On the Plus Side

He was starting to sweat. Even his hands were starting to sweat in mine. He cleared his throat and pulled at his collar.

Then suddenly I knew what he was doing. He was breaking up with me. Right before I was about to tell him that we were having a baby, he was telling me he wanted nothing more to do with me. I could feel it. His next words were going to kill me and I was going to have to drive home with a part of Devin tucked safely inside me.

Years from now, when I would look into my daughter’s eyes, I’d see him, and it would kill me, but I wouldn’t let it break me. I had more than just myself to think about now, and if it was the last thing I did, I’d protect my baby, even if it meant staying strong and not breaking down over our break-up until after she was born.

I sat quietly and tried to cover the worry that I hoped wasn’t showing on my face.

“God, this is so much harder than I thought it’d be.” He started to breathe heavier. He knew his words were going to crush me.

I knew it, too.

“Devin, you can tell me anything. No matter what it is, I’ll understand. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it. I love you, Devin, and I…”

He cut me off by holding his hand up for me to stop before I could finish.

“You’re going to hate me when I say this. Promise you won’t hate me, I just want to be honest with you.”

He wanted to be honest.., that meant there was another woman involved. I had to remember to be strong once he broke it off. I could take it.

“I could never hate you, Devin,” I whispered.

This was it, the end of us. He was about to break up with me.

“Do you remember the first day we met?” he asked.            

“Of course, I remember.”

I definitely did, I counted it as one of the best days of my life.

“Well, it wasn’t by coincidence that I came in your store that day. Your mom told me to go in your store. She told me where you worked and where you hung out. She made it easy for me to get you to go out with me.”

“I don’t understand,” I said, confusion written all over my face “What does my mother have to do with this? You’ve only met her a handful of times.”

“I met your mom before I met you. I met her at the bank one day. I was making a complete fool out of myself begging the bank to give Dad more time to make a payment on the house. We were fixing to lose everything, Lilly, everything that we worked so hard for. We owed the bank eight thousand dollars and we were fixin’ to lose it all. We didn’t have that kind of money,” he pleaded.

“I still don’t understand what any of this has to do with my mother,” I said.

Inside I already knew. Instead, I sat there quietly praying that he wasn’t about to say the words that would shatter me completely.

“The bank turned me down. They told me there was nothing I could do except pay the balance owed. I went crazy and punched the bank manager. I was arrested, but I wasn’t there long before your mom bailed me out. I had no idea who the hell she was. I’d seen her at the bank before I showed my ass, but I was still shocked when I stepped outside the jailhouse to see her standing there waiting for me and well…” He stopped.

“Well?” I asked.

I needed to hear him say it. I needed to hear him tell me that my mother bought him for me. I had to hear it!

“She made me a proposition that I couldn’t refuse.”

OK so maybe I didn’t need to hear it. Maybe hearing it would rip my heart out, slam it to the floor, and spit all over it.

“How much?” I asked.

I didn’t want him to finish after all. I could feel the bile rising in my throat. The room suddenly started to spin. I leaned my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes, hoping it would slow the spinning.

“How much did she pay you to sleep with me?” I asked calmly.

“It wasn’t like that, Lilly. I fell…”

“I said how much?” I yelled loudly. “What was the going price for my virginity?”

“I wasn’t supposed to touch you. It was strictly forbidden, but I couldn’t stop myself with you. You make me so weak.” He grabbed the tops of my arms as if willing me to understand.

“Oh, but let me guess, I’m just so beautiful and sexy!” I threw his words back at him. I felt disgusted that I’d let him see me naked.

Just knowing that the entire time he was probably turned off by me made me sick to my stomach. My mom didn’t have to tie a porkchop around my neck to get the dog to play with me; she just had to pay the son of a bitch!