On the Plus Side

Before I realized what was happening he pushed me up against the opposite wall of the hallway. I felt his hot hands against my outer thighs as he roughly pushed my skirt up. I heard the jingling of his belt and the sound of his zipper. He lifted my leg up and around his hip and tugged my panties to the side. He looked back up at me and the look in his eyes was raw… dangerous with need.

I gripped at his shoulders and prepared myself for the shot of pain that was supposed to come with your first time.

I felt hot hardness against my inner thigh and his breath against my ear when he leaned forward. He gripped my ass with one hand and lifted my leg more with the other as he pressed against me. Then as quickly as it started, everything stopped.

He let go of my leg and he moved away from me. I let it slowly dropped to the ground while he reached down and pulled my skirt to cover me back up. Finally, he looked me in the face and the wild passion was gone. Instead of the feral man he was just seconds before, he looked like a scared, unadulterated little boy that had just woken up from a horrible nightmare.

“I’m so sorry, Lilly. I don’t know what came over me,” he shook his head.

“It’s OK. I don’t want you to stop,” I breathed.

“No,” he snapped. “This can’t happen.”

He looked away from me and put his clothes back together. The jingle of his belt and his zipper sounded again, reminding me of what almost just happened.

“Did I do something wrong?” I asked.

I still felt like my knees were going to give out on me.

“I can’t let that happen. We can’t have sex.”

It took a minute for his words to register. This continues to happen—me throwing myself at him and him wanting me, and then suddenly pushing me away. I was getting blue balls and I didn’t even have balls! I felt like every girl part I owned was about to pop if something, anything, didn’t get released soon.

What man in his right mind turns down a ready and willing woman? I mean seriously!

Then a thought crossed my mind.

“Oh God, Devin. Do you have something? Like an STD or something?”

“What? No! Why the hell would you even ask me that?”

“I just assumed since you keep saying we can’t have sex that there must be a really important reason.”

“No, that’s not it. I can have sex, “he jabbed himself in the chest. “Just not with you.”

The way he said it made me think of all the high school boys who used to talk about me. He sounded like he was completely disgusted by me. I felt like I’d been punched in the face. All this time I was throwing myself at him and he was disgusted by me. That should’ve been my first thought. Duh, Lilly! Men want beach bodies, not beached whales!

Oh he was a sexual creature who wanted sex alright—just not from me. Me. The fat girl. Me. Lilly. He didn’t want me.

I pushed him away and started down the hallway. I felt tears sting my eyes, but there was no way in Hell I was going to cry. I hadn’t cried in years, there was no way I would let him make me cry. I cursed myself for even allowing my eyes to water that little bit.

I heard him call out my name, but I kept walking. I passed through the crowd of party-goers in the living room and I heard his friend, Matt, call out my name as I went out the front door. The cool air rushed over me and cooled my hot, embarrassed skin.

“Hey, sexy girl,” Matt said with a slur. “Did ass-face leave you stranded? Wanna ride me? I mean…do you want me to give you a ride?” He said on purpose with a smirk.

“Yes, please take me home.”

I didn’t care that he was being a big drunk pervert. I didn’t care that he was drunk at all. It was stupid on my part, but I needed to get the hell away from the party and Devin as fast as possible.

I don’t really remember the drive home. I was completely heartbroken and drunk. When I got home Shannon was on the couch with Erin and Gabby.

“Are you drunk?” Shannon shot off of the couch and followed me to my room. “Lil, what’s wrong? Did that bastard do something to hurt you?”

“No, I’m fine!” I called out before slamming the door in her face.

I wasn’t trying to be mean and I know she’d forgive me tomorrow, but I just wanted to go in my room, wash my face, and go to sleep. I never, ever, wanted to see Devin again!

Thirty minutes later, after I was settled in bed with night clothes on, I heard a tap on my door. I knew it was Shannon and the girls trying to be nosey.

“Not now, y’all!” I called back. “I just wanna go to sleep. We can talk about what’s bothering me tomorrow. Goodnight!”