Pygmalion
Page 20HIGGINS [snatching a chocolate cream from the piano, his eyes suddenly
beginning to twinkle with mischief] Have some chocolates, Eliza.
LIZA [halting, tempted] How do I know what might be in them? I've heard
of girls being drugged by the like of you.
Higgins whips out his penknife; cuts a chocolate in two; puts one half
into his mouth and bolts it; and offers her the other half.
HIGGINS. Pledge of good faith, Eliza. I eat one half you eat the other.
[Liza opens her mouth to retort: he pops the half chocolate into it].
You shall have boxes of them, barrels of them, every day. You shall
live on them. Eh?
LIZA [who has disposed of the chocolate after being nearly choked by
it] I wouldn't have ate it, only I'm too ladylike to take it out of my
mouth.
HIGGINS. Listen, Eliza. I think you said you came in a taxi.
LIZA. Well, what if I did? I've as good a right to take a taxi as
HIGGINS. You have, Eliza; and in future you shall have as many taxis as
you want. You shall go up and down and round the town in a taxi every
day. Think of that, Eliza.
MRS. PEARCE. Mr. Higgins: you're tempting the girl. It's not right. She
should think of the future.
HIGGINS. At her age! Nonsense! Time enough to think of the future when
you haven't any future to think of. No, Eliza: do as this lady does:
think of other people's futures; but never think of your own. Think of
chocolates, and taxis, and gold, and diamonds.
LIZA. No: I don't want no gold and no diamonds. I'm a good girl, I am.
[She sits down again, with an attempt at dignity].
HIGGINS. You shall remain so, Eliza, under the care of Mrs. Pearce. And
you shall marry an officer in the Guards, with a beautiful moustache:
the son of a marquis, who will disinherit him for marrying you, but
PICKERING. Excuse me, Higgins; but I really must interfere. Mrs. Pearce
is quite right. If this girl is to put herself in your hands for six
months for an experiment in teaching, she must understand thoroughly
what she's doing.
HIGGINS. How can she? She's incapable of understanding anything.
Besides, do any of us understand what we are doing? If we did, would we
ever do it?
PICKERING. Very clever, Higgins; but not sound sense. [To Eliza] Miss
Doolittle--
LIZA [overwhelmed] Ah--ah--ow--oo!
HIGGINS. There! That's all you get out of Eliza. Ah--ah--ow--oo! No use
explaining. As a military man you ought to know that. Give her her
orders: that's what she wants. Eliza: you are to live here for the next
six months, learning how to speak beautifully, like a lady in a
sleep in a proper bedroom, and have lots to eat, and money to buy
chocolates and take rides in taxis. If you're naughty and idle you will
sleep in the back kitchen among the black beetles, and be walloped by
Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months you shall go to
Buckingham Palace in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the King finds
out you're not a lady, you will be taken by the police to the Tower of
London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other
presumptuous flower girls. If you are not found out, you shall have a
present of seven-and-sixpence to start life with as a lady in a shop.
If you refuse this offer you will be a most ungrateful and wicked girl;
and the angels will weep for you. [To Pickering] Now are you satisfied,
Pickering? [To Mrs. Pearce] Can I put it more plainly and fairly, Mrs.
Pearce?