On the Fence
Page 40I rolled onto my side, hugging my pillow to my chest. “He told me.”
“Ouch.”
“No. It’s not like that. I don’t like Braden. Well, okay, I was crushing on him for a while, but we’re friends. We can’t like each other like that. It was more embarrassing than hurtful,” I said, remembering the humiliation that night by the fence.
“Does he like another girl?”
“No. Well, actually, yes. One I introduced him to.”
“What does she have that you don’t?”
I gave a single laugh. “Femininity.”
She threw a wadded-up sock at me. “Who wants that?”
“Apparently guys.”
Susie laughed. “So I hear.” She rolled onto her back. “If he doesn’t want you for you, then he’s not worth it.”
Hadn’t Braden said those exact same words to me when referring to Evan? I laughed. “Susie. You’re not hearing me. I don’t want Braden . . . anymore. Our friendship is more important to me.” But did we even have that anymore? My heart sank with the thought that maybe I had ruined that. Or he did.
“So then you’re going to try with Evan?”
“I don’t know. He’s fine. He just knows the other me, not the real me.”
She raised one eyebrow. “Other you?”
“We have all night.”
I filled her in on my side job and why I had to get it. On how I met Evan, and Braden’s reaction to him.
“Wait, so if Braden hates his guts and Evan really is a nice guy, don’t you think that means Braden is jealous?”
“No, Braden thinks I’m being fake around Evan.”
“And you are?”
“Sometimes.”
“But why would Braden care so much unless he cared? You know what I mean?”
“He cares. Just not like that.” I rearranged my pillow and adjusted my position. “I’m just glad I’m here. I needed a break from both of them.”
“Breaks are good. Maybe the time away will help clarify things.”
That’s exactly what I hoped for. “You got the light?” I asked.
“You’re closer.”
“Am not.”
She picked up a stuffed basketball next to her and threw it across the room at the light panel, plunging us into darkness. “Nice shot,” I said.
Susie snored. I knew this because I could not sleep. She needed one of those machines with the straps. I’d have to tell Braden.
It was only eleven, but I should’ve been exhausted. My brain wouldn’t shut off. I told Susie that I hoped this week would help me clarify things, but I realized I wasn’t trying to clarify anything. I was trying to shut everything out. That was why I was working so hard. Physical exertion made me forget; the adrenaline, the high of the competition helped me block out everything else.
What I really needed right now was to sit by the fence and talk about my problems with Braden. I wanted to hear the timbre of his voice as he responded to me. He had a very soothing voice. And he always knew just what to say . . . except he seemed to be saying all the wrong things lately and making me mad. Nobody could make me as mad as he could. It was probably because he knew me so well that he knew what bothered me the most.
I could picture his face perfectly—hazel eyes, floppy auburn hair, a very light dusting of freckles. The way his cheeks turned red when he worked too hard. Like that night he ran behind me for five miles when we were fighting, just so I wouldn’t run alone. His cheeks had been so red that night.
I moved to my side and readjusted my blankets. I closed my eyes, but all I could see was his face with his lopsided smile. That was my favorite. It was like he was amused but didn’t want to admit it. He gave me that look a lot. Like the time he beat me in one-on-one basketball. I liked that he didn’t let me win, but I was so mad that he won. He found that so amusing.
I wasn’t amused right now. Right now I was still hurt that Braden didn’t think Evan could like me for me. Why did I care what Braden thought anyway? It didn’t matter. My brothers seemed to think Evan was nice. That was enough.
Only it wasn’t.
Why wasn’t it?
I growled and moved onto my back, staring at the shadows on the ceiling, hoping they could tell me the answer to that question. The only thing I saw on the ceiling was Braden’s face.
My heart gave a jolt and I sat up. Crap.
I knew why I cared. Why this mattered so much. Why his opinion was the only thing that mattered.
I was more than just crushing on him. I loved Braden.
Chapter 30
I pushed my fists to my eyes and willed the sting to go away. How did I not know that I loved Braden? I mean, I knew I was reacting to him differently. But I hadn’t realized just how deep the feelings went. How long had I loved him? That’s why it hurt so badly out at the fence when he told me he didn’t like me—because I’d wanted him to. Badly. I had just thought I was humiliated, but I was disappointed. If my mom were still alive, would I call her about something like this? Would we have been close? I heard people say all the time that they hated their moms. I wondered if I would’ve taken her for granted if I’d had her all this time. I certainly couldn’t call my dad. He’d have no idea what to say. He’d probably tell me not to ruin my friendship with Braden by talking about it. He’d be right. This was an impossible situation. I needed Braden in my life. I couldn’t lose him by telling him I loved him.
My phone chimed and my heart jumped. I looked at the message. It was from Gage. I tried not to be too disappointed as I read it.
If you meet a guy named Fredrick, tell him he still owes me two dollars. Miss you.
I texted back: You want me to tell Fredrick he owes you two dollars and that you miss him?
Ha ha.
I smiled. Miss you too. I stared at my phone, waited for him to say more. He didn’t. It was maddeningly silent for two minutes. Finally, I typed: Have you been hanging out with Braden?
Yeah.
And?
And what?
My brother was so dense sometimes. I just wanted to know if Braden was okay. But now that I’d admitted to myself that I was in love with him, it felt like everyone would see that. Maybe everyone had seen it. Did everyone but me know I was in love with Braden?