Nothing Left to Lose

As he dove off the first step and into the water, I sighed dreamily. This place, his touch, the thought of his hands on my body and his mouth on mine, all of it was so overwhelming that it almost felt like a dream. After Jack had died, I never thought I would be happy again, but Ashton just seemed to be able to make everything better with one of his little smiles.

I stood and walked to the edge of the terrace, leaning on the wooden railings. The water was about five feet below, kind of like a second diving board at a pool. As Ashton resurfaced and shielded his eyes from the sun, looking towards the beach, I smiled and raised my foot to the bottom railing. Leaning over slightly, I looked towards the beach but couldn’t see anything at all. Our villa, as Kyle had suggested it would be, was totally cut off from everyone and private.

“Is it deep?” I called.

He looked down and then disappeared beneath the water before few seconds before he broke the surface and whipped his head back, flicking the water from his hair. My stomach fluttered, and a little moan of appreciation slipped from my lips. “It’s probably about ten feet,” he shrugged, looking unsure. I smiled excitedly. Ten feet was adequate. As I raised my bare foot and started climbing up the railings, Ashton gasped. “No, Anna! What the hell?”

As I got to the top railing, I held my hands out for balance and shook my head at his overprotectiveness. “Chill, Pretty Boy.” After taking a deep breath, I linked my arms over my head and dived off the side. As the warm water touched my skin, I closed my eyes at the sheer luxury of it. It was perfect, like diving into a warm bathtub. Kicking my legs, I swam a little way underwater before breaking the surface, rubbing a hand over my face. As I opened my eyes I couldn’t help but laugh at the stern and disapproving expression that was plastered on Ashton’s face.

“Don’t do that again. Jesus, Anna, what if you’d cracked your head or something? I was only guessing at how deep it was,” he scolded, scowling at me.

I bit my lip and nodded, trying to appear appropriately abashed as I swam over to him slowly. It was time to set the rules. I didn’t want any body guarding crap on this vacation. Ashton needed to loosen up and have fun too. “Ashton, seriously, I can dive off the railing. Come on, lighten up. We’re on vacation, just the two of us, privacy, views of the ocean, room service. Please relax and have a good time,” I begged. As I spoke, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. It’s time to start the fun right now! As I thought about what was about to happen, my whole body was thrumming in need.

His face softened the closer he got to me. “I still need to do my job,” he protested.

I nodded slowly, wondering how on earth to seduce him without flat out begging like last time we went away together. “Mmm hmm, your body guarding job,” I whispered.

He gulped noisily. “Yeah. So don’t make it hard for me.”

In one swift movement, I wrapped my legs around his waist, clamping myself to him. I could already feel his excitement pressing against me. Too late, he’s already hard! I giggled excitedly. I could barely wait any longer, but I just wanted to have a little fun with him first. Tightening my legs around him and trusting that he’d keep us both afloat, I moved my hands behind my back, quickly untying the knots of my bikini top. Once it was unfastened, I pulled it off, lifting it out of the water and showing him it before tossing it in the direction of the terrace, not even caring if it made it. He groaned and his eyes immediately dropped downwards as his eyebrows furrowed.

I smiled wickedly. “And what if I want to make it hard for you?” I flirted. While he was distracted, I shoved my hands down, getting to work on the knots at my hips, tugging quickly.

“Well, I guess life is supposed to be a little hard,” he muttered breathlessly.

A little hard, jeez, it feels like he’s smuggling an iron bar to me! I giggled at the thought and tugged the bikini bottoms free, again lifting them out of the water to make sure he saw them before tossing them to the terrace. A pained expression flitted across his features. I couldn’t stop the smug smile that stretched across my face.

“A little hard?” I inquired, raising an eyebrow suggestively as I looped my arms around his neck again.

His fingers bit into my back as his eyes came back to meet mine. “Maybe a lot hard,” he growled, crashing his lips to mine.

My whole body immediately felt alive as the passion woke inside me. I pulled back quickly though, breaking the kiss. There was something I wanted him to do before this happened. I quickly unwrapped myself from him and swam away a couple of feet, smiling teasingly. He was begging me with his eyes to go back to him and finish what I’d clearly instigated, but I knew he would never utter the words.

“Oh, don’t give me the puppy dog eyes,” I said, laughing as I almost gave in. I nodded towards the terrace before my will crumbled. “I want to see you dive. You need to loosen up too.”

He groaned and looked back at the terrace where I’d dived from. Wordlessly, he turned and swam to the steps, climbing and walking to the railing, his eyes not leaving me as he raised his foot.

I shook my head quickly. “Lose the shorts. You won’t need those,” I called, winking at him playfully.

As he pulled his shorts off, letting them drop the ground in a soggy pile, I bit my lip as he exposed all of his perfection. My insides fluttered as he climbed to the top of the railing, standing there in all of his n**ed glory. My heart raced as I watched how the sun reflected off his wet body and how his hair glistened in the sunshine, like it was covered in a thousand little diamonds.

When he smiled down at me, my whole body seemed to tingle as it suddenly dawned on me. I wasn’t just crazy about him; I was totally, utterly, and devastatingly in love with him. I didn’t think I’d actually loved anything or anyone more, maybe not even Jack. I loved Jack so much, I still did, and he would always have a piece of my heart, but impossibly, I’d fallen in love with Ashton so hard that it actually hurt. It was like he was my everything, my sun, my air, my whole life rolled up into one six foot package. Time seemed to stand still, and it felt as if my whole life had been building up to this moment here with him, as if the sole purpose for me being on this earth was to love this boy. Ashton completed me, and I’d only just realised.

He dove off the railing, disappearing into the ocean, and I came back to reality with a bump. My eyes widened as panic started to build inside me. How had I let this happen? What was I supposed to do with this knowledge now? Maybe I’d always been in love with him, but I was too afraid or stupid to admit it. I was in some serious trouble because he didn’t love me. Yes, he lusted after me and we were friends, but someone like him would never be content with someone as broken as me. He deserved far better and far more than I would ever be able to give him. I would never be good enough for Ashton Taylor.

A whimper escaped my lips as I looked back at the stairs. I contemplated running, just climbing out of the water and running as fast and as far as I could. The feelings inside me were crushing me, squeezing my heart and making my skin prickle with fear. Since Jack, I hadn’t allowed myself to care about anything for fear of being hurt again, but somehow, Ashton had broken down my barriers and had set up camp in my heart without me even being aware what he was doing. The boy had totally stolen my heart without my permission.

Before I could even get a grip on the thoughts that were circling around my head, hands gripped my thighs and he broke the surface of the water just in front of me. When he smiled and wiped the water from his eyes, my heart thumped in my chest and I no longer wanted to run. In fact, what I actually wanted was to be closer to him, so close that I melted into him.

Knowing I couldn’t let on how I felt, I decided to act casual and pretend that this whole devastating realisation hadn’t just happened, that my world hadn’t just shifted, that my heart didn’t belong to him and him alone. If he knew the crushing feelings I had for him, it would probably terrify him to the very core just like it did me. Ashton Taylor was not the commitment type of guy.

Forcing a smile, I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Well, I liked your form,” I joked, noticing how my voice sounded strained and not like mine at all.

His answering smile dazzled me. “I’m glad I impressed you.”

“You always impress me.” That was the truth. Giving in to the passion that was consuming me, I gripped the back of his head. “Kiss me then.” Not giving him the chance to answer or turn me down, I pulled his mouth to mine. He kissed me back so softly that it made me want to cry. It was beautiful. His touch was soft and gentle as his hands wandered down my body, pulling me closer to him and guiding my legs around his waist. My hands twisted into his wet hair as I kissed him with everything that I had inside me, showing him that I loved him without actually saying the words.

My stomach fluttered as I clamped myself to him, revelling in the feeling of his skin against mine. I needed him. I needed more than this kiss. I needed to be completely at one with him, consumed by him, and possessed by him. My whole body ached with a desperate longing that I’d never felt for anyone else.

I broke the kiss and put my forehead to his. “Make love to me, Ashton,” I begged.

His lips parted as he looked at me curiously for a few seconds before pressing his lips to mine softly again for a split second. “I can’t. I don’t have any condoms,” he whispered. He actually looked a little annoyed with himself as he said it.

I sighed and tightened my grip on him. I didn’t even care. If I got pregnant, I would love his babies just as much as I loved him. “I don’t care. Make love to me, please? I need you to.” I looked into his beautiful green eyes, and my insides did a little flip. His eyes were easily my favourite part of his body – and that was saying something because his body was flawless, so his eyes were nothing short of spectacular. I could look into them forever and it still wouldn’t be long enough.

A smile twitched at the corners of his mouth before he kissed me again, nibbling on my bottom lip gently. As the kiss deepened, I realised that every touch and every kiss was different now. I silently wondered if it was because I knew now what ‘making love’ truly was. Was that why being in his arms like this, surrounded by beautiful paradise as far as the eye could see, felt so intimate and amazing? Every touch of his hands was like he was touching my heart and soul; my whole being was aching for him.