Perfectly Damaged

“Logan, I have no clue what you’re talking about. Just tell me what’s going on with you,” I beg.

“I’m falling for you. Hard. And it’s not some bullshit girl-next-door crush.” He stumbles back two steps. “I mean a real fucking hardcore, madly-sinking-for-you kind of fall. I don’t know.” He shakes his head, bewildered. No. He can’t be. I shake my head to tell him he’s not, but he nods. “Yes.”

“No. It’s just because we spend a lot of time together, Logan. You’re confused. Trust me, what you’re feeling—”

“Don’t tell me what I’m feeling!” His features distort into anger. He’s struggling with this and I’m just making it worse. I let him go on. “I know what I’m feeling. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time now. I just kept ignoring it. Do you think this is easy for me? To stand in front of you and pour out my feelings like some chick? I feel pathetic right now.” Logan bends his head, bringing a hand up to rub his forehead. “You’re the worst distraction I’ve ever had. You’re in all my thoughts, every single one. You have no idea how difficult it is to have something take over your mind like that. It’s confusing and suffocating at the same time.”

“You have no idea how much I know exactly what that’s like,” I say, my tone impassive.

Logan looks up. “Can you just do me a favor?” he asks.

I swallow back, staring at him, and then nod.

“Right now, right here—can you just be honest for once? I know I’m not the only one feeling this.” He waves a hand at the empty space between us. “If I’m wrong, then fine, but I know I’m not. I know this is mutual. I know you feel it too.”

I do feel it. I’ve felt it for a very long time now. For so long I just kept pushing it away, but I greedily kept Logan close. I want him for me, but I can’t give him all of me. I step forward, meeting him. He leans in closer too, our breath intermingling. I reach up, resting my hand along his jawline. I’m battling with this internal feeling, and as usual my mind wins over my heart. I shake my head and force sincerity into my tone. “I’m sorry, Logan. I do care for you but not in the same way.”

He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “Bullshit.”

My brows knit together. “Excuse me?”

He chuckles, his lips twitching into a firm, thin line. I pull my hand away. He shakes his head. “Fucking bullshit. You know what your problem is, Jenna? You’ve worked so hard building this wall to keep everyone out. But when there’s someone willing to tear down every brick because they want to be a part of your life, you freeze.

“You’re scared to let anyone in. Don’t push away the ones who care because in the end, there might be no one left, and you’ll have exactly what you always wanted—to be alone. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just let go. If you don’t, you’ll never experience what you could’ve had. Instead, you’ll wonder what if. And trust me, Jenna, when you’re stuck wondering what if, it’ll be too late for us.”

His words tackle me full force. They ignite a fury inside because they’re true. They’re all true and I hate him for it. “You don’t understand! There are things you don’t know about me.”

His arms swing in the air, frustration crashing between us. “Then tell me! Make me understand.”

“No! You’ll turn around and walk away. You’ll see me differently. You’ll—”

“Will you stop telling me how you think I’ll react and give me the benefit of the doubt? Fuck! If I haven’t proven myself to you in the last two months, then what have you learned about me at all?”

I swallow, not saying a word. How can I? What can I possibly say to change all of this?

“Do you realize what you’re doing right now?”

I shake my head.

“You’re treating me like one of your paintings. I’m human and I have feelings, Jenna. You can’t just stuff me into a fucking cardboard box in hopes that everything will be fine. I’m here, standing in front of you, asking you to give us a shot, asking you to tell me everything and trust in me. But you just keep pulling away and shoving me aside.”

Silence. Every word he speaks swims around in my head. Deeper. Further. Faster. Each word loud and clear. I’m speechless. My anxiety kicks up as fear creeps in. He’s going to walk away once I tell him.

“I have another side of me, a darker side. You wouldn’t understand,” I whisper, bowing my head in shame. Tears prickle the rims of my eyes.

He huffs out, arms slamming to his side. “Everyone has a dark side. Everyone has secrets. Everyone suffers from something. You think in the past couple of months I didn’t know you were keeping something from me? I know there’s something you struggle with, but I waited and I was patient for a long time. I’m not going to judge you. I’m not going to walk away. The moment you realize that I’m not going anywhere, no matter what happened in your past, the better it’ll be for us to just get over this hump.”

I laugh, sniffing back the tears, and look up. “That’s just the thing, Logan. It’s not a past issue.” I walk up to him, and our bodies almost touch. My head bends back so I can look him square in the eye. “My issue, my dark side, my problems…they’re present. They’re now. They are front and center.”

“I’m not going to give up on what we have over whatever you’re dealing with. We can take care of it together,” he says, his voice adamant.

“I know you’ll give up,” I disclose.

He shakes his head, frustrated and angry and completely fed up. “I’m tired of this. None of this makes sense to me. Stop this bouncing back and forth and just tell me. If you don’t tell me everything, and I mean everything that’s going on with you, the feelings you have for me—everything—I’ll walk. Right now. And as fucked-up as I’ll be over it, I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep playing these guessing games with you.”

“I won’t tell you…”

Logan laughs, his shoulders deflating. He looks me straight in the eyes, long and hard, and then turns on his boots, treading away.

“I’ll show you,” I yell out, my heart racing.

He stops, his back still facing me. I quickly go after him and walk around to stand before him, meeting his gaze. “Fine, Logan. I’ll give you everything you want to know. All of it. The way I feel for you. My issues. But I can’t just say it. It’s better if I show you.”