Pyramids (Discworld #7)

'Don't know how to tell you this, sir,' he said.

'Out with it, man.'

'Sir, they say he's dead, sir. They say he killed himself and ran away.

'Killed himself?'

'Sorry, sir.'

'And ran away afterwards?'

'On a camel, they say.'

'We lead an active afterlife in our family, don't we?' observed the king dryly.

'Beg pardon, sir?'

'I mean, the two statements could be held to be mutually exclusive.'

Dil's face became a well-meaning blank.

'That is to say, they can't both be true,' supplied the king, helpfully.

'Ahem,' said Dil.

'Yes, but I'm a special case,' said the king testily. 'In this kingdom we believe you live after death only if you've been mumm-'

He stopped.

It was too horrible to think about. He thought about it, nevertheless, for some time.

Then he said, 'We must do something about it.'

Dil said, 'Your son, sir?'

'Never mind about my son, he's not dead, I'd know about it,' snapped the king. 'He can look after himself, he's my son. It's my ancestors I'm worried about.'

'But they're dead-' Dil began.

It has already been remarked that Dil had a very poor imagination. In a job like his a poor imagination was essential. But his mind's eye opened on a panorama of pyramids, stretching along the river, and his mind's ear swooped and curved through solid doors that no thief could penetrate.

And it heard the scrabbling.

And it heard the hammering.

And it heard the muffled shouting.

The king put a bandaged arm over his trembling shoulders.

'I know you're a good man with a needle, Dil,' he said. 'Tell me - how are you with a sledgehammer?'

Copolymer, the greatest storyteller in the history of the world, sat back and beamed at the greatest minds in the world, assembled at the dining table.

Teppic had added another iota to his store of new knowledge. 'Symposium' meant a knife-and-fork tea.

'Well,' said Copolymer, and launched into the story of the Tsortean Wars.

'You see, what happened was, he'd taken her back home, and her father - this wasn't the old king, this was the one before, the one with the wossname, he married some girl from over Elharib way, she had a squint, what was her name now, began with a P. Or an L. One of them letters, anyway. Her father owned an island out on the bay there, Papylos I think it was. No, I tell a lie, it was Crinix. Anyway, the king, the other king, he raised an army and they . . . Elenor, that was her name. She had a squint, you know. But quite attractive, they say. When I say married, I trust I do not have to spell it out for you. I mean, it was a bit unofficial. Er. Anyway, there was this wooden horse and after they'd got in . . . Did I tell you about this horse? It was a horse. I'm pretty sure it was a horse. Or maybe it was a chicken. Forget my own name next! It was wossname's idea, the one with the limp. Yes. The limp in his leg, I mean. Did I mention him? There'd been this fight. No, that was the other one, I think. Yes. Anyway, this wooden pig, damn clever idea, they made it out of thing. Tip of my tongue. Wood. But that was later, you know. The fight! Nearly forgot the fight. Yes. Damn good fight. Everyone banging on their shields and yelling. Wossname's armour shone like shining armour. Fight and a half, that fight. Between thingy, not the one with the limp, the other one, wossname, had red hair. You know. Tall fellow, talked with a lisp. Hold on, just remembered, he was from some other island. Not him. The other one, with the limp. Didn't want to go, he said he was mad. Of course, he was bloody mad, definitely. I mean, a wooden cow! Like wossname said, the king, no, not that king, the other one, he saw the goat, he said, “I fear the Ephebians, especially when they're mad enough to leave bloody great wooden livestock on the doorstep, talk about nerve, they must think we was born yesterday, set fire to it,” and, of course, wossname had nipped in round the back and put everyone to the sword, talk about laugh. Did I say she had a squint? They said she was pretty, but it takes all sorts. Yes. Anyway, that's how it happened. Now, of course, wossname - I think he was called Melycanus, had a limp - he wanted to go home, well, you would, they'd been there for years, he wasn't getting any younger. That's why he dreamt up the thing about the wooden wossname. Yes. I tell a lie, Lavaelous was the one with the knee. Pretty good fight, that fight, take it from me.'

He lapsed into self-satisfied silence.

'Pretty good fight,' he mumbled and, smiling faintly, dropped off to sleep.

Teppic was aware that his own mouth was hanging open. He shut it. Along the table several of the diners were wiping their eyes.

'Magic,' said Xeno. 'Sheer magic. Every word a tassel on the canopy of Time.'

'It's the way he remembers every tiny detail. Pin-sharp,' murmured Ibid.

Teppic looked down the length of the table, and then nudged Xeno beside him. 'Who is everyone?' he said.

'Well, Ibid you already know. And Copolymer. Over there, that's Iesope, the greatest teller of fables in the world. And that's Antiphon, the greatest writer of comic plays in the world.'

'Where is Pthagonal?' said Teppic. Xeno pointed to the far end of the table, where a glum-looking, heavy-drinking man was trying to determine the angle between two bread rolls. 'I'll introduce you to him afterwards,' he said.

Teppic looked around at the bald heads and long white beards, which seemed to be a badge of office. If you had a bald head and a long white beard, they seemed to indicate, whatever lay between them must be bursting with wisdom. The only exception was Antiphon, who looked as though he was built of pork.

They are great minds, he told himself. These are men who are trying to work out how the world fits together, not by magic, not by religion, but just by inserting their brains in whatever crack they can find and trying to lever it apart.

Ibid rapped on the table for silence.

'The Tyrant has called for war on Tsort,' he said. 'Now, let us consider the place of war in the ideal republic,' he said. 'We would require-'

'Excuse me, could you just pass me the celery?' said Iesope. 'Thank you.'

'-the ideal republic, as I was saying, based on the fundamental laws that govern-'

'And the salt. It's just by your elbow.'

'-the fundamental laws, that is, which govern all men. Now, it is without doubt true that war. . . could you stop that, please?'

'It's celery,' said Iesope, crunching cheerfully. 'You can't help it with celery.'

Xeno peered suspiciously at what was on his fork.

'Here, this is squid,' he said. 'I didn't ask for squid. Who ordered squid?'

'-without doubt,' repeated Thid, raising his voice, 'without doubt, I put it to you-

'I think this is the lamb couscous,' said Antiphon.

'Was yours the squid?'

'I asked for marida and dolmades.'

'I ordered the lamb. Just pass it along, will you?'

'I don't remember anyone asking for all this garlic bread,' said Xeno.

'Look, some of us are trying to float a philosophical concept here,' said Ibid sarcastically. 'Don't let us interrupt you, will you?'

Someone threw a breadstick at him.

Teppic looked at what was on his fork. Seafood was unknown in the kingdom, and what was on his fork had too many valves and suckers to be reassuring. He lifted a boiled vine leaf with extreme care, and was sure he saw something scuttle behind an olive.

Ah. Something else to remember, then. The Ephebians made wine out of anything they could put in a bucket, and ate anything that couldn't climb out of one.

He pushed the food around on his plate. Some of it pushed back.

And philosophers didn't listen to one another. And they don't stick to the point. This probably is mocracy at work.

A bread roll bounced past him. Oh, and they get over-excited.

He noticed a skinny little man sitting opposite him, chewing primly on some anonymous tentacle. Apart from Pthagonal the geometrician, who was now gloomily calculating the radius of his plate, he was the only person not speaking his mind at the top of his voice. Sometimes he'd make little notes on a piece of parchment and slip it into his toga.

Teppic leaned across. Further down the table Iesope, encouraged by occasional olive stones and bread rolls, started a long fable about a fox, a turkey, a goose and a wolf, who had a wager to see who could stay longest underwater with heavy weights tied to their feet.

'Excuse me,' said Teppic, raising his voice above the din. 'Who are you?'

The little man gave him a shy look. He had extremely large ears. In a certain light, he could have been mistaken for a very thin jug.

'I'm Endos,' he said.

'Why aren't you philosophising?'

Endos sliced a strange mollusc.

'I'm not a philosopher, actually,' he said.

'Or a humorous playwright or something?' said Teppic.

'I'm afraid not. I'm a Listener. Endos the Listener, I'm known as.'

'That's fascinating,' said Teppic automatically. 'What does that involve?'

'Listening.'

'Just listening?'

'That's what they pay me for,' said Endos. 'Sometimes I nod. Or smile. Or nod and smile at the same time. Encouragingly, you know. They like that.'

Teppic felt he was called upon to comment at this point. 'Gosh,' he said.

Endos gave him an encouraging nod, and a smile that suggested that of all the things Endos could be doing in the world right at this minute there was nothing so basically riveting as listening to Teppic. It was something about his ears. They appeared to be a vast aural black hole, begging to be filled up with words. Teppic felt an overpowering urge to tell him all about his life and hopes and dreams...

'I bet,' he said, 'that they pay you an awful lot of money.

Endos gave him a heartening smile.

'Have you listened to Copolymer tell his story lots of times?'

Endos nodded and smiled, although there was a faint trace of pain right behind his eyes.

'I expect,' said Teppic, 'that your ears develop protective rough surfaces after a while?'

Endos nodded. 'Do go on,' he urged.

Teppic glanced across at Pthagonal, who was moodily drawing right angles in his taramasalata.

'I'd love to stay and listen to you listening to me all day,' he said. 'But there's a man over there I'd like to see.'

'That's amazing,' said Endos, making a short note and turning his attention to a conversation further along the table. A philosopher had averred that although truth was beauty, beauty was not necessarily truth, and a fight was breaking out. Endos listened carefully.[27]

Teppic wandered along the table to where Pthagonal was sitting in unrelieved misery, and currently peering suspiciously over the crust of a pie.

Teppic looked over his shoulder.

'I think I saw something moving in there,' he said.

'Ah,' said the geometrician, taking the cork out of an amphora with his teeth. 'The mysterious young man in black from the lost kingdom.'

'I was hoping you could help me find it again?' said Teppic.

'I heard that you have some very unusual ideas in Ephebe.'

'It had to happen,' said Pthagonal. He pulled a pair of dividers from the folds of his robe and measured the pie thoughtfully. 'Is it a constant, do you think? It's a depressing concept.'

'Sorry?' said Teppic.

'The diameter divides into the circumference, you know. It ought to be three times. You'd think so, wouldn't you? But does it? No. Three point one four one and lots of other figures. There's no end to the buggers. Do you know how pissed off that makes me?'

'I expect it makes you extremely pissed off,' said Teppic politely.

'Right. It tells me that the Creator used the wrong kind of circles. It's not even a proper number! I mean, three point five, you could respect. Or three point three. That'd look right.' He stared morosely at the pie.