Point of Retreat

“She made it through surgery, but we aren’t close to being in the clear yet. She had a lot of bleeding. Some swelling. I did what I could without having to remove a portion of her parietal bone…now all we can do is watch and wait.”

My heart is pounding against my chest. It’s hard to pay attention when I have a million questions on the tip of my tongue. “What is it we’re waiting for? If she made it this far, what are the dangers?”

He leans against the wall next to me. We’re both staring at our feet, almost like he’s trying to avoid looking me in the eyes. I know he has to hate this part of his job. I hate this part of his job. That’s why I don’t look him in the eyes…I feel like maybe it takes the pressure off of him.

“We don’t exactly know the extent of the injuries. We won’t know until we can run scans, but for right now, we’re keeping her under anesthesia. Hopefully by morning we’ll have more of an idea of what we’re dealing with.”

“Can I see her?”

He sighs. “Not yet. She’s in recovery throughout the night. I’ll let you know as soon as they take her to ICU.” He stands up and puts his hands into the pockets of his lab coat. “Do you have any more questions, Will?”

I look him in the eyes. “A million,” I reply.

He takes my response as it was rhetorically intended and he walks away.

***

When I walk back into the room, Gavin is still sitting with Kel. Kel jumps up and rushes to me. “Is she okay?”

“She’s out of surgery,” I say. “But they still won’t know anything until tomorrow.”

“Know anything about what?” Kel asks.

I sit down and motion for Kel to sit down next to me. I pause for a moment so I can find the right words. I want to tell him in a way he’ll understand. “When she hit her head, she hurt her brain, Kel. Until they can do scans, they won’t know if there’s any damage, or how bad it is.”

Gavin stands up. “I’ll go tell Eddie. She’s been hysterical,” Gavin says.

When he leaves the room I soak in the moment. I feel like a weight should be lifted off of my shoulders after finally getting answers, but it doesn’t feel that way at all. It feels worse. I feel so much worse. I just want to see her.

“Will?” Kel says.

“Yeah?” I reply. I’m too tired to even look at him. I can’t even keep my eyes open.

“What’ll happen to me? If….she can’t take care of me? Where will I go?”

I manage to open my eyes and look at him. As soon as we make eye contact, he starts crying. I lean over and wrap my arms around him and put his head against my chest. “You aren’t going anywhere, Kel. We’re in this together. You and me.” I pull back and look him in the eyes. “I mean it. No matter what happens…”

Friday, January 27th, 2012

Kel,

I don’t know what’s about to happen in our lives. I wish I did. God, I wish I did.

I was lucky enough to be nineteen when I lost my parents; you were only nine. That’s a lot of growing up left to do for a little boy without a dad.

But whatever happens…whichever road we have to take when we leave this hospital...we’re taking it together.

I’ll do my best to help you finish growing up with the closest thing to a dad you can have. I’ll do my absolute best.

I don’t know what’s about to happen in our lives. I wish I did. God, I wish I did.

But whatever happens, I’ll love you. I can promise you that.

Chapter Fifteen

“Will.”

I try to open my eyes, but only one of them opens. I’m in the floor again. I close my eye before my entire head explodes.

“Will, wake up.”

I sit up and run my hands along the chairs next to me, pulling myself into one by the arm. I still can’t open my other eye. I shield the fluorescent lights with my hands and turn my head toward the voice.

“Will, I need you to listen to me.”

I finally recognize the voice as Sherry. “I’m listening,” I whisper. It feels like if I spoke in any louder of a tone, it would be too painful. My whole head hurts. I bring my hand to the bandage over my eye, then to my eye. It’s swollen. No wonder I can’t open it.

“I’m having the nurse bring you some medicine. You need to eat something. They aren’t keeping Kiersten so we’re going home soon. I’ll be back for Kel after I get her into the car. I’ll bring him back up here during the day, I just think he needs some rest. Is there anything you need from your house? Besides a change of clothes?”

I shake my head. It hurts less than actually speaking.

“Okay. Call me if you think of anything.”

“Sherry,” I say just as she exits. When I say her name, I realize nothing audible even comes out of my mouth. “Sherry!” I say louder. When I say it, I wince. Why does my head hurt so bad?

She comes back to the door.

“There’s a vase in my cabinet. Above the fridge. I need it.”

She acknowledges what I said with a nod and turns to leave again.

“Kel,” I say, shaking him awake. “I’m going to get something to drink. Do you want anything?”

He nods. “Coffee.”

He must not be a morning person…just like his sister. When I pass the nurses’ station, one of the nurse’s calls my name. I back step and she holds out her hand. “These will help your head,” she says. “Your mother said you needed them.”

I laugh. My mother. I pop the pills into my mouth and swallow them and head to find coffee. The double doors in the lobby open as I pass them, sending a swarm of cold air around me. I stop and look outside, then decide some fresh air might do me some good. I take seat on a bench under the awning. Everything’s so white. The snow is still falling. I wonder how bad our driveways will be by the time we get back home?

I don’t know how it happens; how the thought even creeps its way into my head…but for a second I wonder what would happen to everything in Lake’s house if she dies. She doesn’t have any family to finalize anything for her. To finalize her banks accounts, her bills, her insurance, her possessions. We aren’t related and Kel’s only eleven. Would they even let me do that for her? Would I even legally be allowed? Am I even legally allowed to keep Kel? As soon as the thoughts register in my mind, I force them back. It’s pointless thinking like this, because it isn’t going to happen. I get pissed at myself for letting my mind get carried away, so I head back inside to get the coffee.

***

When I return to the waiting room, Dr. Bradshaw is sitting with Kel. They don’t notice me right away. He's telling Kel a story. Kel's laughing, so I don't interrupt him. It's nice to hear Kel laugh. I stand outside the door and listen.

“Then when my mother told me to go get the box to bury the cat, I told her there was no need. I’d already brought him back to life,” Dr. Bradshaw says. “It was that moment, after I resuscitated that kitten, I knew I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up.”

“So you saved the kitten?” Kel asks him.

Dr. Bradshaw laughs. “No. He died again a few minutes later. But I had already made up my mind by then,” he says.

Kel laughs. “Well, at least you didn’t want to be a veterinarian.”

“No, clearly I’m not cut out for animals.”

“Any news?” I walk into the room and hand Kel his coffee. Dr. Bradshaw stands up.

“We’ve still got her under anesthesia. We were able to run some tests. I’m still waiting on the results, but you can see her for a few minutes.”

“Now? We can see her? Right now?” I’m gathering up my things as I reply.

“Will…I can’t let anyone else in,” he says. He looks down at Kel, then back at me. “She still hasn’t been moved from recovery yet…I’m not even supposed to let you in. But I’m doing some rounds and thought I’d let you walk with me.”

I look at Kel. I want to beg Dr. Bradshaw to let me take Kel with us, but I know he’s already doing me a huge favor. “Kel, if I’m not back before you leave with Sherry, I’ll call you.”

He nods. I expect him to argue about not getting to go with me, but I think he understands. The fact that he’s being so reasonable fills me with a sense of pride. I bend over and hug him and kiss him on top of the head. “I’ll call you. As soon as I hear anything, I’ll call you.” He nods again. I reach over and grab something from my satchel, then turn back toward the door.

I follow Dr. Bradshaw past the nurse’s station, through the doors and down the hall to the double doors that lead to the surgery area. Before we go any further, he takes me into a room where we both wash our hands. When we get to her door, I can barely catch my breath. I’m so nervous. My heart is about to explode through my chest.

“Will…you need to know a few things first. She’s on a ventilator to help her breathe, but only because we’ve got her in a medically-induced coma. There’s no chance of her waking up right now with the amount of medicine we’re giving her. Most of her head is bandaged. She looks worse than she feels…we’re keeping her comfortable. I’ll allow you a few minutes with her, but that’s all I can give you right now. Understand?”

I nod.

He pushes open the door and lets me in.

As soon as I see her, I struggle to breathe. It’s like all of the air is knocked from my lungs when the reality of the moment hits me. The ventilator sucks in a rush of air and releases it again. With each repetitive sound of the machine, it’s like my hope is being pushed out of me.

I walk to her bed and take her hand. It’s cold. I kiss her forehead. I kiss it a million times. I just want to lay down with her, hug her. There are too many wires and tubes and cords running everywhere. I pull the chair up next to the bed and interlock her fingers with mine. It's getting hard to see her through my tears, so I have to wipe my eyes on my shirt. She looks so peaceful…like she's just taking a nap.

“I love you, Lake,” I whisper. I kiss her hand.

“I love you,” I whisper again.

“I love you.”

The covers are pulled tightly around her and she's got a hospital gown on. Her head is wrapped in a bandage but most of her hair is hanging down around her neck. I'm relieved they didn't cut all of her hair. She'd be pissed. The ventilator tube is taped over her mouth, so all I can do is kiss her cheek. I know she can’t hear me, but I talk to her anyway.

“Lake, you have to pull through this. You have to.” I stroke her hand. “I can’t live without you.” I turn her hand over and kiss her palm, then press it against my cheek. The feel of her skin against mine is surreal. For a moment, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel it again. I close my eyes and I kiss her palm again and again. I sit there and cry and kiss the only parts of her I can over and over.

“Will,” Dr. Bradshaw says. “We need to go now.”

I stand up and kiss her on the forehead. I take a step back, then take a step forward again and kiss her hand. I take two steps back, then walk two steps toward her again and kiss her cheek.