Nothing Left to Lose

“You don’t need to thank me, it’s my job,” he replied sarcastically. I cringed at the tone of his voice; he was obviously annoyed that I’d suggested I’d get him fired. I felt like a first class bitch. He hadn’t done anything wrong at all – it was my fault that I cheated on Jack, not his.

He put the car into drive and he didn’t speak to me again. In fact, he didn’t even glance in my direction, but I couldn’t help stealing little glances at him from the corner of my eye as he drove. He looked so handsome in his blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up at the elbows; blue worked really nicely with his skin tone. I bit my lip and ripped my eyes away from him to watch the road, hating that I’d noticed.

We finally pulled up at the house after what seemed like a week of driving in an uncomfortable silence. I grabbed the door handle, but the ominous click of the lock told me I wasn’t going anywhere until he’d said his piece. If anyone else had trapped me in a car with them, I would be totally freaking out, but deep down I knew he wouldn’t physically hurt me. Mentally he would probably hurt me a lot when I agonised over what we’d done and how he’d somehow made me open myself up to him.

“Open the doors,” I instructed, focusing my gaze on the house, wishing I could get inside and away from him.

“I just need to say something first, and I need you to look at me so you know I’m serious,” he replied flatly.

I didn’t want to look at him; I hated to see that hurt expression on his handsome face. I knew I had to do it though; he obviously wasn’t going to let me go until I’d been reprimanded for sneaking off without guards. I willed myself to stay strong and turned to look at him, avoiding his eyes and looking at the spot just below his eyes instead.

“I know you were upset, but you will not leave without me again. If you don’t take me, you take someone else, but you do not go out on your own again. Do you understand me, Miss Spencer?” he asked angrily.

I recoiled at the use of my name. Somehow, him using my title like that showed me how angry he was with me. I should have been glad. If I’d annoyed anyone else as much as I appeared to have annoyed him, I would think that a successful morning, but with Ashton it actually pained me to know that he was upset with me. Irrational anger was building in the pit of my stomach because I couldn’t seem to treat him the way I treated everyone else.

“Is that understood?” His voice was hard and authoritative as he prompted me for an answer.

“Yes. Now open the door,” I snapped.

His gaze held mine for another couple of seconds before he flicked the lock button, dismissing me. I frowned and pushed the door open, ignoring Dean watching me from the other car. I turned on my heel and ran into the house, needing to get away from everything and everyone. My thoughts turned to the gym. I didn’t even bother changing into my workout clothes before heading in there to try and work out some of the frustration that was crushing me inside.

Needing to do more than run today, I put on the training gloves and went straight to work on the punch bag, hitting and kicking it until my fingers arched. Spent and exhausted, I stepped back, putting my hands on my knees as I caught my breath. Sweat trickled down my back, and I silently wished I’d stopped to get a bottle of water before coming in here.

“I wouldn’t want to be on the other end of that anger.”

I twisted on the spot, gasping because I hadn’t heard anyone come in. Ashton was leaning casually against the wall, watching me. “What the hell do you want?” I asked, frowning. Why can’t he just leave me alone?

“Want to go for that walk now?” he offered, raising one eyebrow.

Is he kidding me? I told him to stay away from me! “No thanks. Want to train me how to fight?” I countered, shrugging.

He sighed and nodded, kicking off his shoes and walking over to the mats. He pulled his shirt over his head and a wave of desire shot straight through my body. I bit back my moan of desire as memories of this morning flooded my brain. I kicked off my shoes and socks and followed him, pulling off the gloves and tossing them in the corner.

His eyes were cautious as he shifted his weight onto his back leg. “Same as yesterday then, I’ll try to grab you and you fight me off, okay?”

I nodded in agreement, taking a deep breath and waiting for him to move. Anger was bubbling through me, I used it to help me focus. He came forward, so I punched him in the stomach, but he saw me move so he jumped back again to avoid it, my hand barely grazing his skin.

He came forward again, and this time I channelled all my hate and hurt into it. I punched him in the chest and slapped his hand away as he tried to grab me, bringing my leg to kick him in the thigh, but he blocked it with his arm, pushing my leg away, making me lose my balance. I regained control quickly and hit him a couple of more times, each one he blocked easily.

I got even angrier because fighting him made me feel so vulnerable. How am I supposed to hurt Carter if I can’t even land one hit? As soon as I thought about him, Carter’s smiling face swam in front of my eyes. Something seemed to snap inside me. I really went for it, punching and kicking at him, but he blocked me easily. I pretended to punch him in the stomach but quickly moved and elbowed him in the face. As he grunted in surprise, I took my opportunity and put my leg behind his, shoving him as hard as I could.

He fell backwards, grabbing me tightly and pulling me down with him. As soon as he hit the floor, he hooked his legs over mine and flipped me easily onto my back, pinning me to the mat with his weight.

“Calm down, Anna,” he said soothingly. I couldn’t calm down; I could barely breathe through my anger. I wanted to kill him; I wanted to rip his head off. I wanted to tear him apart. I thrashed, trying to get him off me, but he was just too heavy and strong. “Calm down, Anna,” he repeated. I closed my eyes and willed myself to calm, but all I could see was Carter. I didn’t realise I was crying until he wiped my tears away tenderly. “Shh, it’s okay, Baby Girl,” he whispered, sitting up and pulling me onto his lap, rocking me gently. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed onto his shoulder. “You did great, Anna. That was really impressive, you definitely kicked ass,” he said, rubbing my back.

When I was finally in control of my emotions, I sniffed loudly and pulled back to look at him. His eyes were sparkling with excitement as they locked onto mine. A flash of red caught my eye so I looked down at his mouth, seeing that his lip was bleeding a little.

I gasped, reaching out to touch it hesitantly. “Holy shit, Ashton. I’m so sorry,” I mumbled weakly.

He shook his head dismissively. “It’s fine. It was worth it to see you fight like that. You fight like an alley cat on speed,” he replied, grinning at me proudly.

I burst out laughing at his randomness. “An alley cat on speed? Where the heck did that come from?” I pulled my T-shirt up and dabbed his bottom lip with it to stop it from bleeding. My face was inches from his and I could feel the desire building inside me. I pulled my T-shirt away from his mouth. The bleeding had stopped, but there was a small cut there. Wanting to somehow take the pain away, I bent my head and kissed it gently. He made a moaning sound in his throat that made my insides quiver as he kissed me back immediately. His arm tightened on me, holding me securely on his lap as his other hand tangled into my hair.

The way he kissed me made my whole body tingle; it was so passionate, yet so soft and tender at the same time. It was perfect.

His mouth left mine only to kiss my neck instead. Digging my fingers into his shoulders, I pressed myself to him, loving the heat that emanated from his skin. My heart was flying as the sensations were taking over. Something was pulling at the edges of my subconscious, a thought or feeling, but I was trying my best to ignore it and just enjoy his attention and the feel of his mouth on my skin. But something was most definitely telling me that this was wrong and that I shouldn’t be doing this... Jack.

I gasped, jerking back out of his lap, pushing myself awkwardly to my feet as I shook my head, horrified with myself once again. I needed to leave, I needed to get away, this couldn’t keep happening.

“Anna?”

I shook my head, turning on my heel to leave, but he jumped up and blocked my path to the door, holding up his hands in protest.

“No! Tell me what’s wrong. Let me in, please? I swear I won’t hurt you! I swear.” He was giving me the puppy dog face, begging me with his eyes.

“I can’t,” I answered, shaking my head as my eyes overflowed with tears. “I’m sorry. I’m still in love with Jack, and I can’t do this.”

He stepped forward, catching my face between his hands, tilting my head up so I had to meet his eyes. “I know you still love him, and that’s okay, but if you could let me in, maybe, in time, I could make you love me too.”

I tried not to react to his pleading tone. I knew that if I let him in like he asked then he would break my heart; there was no doubt in my mind about that. And I just couldn’t stand any more heartbreak. His mouth inched towards mine again, so I pulled my face out of his hands and gulped, trying to find the right words.

“Look, Ashton, you’re really hot, and that’s all there is to it. I just wanted your body, I don’t want you. I don’t want anyone apart from my Jack,” I replied confidently, maybe even a little harshly.

His forehead creased with a frown. “Your Jack died, Anna. You can’t have him.”

I gasped at his insensitivity. “Don’t you dare talk about him again! I’m serious. And if you ever touch me more than necessary for your job, Agent Taylor, I will have you transferred, and it won’t be to the stupid front line either!” I spat.

“Bitchy doesn’t suit your beauty, Anna,” he said simply, looking hurt.

My anger started to deteriorate instantly but I fought to hold on to it. I couldn’t keep letting this guy change the way I lived my life; I was doing fine before he came along. “Stop being such a nice guy all the time! You’re making my life hard, Ashton. I can’t cope with any more, please, please just stop this. This isn’t a game for me,” I begged weakly, dropping my eyes to the floor.