Off the Record

“Yeah, just friends.” Liz hoped it would sink in.

“But seriously, you’re not uptight or anything! I mean I really like you!” she said, tossing her arms around Liz again.

“Well, thanks,” Liz said. She patted her back softly and then pulled away.

“I’m so glad that you’re here with him. He’s so much fun when you’re around. It’s not all about work this, the paper that.” Jamie gestured right and left and rolled her eyes. “He needs a good distraction.”

Liz really liked Jamie, but she couldn’t have this conversation. It was like Jamie had already convinced herself Liz and Hayden were good together. No matter what she said, she wasn’t going to be able to persuade his sister otherwise either.

“Maybe we should head back,” Liz suggested.

Jamie glanced down at her phone and nodded. “I think James is here!”

They walked out of the bathroom and Jamie immediately launched herself at her boyfriend. They disappeared on the dance floor a second later, leaving Hayden and Liz alone once more.

“You want another drink?” he asked with a cute smirk on his face.

Liz nodded and followed him to the bar. He ordered them both another round of drinks. As they waited, he moved her back against the bar and squared her in with his body. One of his hands brushed her messy waves off to one shoulder and the other slung across the back of the bar.

“Did I tell you how amazing you look tonight?” he murmured, leaning forward to speak directly into her ear.

A shiver crept down her back at his nearness. She shook her head.

“You look amazing,” he repeated.

“Thank you,” she said softly, not even sure whether he could hear it over the music.

The bartender passed drinks to Hayden, who handed Liz hers. “Come on. Let’s dance some more.”

They spent the rest of the evening trapped in a mass of dancers at the bar. Topher and Phillip left with Anne and Abigail later. They stopped by long enough to say good-bye and smile smugly, as if they knew Liz hadn’t believed they would score. Jamie started feeling sick shortly after that. James apologized to them for her. Hayden closed his tab and then helped James haul her out of the bar. Hayden left her with James to flag down a cab. A few minutes later one showed up that would take them back to the apartment.

“Hayden, you’re not coming with?” Jamie asked, looking like she might throw up any second.

“We’ll be back soon,” he said with a smile as he tucked her into the car. Jamie lay back against James just as Hayden shut the door.

“We’re not going back?” Liz asked, furrowing her brow.

“I wanted to show you something. Hope that’s okay,” he said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and directing her to walk in the opposite direction of his apartment.

A few minutes later, they stood in front of the Reflecting Pool once more. Her feet were sore from walking the few blocks to their destination in heels, but it was a pretty sight. Everything was all lit up, and it was late enough that no one else was around.

Hayden pulled her toward the brightly lit Lincoln Memorial. She trekked up the stairs in her heels until she stood right in front of Lincoln’s enormous statue.

“I told you I’d get you your view,” he said. She could sense him inching closer to her.

“It’s beautiful, Hayden.” She continued to stare at the memorial.

“Lizzie,” he whispered.

She turned then at the way he said her name. He had never called her Lizzie before. She kind of liked the way it sounded coming out of his mouth. Hayden Lane, who was always completely controlled, was struggling for just an ounce of control around her. When had the world completely flipped upside down?

His hand came up and stroked along her jaw. He stared down into her big blue eyes and then his mouth found her lips softly, as if he was testing the water.

Liz stood very still. Her head was spinning as she felt her body betray her by reacting to his kiss. Tingles blossomed in her chest and awakened that old feeling she had kept hidden inside her for two years. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was Hayden. He wasn’t supposed to be interested in her like that. And now…he was.

“Hayden,” she whispered, pulling back. “I thought you said that we couldn’t because of the newspaper.”

“I changed my mind,” he said.

“Hayden, I…” She trailed off as he kissed her once more.

“Shhhh,” he urged, “just kiss me.”

His hands were holding her face softly, and then when he kissed her again his hesitation was gone. He kissed her as if he had wanted to do it for a long time. He kissed her as if he would never get enough of her. He prodded her mouth open with his tongue and volleyed with her. When he dragged his teeth along her bottom lip, she took a swift breath. His lips were soft and warm and so entirely foreign. Her hands were gripping his shirt and, almost without thinking, drawing him in closer.

Butterflies fluttered in her stomach as the sexual tension between them contracted and then cracked wide open.

Hayden sighed and kissed her lips once more. He moved her arms up around his neck and grabbed her around the waist, holding her in place against him.

“Liz,” Hayden murmured.

“Mmm-hmm?”

“I should have done this a long time ago.”

Liz laughed lightly.

“Not kissing you last semester when I had a chance was a huge mistake,” Hayden said against her lips. “I’m not one to repeat mistakes.”

Chapter 26

KEEPING SECRETS

Guilt washed over Liz as fast as a cyclone cutting through a town.

She let Hayden guide her down the steps and to the street, where he hailed a cab. The whole walk she was in a daze. Part of her knew that she had enjoyed the kiss. She had even on some level wanted Hayden to kiss her. And that thought only made her feel worse. She had appreciated her time with Hayden—the openness, his interest in her career, all of the introductions. It was the complete opposite of Brady, and it gave her a headache, because what she really wanted was Brady to give her all of the things that Hayden had given her this weekend. But just because Brady wasn’t giving her those things didn’t mean that she should have taken them from Hayden.

The cab ride to Hayden’s place was quiet but comfortable. When they made it back, up the flight of stairs, and inside the apartment, Liz quickly retreated to the bedroom to change. She just needed a minute to breathe before saying good night. She didn’t know if she trusted herself to be alone with him much longer. She placed her hands down softly on the bed, closed her eyes, and tried to get the image of Hayden’s lips out of her mind.

Hayden appeared a minute later in the open doorway and knocked twice softly. “Hey.”

Liz turned to face him, her moment broken.

“Hey,” Liz said. He was in more comfortable clothes and his muscular chest stretched the thin cotton shirt. She looked away, not meaning to stare. She took a seat on the bed and stifled a yawn.

“I had a great time tonight.”

“Me too.”

Hayden walked across the room and took the seat next to her. Liz sat very still, not wanting to encourage him. It had been different when they had been on this bed in the middle of the day and she hadn’t thought anything would happen with Hayden. But now, with the feel of his lips still fresh in her mind, she couldn’t help tensing at his nearness.

“I’m glad you came this weekend,” Hayden said.

He reached forward, stroked her hair back behind her ear, and stared into her blue eyes. Liz swallowed when he didn’t move his hand from her face. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something more, but Liz averted her gaze and he dropped his hand.

She looked down at her hands where they lightly gripped the bedspread. No matter what she felt for Hayden, she couldn’t let this continue when she had Brady on her mind. She couldn’t hear his sweet words that would convince her otherwise. She couldn’t taste his lips and allow her mind to get all muddled with the feel of him.

Hayden cleared his throat and stood. “Well, I’ll let you get some sleep.”

He reached forward and grasped her hand lightly in his. Her gaze rose to his automatically, and he stared into her eyes deeply as he placed a soft kiss on her hand. Her heartbeat picked up without warning and her lips parted as the intensity of his affection hit her.

“Good night, Liz,” he said, running his thumb across her knuckles.

“Good…good night,” she whispered.

He smiled down at her once before departing, and Liz released the breath she had been holding.

She liked Hayden. She had liked him for a long time. But she had thought that with Brady consuming her thoughts, her old affections for him wouldn’t resurface so easily. And now that she had these feelings bubbling up inside of her, she was torn. She wanted Brady to give her all the things Hayden had given her here in D.C. No matter what Liz felt about this weekend, she knew that it had opened her eyes to what she was missing with Brady.

The drive back to Chapel Hill felt twice as long as the drive to D.C. Alone in her car, Liz had too much time to think, and her conflicted heart weighed on her. She was having a hard time discerning all of the emotions crashing against her like waves. Half of the drive she felt as if she were drowning.

She didn’t know what she felt for Hayden. She knew she felt something, but what had once been so clear was all blurry.

And on top of everything, laced into every breath, she felt guilt. She felt it take root in her body the longer she drove.

Did I cheat? she wondered, the word tasting like bile in her mouth.

She didn’t know what to do. Brady loved her. He wouldn’t tell her and they couldn’t be public, but he loved her nonetheless. Not to mention he had made his feelings about another guy being near her perfectly clear.

Still, it had felt nice, even right sometimes, to be with Hayden—being out in public, hanging out, laughing, walking around—the list was endless. Those things felt perfectly right in a way that she had never felt with Brady.

Liz pulled up to her house a couple hours later. She was just happy to be home, and maybe here she could figure out what was warring inside her.

Made it safe, she jotted off a text to Hayden.

The response was nearly instantaneous.

Good. Thanks for coming up this weekend. Can’t wait to see you again when school starts.

Liz grumbled under her breath and tossed the phone back into her purse. A couple months ago she would have been jumping up and down for Hayden to respond so enthusiastically toward her, but now…

Well, now she was trying to figure out what to do about Brady Maxwell.

Victoria was lounging on the couch when Liz walked inside. She flipped over onto her stomach and propped her head on her hands.

“Hey, bitch! How was your trip? Did you have sex with your Hayden Lane?” she asked all at once.

“Nice to see you, too,” Liz said, tossing her bag on the floor and collapsing into a chair. “And no, I didn’t have sex with Hayden. I’m not you.”

“Ugh!” Victoria grumbled, flipping back over. “You’re no fun!”

Liz sighed. She wished she could tell Victoria everything that had happened all summer. She didn’t particularly like keeping things from her friend to begin with, but this was huge. This was like the Eiffel Tower of secrets…well, as far as secrets went for Liz.

Brady had taken over her life. He had changed her, and Liz was pretty certain that it was for the better. Their relationship was founded on hiding and secrets, yet at its core, she found only truth. And still it wasn’t enough.

With Hayden, she had the exact opposite. They were completely free to be open, he told all of his friends about her, and he seemed completely attentive. But he wasn’t Brady, and she couldn’t ever tell him about Brady.

Her eyes were suddenly cloudy with tears, because she knew then that in her heart what she really wanted was Brady. It had to be Brady. And yet…he couldn’t give her what she needed.