Nuts

I spilled it after dinner, after Aunt Cheryl was sawing logs in the guest room, and my mother and I sat on the front porch. That front porch was seeing some action this summer, between the floor sex and the storytelling. My mother partook of a bowl of Colorado’s finest leaf, while I stuck with an iced coffee.

I kept the spill light and disclosed no real substance, admitting only to seeing Leo occasionally, casually. A few juicy nuggets easily distracted her, and with only the slightest nudging, I was able to turn her focus away from me and my love life, and on to how her trip had been.

Officially she couldn’t tell me whether they had won, but based on the fact that she was home early, and an artfully timed wink when I said, “Oh, for fuck’s sake, just tell me, you lost, right?” I put two and two together.

And as easy as it was to distract her with something shiny (talking about herself), she could be distracted even more by something shiny and rose petal filled (her love life).

My mother had met no less than three men on her trip. First there was Hank, an auto parts salesman from Akron, Ohio, traveling with his son for the show. An early favorite, he and Mom had shared one night of drunken kissing in San Francisco’s Chinatown after the Welcome to Amazing Race cast party. His son and Aunt Cheryl had intervened, explaining to each in turn that getting involved with the competition was a recipe for disaster. When my mother caught Hank with his hands down the pants of another competitor (Sabrina, a yoga instructor from Tallahassee), she agreed, and off Hank went into the discard pile.

Next up was Pierre, a French expat who’d been the instructor on a South Seas pearl diving expedition. After trying to free dive after only ten minutes of training and zero breath support, my mother had been hauled up out of the water and onto Pierre’s lap, whereupon she was resuscitated by the smitten Frenchman. She actually came around several moments before she publicly came around, so as to enjoy a little more mouth-to-mouth. My mother and Pierre enjoyed a night of oceanic skinny dipping, where she urged him to try to set a new world record for holding his breath underwater while otherwise occupied . . .

I nearly had to get the scotch to listen to that story.

And finally, there was Wayne Tuesday. Yep, his actual name.

Wayne was a cameraman for the production company that owned The Amazing Race, and his unit had been assigned to my mother and Aunt Cheryl. Late one night on the island of Tahiti, after a limbo contest that my mother won, the two of them sneaked away from the rest of the crew and shared a frozen pineapple daiquiri. Was it the pineapple? Was it the limbo? Was it the bendy? (Pretty sure it was the bendy.) Who knows, but she was quite taken with Wayne.

Now, typically when a reality show contestant gets involved with a member of the crew (they frown on that), one of two things happens. The contestant is removed, or the crew member hits the bricks. Wayne and my mother were able to hide their budding romance from everyone until the final location in Rome, where they were caught playing a spirited game of hide the salami. He was fired, and a few weeks later, my mother and Aunt Cheryl had been eliminated.

For the record, this was how hard it was for my mother to keep a secret. Did she ever tell me, “Hey, I didn’t win the Amazing Race”? No, but she circumvented the rules, quite handily in her mind, by using words like eliminated. No one, and I mean no one, who knew Trudy Callahan longer than an hour told her a secret.

But as she recounted story after story of her adventures, I was caught up in the excitement, the silliness, her carefree come-what-may attitude. I was enjoying her company, I laughed at her tales, and I sympathetically patted her shoulder when she told me of the perils of getting sunburned down there after a stint at a nude beach.

And so we sat, watching the fireflies dance lazily through the backyard, chatting about this and that and everything. I was convinced she’d forgotten about the text when she suddenly said, “Leo Maxwell is exactly the kind of man I can see you with. See this through, Roxie.”

I was so taken aback that I remained on the porch, sitting stone straight, thinking about what she’d said long after she went inside.

Chapter 22

The next morning, my mom told me that Wayne Tuesday was arriving today; he was driving up from DC to spend the week with her. Aunt Cheryl had left for home early the next morning, telling my mother to never, ever call her again for any kind of reality show. Or any traveling of any kind.

My mother was pleased as punch that I’d be staying around for a bit, but it was going to make for close quarters around the house. I was used to my her having her boyfriends over, but it’d been years since I’d actually had to see it. I shuddered as I pressed down on a burger patty, thinking about what I might have to endure once Wayne arrived.

Mom and I had driven into work together today. She was eager to see the books and see how things had run while she’d been away. I was anxious, now that she was back and settled in, to see how what I’d done would be received.

Though it shouldn’t have mattered. I was leaving . . . right?

Perhaps? Perhaps not? If Chad Bowman were in my head right now, he’d have done a cartwheel. I was entertaining the idea of . . . staying? It seemed so.

I pondered this as I cooked up some cheesesteaks and got ready to throw a new kielbasa on the griddle. The butcher shop I’d gotten the pastrami from had a new line of German sausages, and I’d been steadily working my way through them. The kielbasa was fantastic, perfectly spiced and a little squeaky with good fat here and there. I was mentally working on a recipe with grilled onions and a splash of apple cider vinegar when I heard Maxine call out that I had a visitor.