Perfectly Imperfect

Kane explains to me, through my tears, that this scene is going to be toward the end of the movie. Everything they had shot before had led up to this moment. This mental break where she becomes impenetrable to the hate of others. The point Allison becomes free to soar and becomes stronger.

Alessandra is a brilliant young and up-and-coming actress, but shockingly, she nails the fears and insecurities flawlessly. Her acting is so convincing I’m moved to tears. It’s like seeing my own life—well, not exactly what Allison has gone through—being played out before me. I watch the same emotions I’ve felt in the past choking me strangle her, and then as the scene breaks, I watch in awe as she finally makes the climb to become strong.

“That was beautiful,” I whisper, not wanting to break the magic that is floating around the set after Alessandra walks off. We had been sitting here for so long that I actually felt like what I was watching was reality, even with all the cameras around us. It felt so real.

Kane doesn’t speak, so I finally tear my eyes away from the monitor I had been watching in rapt fascination and meet his penetrating gaze. I don’t say another word, but I can tell by how he’s watching me that he sees right through me. It’s as if he can see inside my mind and the bits of Allison that I carry around. Or did, until I was able to find the strength inside myself to reach my own breaking point.

His phone rings right when he opens his mouth to speak. Looking down at the display, he gives me a sigh. “I need to take this.”

“Of course. What can I do?”

“Just wait here?”

I nod, and he climbs to his feet before walking away slightly. But not before I hear him address his caller.

“Hey, Mia,” he says softly.

Mia. Mia Post. If rumors are to be believed, his pregnant girlfriend. I turn my eyes to where Kane is standing, his head bowed and free hand holding the back of his neck—he looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I need to trust that if whatever this is we’re doing has any—what did he say? Hope? Yeah, if exploring what’s between us is going to have the hope for more, then I have to trust that he’ll tell me what’s going on when he’s ready. Reluctantly, I stop watching Kane, giving him his privacy, and direct my attention toward the monitor that had just before played the most beautiful scene I had ever witnessed.

I want to believe him. He said he wouldn’t lie to me. I think back to our exchange earlier about the movie and his words to me.

She has to be able to show others the hope they need is within themselves and that you are stronger than fear tries to trick you into believing.

If I allow my fears to continue to rule me, I would take the safe route and ignore all caution. I know there’s more to his relationship with Mia Post than he’s told me, but I want to believe he’s right. A person can be stronger than fear tries to trick them into believing. My past makes me want to automatically take the safe, fear-free path—but I don’t want to be ruled by that anymore. I’m ready, fear be darned, to trust the unknown.

I look back over at him and sigh. It’s time to take that leap and be what he believes is something achievable. Finally shed the weakness old Willow wore as a cloak of protection and allow my determination to be stronger and to be all the armor I need to protect myself.

I’m choosing to take that seed of hope, the promise of something bigger, and grow with the knowledge that the future really is whatever I make of it.

Kane was pulled away the second his call with Mia ended. He looked at me with an apology clear in his expression before following one of the lighting techs toward the next filming location. They had been busy breaking down the equipment around me in order to move to another area within the school.

“How are you doing? Pretty exciting, huh?” Kirby asks, reaching down to fiddle with some of my hair. Her smile is cautious but animated enough that I know she’s having the time of her life.

“Insane is more like it. God, Kirb, the makeup job you did on Alessandra really made it look like she had been in a fight.”

I smile when Kirby actually blushes. “That was so much fun. It’s been a while since I was able to really get creative with makeup. It’s been the same stagnant palate for so long, I forgot how much I loved this.” She points and waves her finger around. “I know it sounds corny as hell, but I know I wouldn’t be here if it weren't for fate. How stupid does that sound?”

I nod, reaching over to wrap my arm around her shoulders. “Yeah, I think I know what you mean, Kirb.”

“I hate everything you went through in order for this opportunity to literally fall into my lap, but I can’t thank you enough, Willow.”

Letting my arm drop, I turn to Kirby. “What do you mean? I didn’t do anything.” I laugh.

Kirby smiles, this one much different from the one she had before. This one is more sly … as if she holds a secret I will never know. “Oh, Willow. You did it all, honey.”

“You’re being weird,” I jest.

“Do you really think Kane would have offered me a job had he not wanted to ensure a certain someone who captured his attention was able to come along? As I said—fate. He just happened to be in the right place during a crappy situation, but everything that followed opened it up so that … well, here we are.”

I laugh, finding her theory hilarious. “Be serious, Kirb. He probably knew exactly who you were before he went to Logan last week. Getting me here was nothing more than him making sure you weren’t overwhelmed.”

Her brow raises, “Yeah? If that’s the case, then why aren’t you in there,” she points in the direction of the trailers, “with me doing just that?”

My silence is enough for her. She knows I can’t answer that. Sure, that was the reason I was told I was needed, but we both know—especially after everything that’s happened since I got on set—she’s most likely right.

“Okay. I’ll admit, I think you’re right about the motivation.”

“Yeah, I know I am. The question is, what are you going to do about it?” Her voice is soft, questioning without being overbearing about it. She wants to know because she’s worried about me, not because she wants to gossip.

“Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing here, Kirb. I just know it’s time to let go of my fears and take a chance. Kane’s been very … blunt with his feelings so far.” Ha, blunt. That’s one way of putting it.