Pygmalion

LIZA. What's this for?

HIGGINS. To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels

moist. Remember: that's your handkerchief; and that's your sleeve.

Don't mistake the one for the other if you wish to become a lady in a

shop.

Liza, utterly bewildered, stares helplessly at him.

MRS. PEARCE. It's no use talking to her like that, Mr. Higgins: she

doesn't understand you. Besides, you're quite wrong: she doesn't do it

that way at all [she takes the handkerchief].

LIZA [snatching it] Here! You give me that handkerchief. He give it to

me, not to you.

PICKERING [laughing] He did. I think it must be regarded as her

property, Mrs. Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE [resigning herself] Serve you right, Mr. Higgins.

PICKERING. Higgins: I'm interested. What about the ambassador's garden

party? I'll say you're the greatest teacher alive if you make that

good. I'll bet you all the expenses of the experiment you can't do it.

And I'll pay for the lessons.

LIZA. Oh, you are real good. Thank you, Captain.

HIGGINS [tempted, looking at her] It's almost irresistible. She's so

deliciously low--so horribly dirty--

LIZA [protesting extremely] Ah--ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oooo!!! I ain't

dirty: I washed my face and hands afore I come, I did.

PICKERING. You're certainly not going to turn her head with flattery,

Higgins.

MRS. PEARCE [uneasy] Oh, don't say that, sir: there's more ways than

one of turning a girl's head; and nobody can do it better than Mr.

Higgins, though he may not always mean it. I do hope, sir, you won't

encourage him to do anything foolish.

HIGGINS [becoming excited as the idea grows on him] What is life but a

series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never

lose a chance: it doesn't come every day. I shall make a duchess of

this draggletailed guttersnipe.

LIZA [strongly deprecating this view of her] Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oo!

HIGGINS [carried away] Yes: in six months--in three if she has a good

ear and a quick tongue--I'll take her anywhere and pass her off as

anything. We'll start today: now! this moment! Take her away and clean

her, Mrs. Pearce. Monkey Brand, if it won't come off any other way. Is

there a good fire in the kitchen?

MRS. PEARCE [protesting]. Yes; but--

HIGGINS [storming on] Take all her clothes off and burn them. Ring up

Whiteley or somebody for new ones. Wrap her up in brown paper till they

come.

LIZA. You're no gentleman, you're not, to talk of such things. I'm a

good girl, I am; and I know what the like of you are, I do.

HIGGINS. We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, young woman.

You've got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away, Mrs.

Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her.