Princess Zara
Page 74It seemed at that moment as if I could not deny her. Every impulse of
my soul cried out to me that it would be a very little thing to do,
after all.
It was not the danger which threatened, that influenced me, not at all
that; it was her own supplication. The danger, and our own necessities,
were very real for her, even if I, in my secret heart, made little of
them.
For a moment I think I was undecided, but then the full force of what
such an act would mean, the full realisation of what I would become in
my own eyes by so stultifying myself, brought me back to energy, and I
reached forward, grasping her, and drew her to her feet; I rising,
"Zara," I said with deliberation, "once and for all, and for the last
time, we must not discuss such a thing. If I should take the oath of
nihilism, if I should even consider doing so, I could not look into my
mirror, save with horror. I am a man in the employ of his majesty, the
czar. I have given him my word of honor, as an American gentleman, to
do and perform certain things, and I will and must do and perform them
all. I should say, too, that he did not seek me, but that I sought him.
That is to say, he did not seek me with any knowledge on my part that
he did so, and I sought him while I was entirely ignorant that he even
guessed at my intent. Seeking him, I was brought into contact with him.
for whom I have infinite respect and esteem, notwithstanding the
charges you make against him, and the things of which you deem him
guilty." She made a gesture of repulsion, but I took no notice of it,
and went on. "I find now, Zara, in the light of what has occurred here
between us, and in the glory of our great love, that I must tell you
who and what I am, and how it happens that I am here with you, at this
moment." She bowed her head in acknowledgment of my statement, but made
no reply in words. She had changed wonderfully in the last few minutes,
and she was cold now, and distant, shocked, I thought, by this new
difficulty that had come between us at the very moment of our greatest
years in the past, in the service of my government as a diplomatic
agent and secret service officer; something very much after the
character of what you would call over here, a spy. Yet, in my country,
Zara, we have no spies, as you understand the term. My employment has
been an honorable one, and no man can defame it." She shrugged her
shoulders, and I went on rapidly. "In the operation of my duties, I
have visited St. Petersburg several times. From a distance, and as an
observer only, I have studied nihilism and the nihilist. Some time ago,
a friend of mine whose name perhaps you will recognize, came to me and
made a suggestion, which, having followed, has ended by my being here."