel like I have pepper up my nose. It's been hours since I ate those muffins. I think I need a snack. At least a dozen Twinkies."

"You got it." I turned to Ray. "Good job on the whammy, Ray. Think you could do it again?"

"Yeah." Ray cleared his throat. "Welcome to my world. One rocker's girlfriend had her hair set on fire." He put his arm around me. "Of course she wasn't a badass vampire as far as I know. I remember that Freddie Mercury ran with one chick who might have been a zombie."

"Yeah, I heard that." We both chuckled and I relaxed against Ray for a moment. "Welcome to my world too. Sometimes we have to use violence. You might as well get used to the idea. And I know this wasn't your fault."

"Maybe it was. The name sounds familiar. I think she's been sending e-mails, snail mail, packages. Nathan keeps track of that stuff. Or rather his assistant Dru does. We should have taken Tina seriously." Ray ran a hand through his hair as we crossed the deserted street. "Dru's in New York. I guess we should think about moving her out here if I stay much longer. There's probably more of this kind of thing I'm letting slide."

"Forget long-range for now. Think short-range. Aggie. Flo and Richard need to be clued in and they're waiting for us. And just wait till you hear the complication Aggie's cooked up for us. Flo's already called me three times and Richard's getting tired of watching your old music videos and reading bridal magazines." I saw Ray's mouth open. "Don't ask. Let's go. I want to bring them and you up to speed. Among other things, I made contact with an EV tonight."

"When? Where was I?" Valdez practically leaped up the stairs after I punched in the security code to let us inside the building.

"You met with someone alone?" Ray put his hand over mine when I was about to unlock my apartment door.

"Well, yes. I handled it." Ray and Valdez both stared at me like I was a first-class idiot. "Quit ganging up on me."

"You shouldn't be taking chances like that. And you definitely won't be walking Valdez in that park anymore without backup. Got it?"

"Man, you're sounding like Jerry. Am I going to have two overprotective males in my life now?"

"Three. Valdez, am I right?" Ray put his knuckles down and Valdez butted his head against them.

"Damn straight."

"Look, I'm perfectly capable of looking out for myself. I'm the trainer, you're the trainee, Ray. Remember?"

"I know I'm not Jerry. He's a hell of a lot more powerful than I am now. Valdez too. But I do care what happens to you. Give me a hundred years or so and I bet I'll be able to kick both Jerry and Valdez's butts to hell and back, see if I don't."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Valdez sniffed. " I could stand around here and compare packages, but I think I smell something good cooking on the third floor. There's a shifter up there who likes me, Glory." He sat and rubbed his face with one paw.

"She can feed me while you two tell Flo and Richard about that freak-a-zoid Siren. See youlater. Keep giving her hell, Caine. Glory, I'll be back before sunrise. Don't you dare leave this building without me." He headed up.

"More orders." I looked at Valdez's furry backside as he disappeared around the turn in the stairs. "I'll do what I damn well please, mister! You think I don't know why you're headed upstairs? You're scared of Flo. You're not a dog, you're a chicken."

"Where Flo's concerned? Cluck. Cluck."

"What? Are you in third grade?" Ray grinned at me.

"They didn't have grades when I went to school back in the dark ages. Didn't have school for girls at ail actually. My mum taught me what I needed to know. Picked up everything else later. Much later." I leaned against the door and studied Ray, trying to imagine both of us in a hundred years. Oh, we'd look the same, but what would the world be like? Where would we be?

Roasting in hell if we didn't handle the next few weeks right.

And if we somehow managed to salvage this situation would we stay in touch? Doubtful. It was rare for immortals to keep the same friends for centuries. I guess that was why I was so close to Jerry. He'd made the effort to keep track of me. I'd never had the resources to do the same for him.

"I keep forgetting that you're so much older than I am. You look young, talk young." Ray ran a finger down my cheek. "I'll always keep in touch with you, Glory." He'd been mind reading again. "I know you didn't turn me vampire, but you're making sure I'm going to do this gig right. I owe you. You need me, anytime, anywhere, give me a shout. At the very least, I can sing something for you. It helped with Aggie."

"Your singing has helped a lot of people. Don't let fanzilla Tina's reaction to it bring you down." I breathed in his now familiar scent. Ray hadn't asked to be made vampire and it was playing hell with his life. Some things he had always loved, like the sun, were now permanently off-limits. But, except for that brief bout with the booze, he hadn't whined, just accepted the inevitable and moved on. I admired him. Go figure. ns class="adsbygoogle" style="display:block" data-ad-client="ca-pub-7451196230453695" data-ad-slot="9930101810" data-ad-format="auto" data-full-width-responsive="true">