Only Time Will Tell

My mother turned to me and tried to speak, but was overcome by her emotions. Old Jack came to our rescue, taking her gently by the arm and leading her away, while Sir Walter took Grace and Jessica under his wing. Not a day mothers or bridesmaids would want to recall for the rest of their lives.

Giles and I were the last to leave. He had entered the church as my best man, and now he left it wondering if he was my half-brother. Some people stand by you in your darkest hour, while others walk away; only a select few march towards you and become even closer friends.

Once we had bidden farewell to the Reverend Styler, who seemed unable to find the words to express how sorry he felt, Giles and I trudged wearily across the cobbled stones of the quad and back to our college. Not a word passed between us as we climbed the wooden staircase to my rooms and sank into old leather chairs and young maudlin silence.

We sat alone as day turned slowly into night. Sparse conversation that had no sequence, no meaning, no logic. When the first long shadows appeared, those heralds of darkness that so often loosen the tongue, Giles asked me a question I hadn't thought about for years.

'Do you remember the first time you and Deakins visited the Manor House?'

'How could I forget? It was your twelfth birthday, and your father refused to shake hands with me.'

'Have you ever wondered why?'

'I think we found out the reason today,' I said, trying not to sound too insensitive.

'No, we didn't,' said Giles quietly. 'What we found out today was the possibility that Emma might be your half-sister. I now realize the reason my father kept his affair with your mother secret for so many years was because he was far more worried you might find out you were his son.'

'I don't understand the difference,' I said, staring at him.

'Then it's important for you to recall the only question my father asked on that occasion.'

'He asked when my birthday was.'

'That's right, and when he discovered you were a few weeks older than me, he left the room without another word. And later, when we had to leave to go back to school, he didn't come out of his study to say goodbye, even though it was my birthday. It wasn't until today that I realized the significance of his actions.'

'How can that minor incident still be of any significance after all these years?' I asked.

'Because that was the moment my father realized you might be his first born, and that when he dies it could be you, not me, who inherits the family title, the business, and all his worldly goods.'

'But surely your father can leave his possessions to whomever he pleases, and that certainly wouldn't be me.'

'I wish it was that simple,' said Giles, 'but as my grandpa so regularly reminds me, his father, Sir Joshua Barrington, was knighted by Queen Victoria in 1877 for services to the shipping industry. In his will, he stated that all his titles, deeds and possessions were to be left to the first-born surviving son, in perpetuity.'

'But I have no interest in claiming what clearly is not mine,' I said, trying to reassure him.

'I'm sure you don't,' said Giles, 'but you may have no choice in the matter, because in the fullness of time, the law will require you to take your place as head of the Barrington family.'

Giles left me just after midnight to drive to Gloucestershire. He promised to find out if Emma was willing to see me, as we'd parted without even saying goodbye, and said he would return to Oxford the moment he had any news.

I didn't sleep that night. So many thoughts were racing through my mind, and for a moment, just a moment, I even contemplated suicide. But I didn't need Old Jack to remind me that that was the coward's way out.

I didn't leave my rooms for the next three days. I didn't respond to gentle knocks on the door. I didn't answer the telephone when it rang. I didn't open the letters that were pushed under the door. It may have been inconsiderate of me not to respond to those who had only kindness in their hearts, but sometimes an abundance of sympathy can be more overwhelming than solitude.

Giles returned to Oxford on the fourth day. He didn't need to speak for me to realize his news wasn't going to give me succour. It turned out to be far worse than I had even anticipated. Emma and her mother had left for Mulgelrie Castle, where we had meant to be spending our honeymoon, with no relations to be allowed within ten miles. Mrs Barrington had instructed her solicitors to begin divorce proceedings, but they were unable to serve any papers on her husband as no one had seen him since he'd crept unnoticed out of the vestry. Lord Harvey and Old Jack had both resigned from the board of Barrington's, but out of respect for Sir Walter neither had made their reasons for doing so public - not that that would stop the rumour-mongers having a field day. My mother had left Eddie's Nightclub and taken a job as a waitress in the dining room of the Grand Hotel.

'What about Emma?' I said. 'Did you ask her ...'

'I didn't have a chance to speak to her,' said Giles. 'They'd left for Scotland before I arrived. But she'd left a letter for you on the hall table.' I could feel my heart beating faster as he handed me an envelope bearing her familiar handwriting. 'If you feel like a little supper later, I'll be in my rooms.'

'Thank you,' I said, inadequately.

I sat in my chair by the window overlooking Cobb's quad, not wanting to open a letter that I knew wouldn't offer me a glimmer of hope. I finally tore open the envelope and extracted three pages written in Emma's neat hand. Even then, it was some time before I could read her words.

The Manor House

Chew Valley

Gloucestershire

July 29th, 1939

My Darling Harry,

It's the middle of the night, and I am sitting in my bedroom writing to the only man I will ever love.

Deep hatred for my father, whom I can never forgive, has been replaced by a sudden calm, so I must write these words before bitter recrimination returns to remind me of just how much that treacherous man has denied us both.

I only wish we'd been allowed to part as lovers, and not as strangers in a crowded room, the fates having decided we should never say the words 'until death do us part', although I am certain I will go to my grave only having loved one man.

I will never be satisfied with just the memory of your love, for while there is the slightest hope that Arthur Clifton was your father, be assured, my darling, that I will remain constant.

Mama is convinced that given enough time, the memory of you, like the evening sun, will fade, and then finally disappear, before heralding a new dawn. Does she not recall telling me on the day of my wedding that our love for each other was so pure, so simple and so rare, that it would unquestionably withstand the test of time, which Mama confessed she could only envy, as she had never experienced such happiness.

But until I can be your wife, my darling, I am resolved that we must remain apart, unless, and until such time, it can be shown that we can be legally bound. No other man can hope to take your place and, if necessary, I will remain single, rather than settle for some counterfeit.

I wonder if the day will dawn when I do not reach out, expecting to find you by my side, and if it will ever be possible to fall asleep without whispering your name.

I would happily sacrifice the rest of my life to spend another year like the one we have just shared together, and no law made by God or man can change that. I still pray that the day will come when we can be joined together in the sight of that same God and those same men, but until then, my darling, I will always be your loving wife in all but name,