One More Chance

There was no extra room in Grant’s condo. I had thought about moving the dresser in the bedroom out into the living room and putting the baby’s crib there. But we didn’t even have a crib yet. I had no idea what our plans were. “I’m not sure yet. We’ll have to make room in the bedroom for the crib.”

As much as I didn’t want to think about the worst case, I had to plan for it. I couldn’t leave Grant without any preparation. I knew Maryann was ready to step up and take the baby if she had to. I was secure knowing that if Grant couldn’t handle it or didn’t want that sole responsibility, Maryann was prepared. But I wanted Grant to keep our baby. I wanted our baby to chant “Dada” over and over again and raise its little arms at the sight of Grant. I just couldn’t be sure that was what would happen, especially not right away.

If he needed to grieve.

“Your thoughts just went downhill. It’s all over your face. What did I say?” Blaire was so observant. I needed to be careful. I didn’t want her thinking I was preparing to die. I didn’t want anyone to think that, because I intended to live. I just wasn’t living in a fairy tale, and I knew that it was possible I wasn’t strong enough.

“I’m sorry. Sometimes I overplan in my head. I like to be prepared for everything,” I explained, and forced a smile I didn’t feel.

Grant

Rush came back outside, with Nate in his arms and a bowl of something. Nate spotted me and clapped. “Yeah, that’s your gullible uncle Grant who keeps picking up the shit you drop.”

“He’s gonna end up cursing around Blaire, and you’re gonna be sleeping on the couch for a week. Maybe she’ll stick your ass under the stairs. I hear payback is a bitch,” I told him, referring to how Blaire had slept in a room under Rush’s stairs when she first came to town.

He rolled his eyes, sat down, and put Nate on his knee. “If he says one of those words, we’ll blame it on Uncle Grant, won’t we, buddy? Point your finger that way, and save Daddy’s ass,” Rush said with a smirk.

“What’s in the bowl?” I asked as he held a spoonful up to Nate’s mouth. He turned his head away. Smart kid. It looked nasty.

“Oatmeal. He hates it,” Rush said, trying to get Nate to take a mouthful.

“If he hates it, and I would hate it, too, why are you feeding it to him?” I asked.

Rush lifted his eyes to me. “Because Blaire said to. You don’t question the mommy. Ever.”

Good to know.

“So you heard the heartbeat,” Rush said, putting the oatmeal down in a sign of defeat.

“Yeah. We did. And . . . well, it felt real finally. Like there was something there. A life. It wasn’t just Harlow—there was another heartbeat inside of her. A heartbeat we created. I just . . . is it wrong that I felt attached to it? That I wanted to protect it? I can’t lose Harlow. I can’t. So I shouldn’t feel this way, right?”

Rush looked down at Nate and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “You’re asking a man who has a kid. A man who would throw himself in front of a bullet, a truck, you f**king name it—I would do whatever I had to for this boy. He’s mine. I can’t ever consider not wanting him. But again, Blaire’s life was never threatened. We didn’t have that kind of decision to make. But no, I don’t think it’s wrong that you felt something when you heard the heartbeat. I cried like a damn baby when I saw the first ultrasound of Nate. It’s an emotional thing. It’s normal. Don’t beat yourself up for loving something you created with the woman you love. Especially if she adores it.”

I heard him, and he made sense, but I was still tormented by the idea that this life I was growing attached to could take Harlow’s life away. She was my number one. “If I lose her, it’s my fault. I did this. I wasn’t careful, and now she’s pregnant,” I said. He had heard me say this before, but it was haunting me, and I needed to say it. I couldn’t say it to her. And having Kiro tell me this exact same thing only confirmed it. I did this.

“You didn’t know she had health problems. She was scared to tell you, and I understand that, but I also know that you can’t blame yourself for something you didn’t know.”

I had always been careful. Never sleeping with anyone without protection. I’d never considered going without a wrapper, but Harlow had gotten under my skin, and I was so damn crazy about her that I lost all rational thought. My lust for her made me make bad decisions. But did my not knowing about her heart actually change anything? No. It was still the same outcome. I did this.

Last night, Harlow had lain in my arms, and I’d watched her eyes study the room. Finally, she had said we would need to move the dresser into the living room to fit the baby’s crib. I hadn’t responded. I hadn’t known how. I liked the idea of bringing the baby home and Harlow rocking it, holding it, and putting it to bed. But I was afraid to live in that world. Because if that wasn’t the outcome, I needed to be prepared to take on Harlow’s role, too.

She kissed me good-bye this morning when I left for work, then she rolled over and went back to sleep. Seeing her get some rest eased my worries a little.

But I hadn’t told her the truth about where I was going.

I wasn’t working; I was house hunting. If Harlow could live by sheer force of will, I decided I was going to give her the world to fight for. Starting with a house and a bedroom she could decorate for our baby. We could paint it together and pick out the furniture, although I was going to go along with anything she said. Unless, of course, it was a boy and she tried to put girlie shit in his room.