Point of Retreat

Neither of them can look me in the eyes. "I know I said I'd let you stay here, but things are different now." I throw the icepack on the counter and walk toward the hallway. "I want you both gone. Now."

I shut my bedroom door behind me and collapse onto the bed. I can probably count the friends I have left on one hand. Actually, I can count them on one finger. I lay there for a while longer, wondering how I could have been so blind to his selfishness. I hear Reece walk to the spare bedroom, then the bathroom, packing up his things. I don't come back out of the bedroom until I'm positive they're both gone. When I hear his car pull away, I walk to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee. I guess I’ll have to start making my own coffee again.

This isn’t a very good start to the day. I reach into the cabinet and grab a star out of the vase and unfold it.

"I want to have friends that I can trust, who love me for the man I've become…not the man that I was." -The Avett Brothers.

As soon as I read it, I look over my shoulder…half expecting Julia to be there smiling. It's eerie sometimes how fitting these quotes have been to the situation. Almost like she's writing them as life is happening…

Thursday, January 26th, 2012.

I can only hope that the next entry I write into this journal after my performance tonight will be something like this:

Now that I have you back, I’m never letting you go. That’s a promise. I’m not letting you go again.

Chapter Eleven

Gavin walks through the front door right around seven o'clock. It's the first time he's walked in without knocking. It must be contagious.

He can tell I'm a nervous wreck as soon as he sees me. "They just left. We should let them get a head start," he says.

"Good idea," I say. I make another walk-through of the house, trying to find something to add to the satchel. I'm pretty sure I have it all. When we finally leave, I warn Gavin I'm not going to be much for conversation on the ride there. Luckily, he understands. He always understands. That's what best friends do, I guess.

During the drive, I recite everything I need to say over and over in my head. I've got the poem down. I already talked to the guys at Club N9NE…so everything is in place there. Unfortunately, I only get one shot with her…so I've got to make it count.

When we arrive, Gavin goes inside first. He texts me a minute later and ensures me the plan is in place. I walk inside with my satchel across my shoulder and wait on my cue from the entryway. I don’t want her to see me. If she sees me before it’s time, she’ll get angry and leave.

The seconds turn into minutes, and the minutes turn into eternity. I hate this. I’ve never been so nervous about performing before. I guess because when I normally perform, there’s nothing on the line. This performance tonight could very well determine my path in life. I take a deep breath and focus on my nerves when the emcee takes the microphone.

“We’ve got something special planned for open mic tonight. So without further ado…” he walks off the stage.

This is it. Now or never.

Everyone in the audience has their eyes glued to the stage so I go unnoticed as I walk along the wall to the right of the room and make my way to the front. Right before I walk onto the stage, I glance to the booth where they’re all sitting. Lake is right in the middle with nowhere to go. She’s looking down at her phone. She has no clue what’s about to hit her. I’ve already prepared myself for her reaction…she’s going to be pissed. I just need her to hear me out long enough to get through to her. She’s hard headed, but she’s also reasonable.

The spotlight dims and focuses on a stool on the stage, just as I had instructed the lighting tech to do. I don’t like the bright lights hindering my view of the audience, so I made sure they would all be turned off. I want to see Lake’s face the entire time. I need to be able to look her in the eyes, so she’ll know just how serious I am.

Before I take the stairs, I stretch my neck and arms out to ease the apprehension building up inside of me. I exhale a few breaths, then take the stage.

I walk to the stool and take a seat as I place my satchel on the floor. I take the microphone out of the stand and look straight at Lake, who finally looks up from her phone. As soon as she sees me, she frowns and shakes her head. She’s pissed. She says something to Caulder, who’s seated at the edge of the booth, and she points to the door. He shakes his head and doesn’t move. I watch as she fidgets her hands around beside her, looking for her purse. She can’t find it. She points to Kiersten who is seated on the other edge of the booth and Kiersten shakes her head, too. Lake looks at Gavin and Eddie, then at Kiersten again, then she realizes they’re all in on it. After accepting the fact that they aren’t going to let her out of the booth, she folds her arms across her chest and returns her focus back to the stage. Back to me.

“Are you finished trying to run away yet?” I say into the microphone. “Because I have a few things I’d like to say to you.”

The audience turns and searches for the person I’m speaking to. When Lake notices everyone staring at her, she buries her face in her hands.

I bring the audience's attention back to me. “I’m breaking the rules tonight,” I say. “I know that slams can’t involve props, but I’ve got a few I need to use. It’s an emergency.”

I bend down and pick the satchel up, then stand up and place it on the stool. I put the microphone back into the stand and position it at the right height.

“Lake? I know you told me you wanted me to think about everything you said the other night. I know it’s only been two days, but honestly, I didn’t even need two seconds. So instead of spending the last two days thinking about something I already know the answer to, I decided to do this instead. It’s not a traditional slam, but I have a feeling you aren't that picky. My piece tonight is called “Because of you.”

I exhale and smile at her before I begin.

"There are moments in every relationship that define when two people start to fall in love.

A first glance

A first smile

A first kiss

A first fall…"

(I remove the Darth Vader house shoes from my satchel and look down at them.)

"You were wearing these during one of those moments.

One of the moments I first started to fall in love with you.

The way you gave me butterflies that morning

had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else,

and everything to do with you.

I was falling in love with you that morning

because of you."

(I take the next item out of the satchel. When I pull it out and look up, she brings her hands to her mouth in shock.)

"This ugly little gnome

with his smug little grin…

He's the reason I had an excuse to invite you into my house.

Into my life.

You took a lot of aggression out on him over those next few months.

I would watch from my window as you would kick him over every time you walked by him.

Poor little guy.

You were so tenacious.

That feisty, aggressive, strong-willed side of you….

the side of you that refused to take crap from this concrete gnome?

The side of you that refused to take crap

from me?

I fell in love with that side of you

because of you."

(I set the gnome down on the stage and grab the c.d.)

"This is your favorite c.d.

‘Layken’s shit.’

Although now I know you intended for shit to be possessive,

rather than descriptive.

The banjo started playing through the speakers of your car

and I immediately recognized my favorite band.

Then when I realized it was your favorite band, too?

The fact that these same lyrics inspired both of us?

I fell in love with that about you.

That had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

I fell in love with that about you

because of you."

(I take a slip of paper out of the satchel and hold it up. When I look at her, I see Eddie slide her a napkin. I can’t tell from up here, but that can only mean she’s crying.)

"This is a receipt I kept.

Only because the item I purchased that night was on the verge of ridiculous.

Chocolate milk on the rocks? Who orders that?

You were different, and you didn’t care.

You were being you.

A piece of me fell in love with you at that moment,

because of you."

"This?" (I hold up another sheet of paper.)

"This I didn’t really like so much.

It’s the poem you wrote about me.

The one you titled 'mean?'

I don’t think I ever told you…

but you made a zero.

And then I kept it

to remind myself of all the things I never want to be to you."

(I pull her shirt from my bag. When I hold it into the light, I sigh into the microphone.)

"This is that ugly shirt you wear.

It doesn’t really have anything to do with why I fell in love with you.

I just saw it at your house and thought I’d steal it."

(I pull the second to last item out of my bag. Her purple hair clip. She told me once how much it meant to her, and why she always keeps it.)

"This purple hair clip?

It really is magic…just like your dad told you it was.

It’s magic because, no matter how many times it lets you down…you keep having hope in it.

You keep trusting it.

No matter how many times it fails you,

You never fail it.

Just like you never fail me.

I love that about you,

because of you."

(I set it back down and pull out a strip of paper and unfold it.)

"Your mother."

(I sigh)

"Your mother was an amazing woman, Lake.

I'm blessed that I got to know her,

And that she was a part of my life, too.

I came to love her as my own mom…just as she came to love Caulder and I as her own.

I didn’t love her because of you, Lake.

I loved her because of her.

So, thank you for sharing her with us.

She had more advice about

Life and love and happiness and heartache than anyone I've ever known.

But the best advice she ever gave me?

The best advice she ever gave us?"

(I read the quote in my hands)

"Sometimes two people have to fall apart, to realize how much they need to fall back together."

(She’s definitely crying now. I place the slip back inside the satchel and take a step closer to the edge of the stage as I hold her gaze.)

"The last item I have wouldn’t fit, because you’re actually sitting in it.

That booth.

You’re sitting in the exact same spot you sat in when you watched your first performance on this stage.

The way you watched this stage with passion in your eyes…I'll never forget that moment.

It's the moment I knew it was too late.

I was too far gone by then.

I was in love with you.

I was in love with you because of you.

(I back up and sit down on the stool behind me, still holding her stare.)

I could go on all night, Lake.

I could go on and on and on about all the reasons I'm in love with you.