Perfecting Patience

I knew once I opened that front door, Zeke would be there and either he’d be really, really angry or really, really sad. I wasn’t looking forward to either. I wasn’t afraid of Zeke. I knew he’d never do anything to hurt me on purpose, but I couldn’t move past the fact that he had.

I was careful to open the front door quietly. I’m not sure why I felt like I needed to creep into my apartment, but I did. Once I was in the front door, I could hear the soft sounds of his guitar coming from the bedroom. He played differently than usual. The sound that floated from the back of my apartment was sad and gloomy.

I shut the door behind me and set my keys on the entrance table. The music continued. He was playing my song. Guns N’ Roses’s “Patience” filled the tiny apartment and seemed to spread a deep sadness throughout. I followed the soft depressing melody through the kitchen and down the short hallway to my bedroom.

The door was cracked and I was able to look in on him. He was sitting on the bed. His packed bags were on the floor by his feet. Caught up in the music he played, his eyes were closed. The skin around his eyes was puffy and red, letting me know he’d spent some time crying. I felt his pain in my stomach, but I pushed it away and locked away my emotions.

I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. He looked up at me when the hinges made a loud creaking sound. The music stopped and he set the guitar on the bed beside him. His eyes watered up when he looked up again, and then he was on his feet and standing in front of me. His face was stern as he reached up and ran a finger across my cheek. It didn’t hurt, but I felt his touch to my toes, so I jerked my head away. The crushed look on his face was difficult to look at.

“I did that.” His voice sounded rough. His eyes roamed over my bruises. “I’ve never hit a woman in my life and I swore I never would. I hurt you. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

He dropped to his knees in front of me. Looking up, a tear ran down his cheek. “No matter what happens, I hope you forgive me for hurting you. Please tell me you forgive me.”

I wanted to reach out and hold him close. I wanted him to stop crying. Seeing Zeke with tears on his cheeks and red eyes was unreal. He was so strong. He was so carefree and hard. I’d seen him drop a few tears before, but nothing like this. It made me sick to my stomach to see him hurting so badly, but I couldn’t give in. I refused to be one of those girls that just let it go when their boyfriend hit them. I had to let him know what he did was unacceptable.

“What you did is not okay. I forgive you, but I can’t be with you anymore.” The words burned my lips.

Nausea swept through me and I felt like falling to my knees in front of him. Nothing lasts forever, but I wanted forever with Zeke. I loved him more than I could put into words, and my heart was breaking, but I had to face the facts. The fact was until I was better, I couldn’t give myself to anyone. Not without lies and deceit on my part. I didn’t want to be a liar. I never wanted to be deceitful.

Zeke stood up and grabbed my hand. He shook his head in understanding. “I know. I can’t be with you anymore, either. I love you so much it hurts sometimes, but we’re lethal as a couple. We bring out the best and the worst in each other. It’s a double-edged sword. You built me up, and I hope I did the same for you, but now I feel like we’re tearing down what we built. We’re destroying each other. Before the destruction is too bad, I think we should just…” He couldn’t finish his sentence and honestly, I didn’t want him to.

“You broke my heart, snowflake.” He shook his head in disbelief.

There was no point in trying to fix the Phillip situation. He didn’t trust me. I had become untrustworthy.

“Well, you broke my face. I think we’re even.”

He reached up and ran a single finger down my cheek. I flinched when he touched the sorest part, and anguish filled his eyes. He didn’t wait much longer. Instead, he reached down, put his guitar back in its case, grabbed his bags, and then pulled his keys from his pocket.

“I guess this is good-bye.” He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.

How could something that was so right feel so wrong? Even though I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. I just stood there and stared back at him. He was waiting for my response, but he’d have to wait forever because no matter how badly I wanted to respond, I couldn’t.

He leaned in toward me. His warm breath eased the soreness in my cheek. His mouth was so close I felt his lips skim my skin when he spoke.

“I’ll love you until I don’t exist anymore, and even after I die, if there’s any good left in me, the love I have for you will continue on in my soul.”