Providence

It was in Ryan’s chicken scratch.

Wil you go to lunch w/me? (circle one) I’l lose my appetite if I have to sit across from you.

I already have lunch plans w/my husband.

Of course, I need to practice my slogans.

I wanted to rol my eyes at his childish note, but when I saw the expectant grin on his face, I couldn’t say no. I circled ‘C’, folded it, and tossed it back.

Ryan always came up with the sil iest things, and I adored that about him. Unbeknownst to him, he was a safe harbor from my other life, the one that had become ful of shadows and uncertainty.

I watched him unfold the paper and read my answer. He didn’t look up at me; he folded back the smal torn page and stuffed it in his pocket, a wide grin across his face.

After class, Ryan and I walked to The Gate. He was his usual amusing self, and I laughed every step of the way. A few times I noticed he would hug me to him, nudge me, and a few times he led me by the smal of my back through the doors he held open. I had the distinct feeling we were on a date, even though that wasn’t the case. The only thing that bothered me was that Ryan’s touch didn’t bother me. It wasn’t the electricity I felt with Jared, but it felt expected, almost comfortable.

I didn’t realize when Ryan asked me to lunch that the entire study group was coming, but I smiled at the friends that filtered in and surrounded us.

Over the next hour, we sat hunched over our paper plates of pizza that we balanced on our laps, the boys trying their best to keep their towering stacks of slices from fal ing to the floor. Ryan and Kim were inexplicably engaged in a contest to see who could take the bigger bite. Our ordinary moment was a welcomed break and I smiled at the laughter saturating the air around me, absorbing the sweet chaos I hadn’t realized I’d missed.

Ryan walked out with me and smiled. “You’re staying here, tonight, huh?”

“I am,” I grinned.

He prolonged our walk with a leisurely pace. “Are you going to study group tonight?”

“Are you?”

He shrugged. “I need to. I was going to ask for your help.”

“You need more help than I can give you, but I’l do my best.”

Ryan kept his hands in his pockets, angling his face towards the sunshine. He looked truly happy, and I felt a warm tinge in my chest. I was hopeful that we could remain in each other’s lives, after al .

“It’s nice today. I could grab a blanket and we could hang out on the greens,” he said, purposeful y bumping into me.

Jared waiting for me came to the forefront of my mind, but I didn’t want to spoil Ryan’s buoyant mood. We walked a few more steps as I decided how I should explain to him why I wouldn’t. I had experienced normal, the normal I had been desperate for, and yet I found myself giddy at the thought of seeing Jared again.

“It’s okay if you can’t. I’l see you tonight.” Ryan said, squinting as he looked to the sky again. I was thankful that his radiant grin hadn’t faded.

I smiled in response and he pul ed me into his side, kissing my forehead.

“Later, Nigh,” he said before turning toward his dorm.

I pul ed in a big, cleansing breath of air. I felt renewed and rejuvenated. Even with the frightening things that lurked in the shadows, something had made it al disappear. I quickened my pace, eager to see Jared again. He was the only thing that could make my afternoon better.

The door was cracked when I arrived, and I pushed it open to find Jared looking out of the opened slits of the window blind. A smile immediately streaked across my face.

“Did you have a good time?” he asked, not turning around.

I walked up behind him, wrapped my arms tightly around his middle and squeezed. He folded his arms over mine.

“As if you have to ask. You should have joined us,” I said, closing my eyes and taking in his wonderful scent. When he didn’t respond, I released my grip on him and walked around to see the perfection of his features. His eyes were bright and cloudless like the sky outside, but they seemed sad.

“I didn’t want to interrupt.”

I smoothed the barely noticeable wrinkle between his eyebrows. “It would have been better had you shown up.”

He looked away for a moment. “You don’t need me with you every second, Nina. You seem happier sometimes when I’m not.”

“You think because you sensed that I was happy this afternoon it was because you weren’t there? Don’t be ridiculous,” I scolded.

“I think it’s good for you to spend time with your friends. I loved watching you laugh with them. You haven’t laughed like that in a long time,” he said as a smal smile materialized on his face. It looked unnatural against the worried set of his eyes.

I hopped on one foot to pul off one boot and then repeated the process with the other. My feet felt as if I’d been trudging through a swamp from the uncharacteristical y warm weather outside.

“Jared, what is it? Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” he shifted. “Can we not talk about this?”

“I want to know,” I said, keeping myself in his line of sight.

Jared sighed and cringed at the words he was about to speak. “I’m glad that you’re happy you and Ryan are friends again. Believe me when I say that as long as it makes you happy, I want that for you. But I’m in love with you, Nina. I can’t help but be a little worried knowing what I know.”

“I don’t feel that way about him, Jared. You have to sense that,” I said, touching his arm.

“I know,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tight. “I don’t think it wil ever become easier to watch him make you laugh, though.”

He relaxed his face and tried another reassuring smile, but it fel short.

I raised one eyebrow. “Jared Ryel, are you jealous?”

Jared raked his hair with his fingers and let them slide to his neck, rubbing it nervously. “You asked, Nina. I told you the truth.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You’re jealous.”

He shook his head no. “I’m…,” he pressed his lips together and shook his head yes with a few quick jerks, “a little jealous, yeah.”

“Oh.”

Jared positioned himself in front of me and cupped my shoulders. “I don’t want to lose you. Especial y after the morning we had compared to your afternoon with him. It wouldn’t take much more of that for you to question why you chose me.”

My feelings had betrayed me. Jared’s connection to me had become stronger, and he could feel my relief to be around Ryan. He sensed the contentment I’d experienced at lunch. My stomach reeled with guilt for indulging in such emotions. Nothing could compensate for the love and safety I felt with Jared.

My eyes fel to the floor when I realized how it must have hurt him. I was bathing in my temporary liberation from the madness that had exploded around me, and he must have thought I was glad to be free of him.

He could sense my feelings, but he didn’t know the motivation behind them.

I continued to look down, picking at my nails as an excuse. “It was nice to have a little normal today, Jared. I do enjoy spending time with Ryan…with al of my friends,” I looked to his face to gauge his reaction. “But do you honestly think I would trade being with you for one sil y afternoon?”

Jared didn’t speak for a long while. I watched as several emotions scrol ed over his face; he seemed to appreciate what I was trying to say, but I could see the turmoil in his eyes.

Jared shook his head and tensed his arms around me. “When I’m with you, Nina...you’re the only thing that gives me peace. It seems like I’m the opposite for you.”

“It doesn’t always seem like you’re al that happy and peaceful with me,” I pointed out.

Jared’s face crumpled. “I don’t want you to think that. I said this morning that I should have never sat on that bench…I didn’t mean it. That was the beginning of the best moments of my life.”

I pressed my cheek against his chest and relaxed into the heat that blazed through his t-shirt.

“Everything around us is crazy,” I said. “Being with you is the only thing that makes sense. You were so worried about the way I felt when I was with Ryan that you obviously missed the way I felt when I realized I was going to see you soon.”

That caught his attention. “When was that?”

“On my way here.”

“So that was about me? It wasn’t because you were with him?”Jared’s eyebrows pushed up and then pressed together, looking somewhat disconcerted and touched at the same time. Realization hit him and the tension melted from his eyes. A few seconds later, a wide grin flashed across his face.

“That makes me happy,” I said, matching his smile.

I leaned up on the bal s of my feet and kissed him. He tightened his grip around me and my feet slowly came off the floor. My lips were slow and deliberate. I wrapped my arms around his neck, happy that it was my turn to demonstrate my feelings with a kiss.

After a moment, he returned me to the floor. I pressed my forehead against his chest and sighed at the sil y misunderstanding. Jared was obviously more worried about my fate with Ryan than I thought.

I looked up at him. “If I’m happy when you’re not around, it’s because I’m thinking of you.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t say things the way I can?” he beamed.

“It’s just the truth,” I said in earnest. I was beyond pleased that he compared his always elegant articulation with my stunted, debilitated speech.

Jared kissed me again, this time scooping me into his arms and lowering me onto my bed. His lips traveled over to my ear, and then slowly made their way down my neck.

I slipped my hands under his shirt and ran my fingers up his back, marveling at the incredible muscles of his torso and his baby-soft skin. Jared pul ed his shirt over his head with one hand and tossed it onto the floor. As he did so, his muscles stretched and flexed under his skin, and the butterflies in my stomach erupted into a frenzy.

“Is it hot in here?” I teased.

“Getting pretty toasty,” he smiled, leaning down to kiss me again.

I pul ed away from his mouth, sucking in a deep breath of air. His kisses were not the cautious kind. The electricity from his lips pulsated al the way to my toes. His mouth moved the way it did in his kitchen the night Claire made an unexpected a visit.

“It’s definitely hot in here,” I breathed. With that, I reached down and pul ed my sweater over my head. Jared pressed his torso against me and I moaned as the feverish temperature of his skin burned against mine. I took another deep breath between Jared’s amazing kisses and pressed my fingers into his chest, pushing him away. Jared leaned back, surprised.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, his breath quick and shal ow.

My breathing matched his. “You’ve told me the truth. We love each other, and I’m pretty sure it’s been established that we’re spending the rest of our lives together.”

“Yeah?” he breathed, clearly impatient.

“Please don’t stop,” I begged, staring at his lips.

Jared’s eyes radiated a sky blue as he pressed his mouth against mine. His fingers traced my col ar bone, catching the strap of my bra and slowly sliding it off my shoulder. Every inch of me felt tingly, and the nerves under my skin screamed in anticipation. I pul ed him against me as his lips touched the cusp of my bare shoulder. His mouth parted against my skin and his tongue tasted my flesh, giving rise to goose bumps when the air cooled the heat left behind. I wrapped my legs around him and my thighs automatical y tensed with an overwhelming sensation.

Jared pul ed in a ragged deep breath and firmly worked his mouth against mine. It had less caution than before, eager, a prelude to what we both knew was coming.

He leaned his cheek against mine to whisper in my ear. “Are you sure?”

I wrapped my arms around him, my body aching with a desire I had never felt before in my life. I was more than ready. “Don’t stop,” I whispered, the need for him becoming almost painful.

I felt his hand slowly and deliberately glide down my side, over my bare ribs, past my hips to settle on the button of my jeans. Effortlessly he pul ed it open and the butterflies that had been in my stomach escaped to more southern regions. He steadied himself with one hand on the mattress as he slid his fingers down my hip, in between my skin and the denim. I let a sigh escape my lips, waiting for him to remove any clothing impudent enough to come between us.

“Wel , we can just get it at the….” Beth said, pul ing her key out of the door as she walked through with Chad. “OH!” she squealed as Jared pul ed his shirt over me.

I cowered behind Jared’s body, covering my face with one hand. “Hey, Beth,” I said, stil trying to catch my breath and peeking at her through my fingers.

“Hey! What’s up? I mean…how are you guys? I’m…we’re….” Beth looked at Chad, mortified.

“We were just leaving,” Chad said, pul ing Beth’s arm with one hand and shutting the door with the other.

Jared playful y col apsed on top of me, and groaned with frustration.

I kept my hand over my eyes, too embarrassed and frustrated to speak.

Jared eased onto his side and pul ed my hand from my face. “You’re blushing.”

“I know.”

Jared kissed my hand. “I’m starting to think there is a reason for al the interruptions.”

I grimaced. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He chuckled. “Here,” he said, holding my sweater.

I pul ed the thin lime green fabric from his hand and sat up.

“The only thing the constant interruptions mean is that one of us needs to change the locks,” I grumbled, jerking my sweater over my head and buttoning my jeans. I smiled as an errant thought crossed my mind. “We have an entire week in Nicaragua.”