Nothing Left to Lose
Page 18Just as I was finishing up my coffee, two familiar figures caught my eye through the window.
Oh God, it can’t be! Jack!
My eyes widened at the sight of his blond, unruly hair and straight nose as he sauntered across the mall in his loose fit jeans and GAP T-shirt. I jerked in my seat, confused. My heart stopped and then took off in a sprint.
But as one side of his mouth pulled up into a smile, my happiness and hope that maybe the last three years had been a dream faded, and I came back to reality with a huge, painful bump. My heart broke with loss all over again as I realised that it wasn’t my Jack after all, it was his younger brother, Michael.
Accompanying Michael was his mother, Pam… and now that they’d seen me, it appeared that they were heading straight for me. Pam smiled warmly, but my eyes just flicked back to Michael again. My whole body seemed to go cold. I hadn’t seen him for over a year, and I had forgotten how much he looked like his brother. He wasn’t built the same as Jack and was maybe an inch taller, but facially they could have been twins. And he was the age now that Jack had been when he’d died.
My hands started to shake uncontrollably, making my cup rattle against the little plate that it sat on. A little whimper left my lips because usually I had time to prepare for seeing them, usually it was on my terms and I had some warning. I’d never just run into them like this and I wasn’t sure I could deal with it.
Ashton stood quickly, gripping my upper arm and hoisting me out of my seat, pushing me against the wall that was behind me. His body tensed as he span on the spot, pressing his back against my chest and shielding me with his body, like he had that first night he came into my room when I was screaming.
“What is it?” he asked fiercely, reaching into his jacket pocket, probably holding his gun or his knife.
I whimpered and pressed my face into his shoulder, closing my eyes. I couldn’t speak. I could barely even breathe properly. Grief was overwhelming me, seeming to all come back at once so that I was drowning in it. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and shout and wail, but nothing was coming out. There was no escape for my sadness as it just built inside me, crushing me, filling me up.
I was dimly aware of Ashton’s cell phone ringing and him answering it in short, terse sentences. When he turned back to me and cupped my face in his hands, I looked up into his green eyes and felt my chin tremble. I couldn’t cope with it. The grief was fresh and raw again, like it had only just happened, like I’d only just lost Jack and watched him die.
“Breathe,” Ashton whispered. “Anna, just breathe for me. Everything is going to be fine. I know you’re panicking, but listen to my voice. Nothing will hurt you.” My breathing continued to come out in small pants as I dug my fingers into his sides, completely lost in grief and guilt. “Can you hear your heart beating?” he asked as he brushed my hair over my shoulder. “If you can hear your heart, then count the beats and just try to breathe so you can calm down. I won’t let anything hurt you.”
I looked back to Ashton, swallowing my sadness. What I hated the most was the fact that I was upsetting Pam by being upset. She’d been through enough already – losing her son because of me. I needed to get a grip of myself. Doing as Ashton said, I tried to focus on my heartbeats that were drumming in my ears as he smiled and nodded in encouragement. Slowly, my breathing returned to normal as I fought my way through the emotional storm that was trying to drown me.
“I’ll ask them to leave,” he suggested, pulling away from me when my breathing was stable and I could no longer hear my heart hammering in my ears.
I gulped and shook my head. “No, don’t,” I croaked, standing up straighter.
His eyebrows knitted together as he nodded and pulled back, setting his hand on the small of my back. I forced a smile as I turned to face the mother of the boy that I got killed, and his brother, who had inherited every single feature that I loved about my boyfriend.
“Hi,” I greeted awkwardly.
Pam sniffed and smiled back, stepping closer to me. “Oh, Anna. I’m sorry we upset you,” she said kindly, wiping her own tears away. “How are you? We’ve missed you.”
I nodded. “I’ve missed you guys too.” That wasn’t the truth though. I didn’t allow myself to think about them much because it brought back too many memories. It was easier for me to blank them out altogether and not ever let myself think about them or how welcome they always made me feel.
“Can I get a hug?” she asked hopefully.
I gritted my teeth so tightly that it made my jaw ache, but nodded in agreement, letting her envelop me in a hug that was so familiar that it was like I was ten years old again and I’d just gone to her with a scraped knee.
When she broke the embrace, Michael stepped forward, holding his arms open for a hug too. A small whimper escaped my lips as I smiled through my heartbreak. When his arms wrapped around me, I closed my eyes and hugged him just that bit too tight and for that bit too long. Part of me didn’t ever want to let go.
Tears welled in my eyes because even his voice was similar to his brother’s. He looked so much like Jack that I could barely stand to look at him, yet at the same time, I couldn’t look away. My grief was threatening to crush me. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could look at him without either throwing myself at him and begging him to hold me, or sobbing until I couldn’t breathe.
Pam set her hand on my arm. “Anna, did you get my text? We’d love to have you over for dinner or something before you go back to school. We miss you at the house,” she cooed, squeezing my arm gently.
I swallowed a couple of times, scrambling to come up with an answer to that. “Um… I’m not sure if I’m going to get time. We’re leaving in a couple of days, and there’s a lot to do before college.” I turned and motioned to Ashton. “This is Ashton. Ashton, this is Pamela and Michael Roberts,” I introduced weakly, praying that no one noticed that my hands were shaking.
Ashton shook hands with them both and exchanged pleasantries when suddenly his cell phone rang again in his pocket. “Sorry. Excuse me,” he apologised, turning to answer it. He turned back a few seconds later. “I’m really sorry, Anna, but we have to get going. There are some things I need to pick up on our way back to the house,” he instructed.
I’d never been more grateful for a phone call in my life. I couldn’t hold myself together much longer. I was struggling to keep the panic and horror from seeping into my voice as I talked to them. Soon I would break down, and I didn’t want Pam to have to witness it.
After exchanging goodbyes and promising that I’d try to make time to visit them before going to school the following week, I let Ashton lead me along and out of the emergency exit of the mall.
I gulped in the fresh air greedily as the tears finally made their appearance. Ashton’s face was a mask of worry and sympathy as he gripped my hand and tugged me across the parking lot towards where we’d parked.
By the time we were almost at the car, I couldn’t walk any further and my legs gave out on me. I slumped down to the floor, sobbing against the asphalt. Ashton’s arms slipped under me, lifting me and carrying me the rest of the way. He climbed in the car, still holding me against his chest as he set me in his lap.
Feeling needy and almost desperate for comfort, I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed on his shoulder until I was almost sick. The whole time he just stroked my back and rocked me gently.
After about ten minutes, my tears had dried up so all I was left with was the hitched breathing and the blocked nose. I swiped angrily at my face, wiping the last of my tears. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my voice hoarse from all the crying.
I pushed his hand away. “We’d better get going if we have some stuff to pick up,” I said quietly, my voice still hitching from the last spasms of my sobs.
“We don’t have anything to pick up; I just said that so we could leave. You looked like you didn’t have much longer in you, and we made it just in time,” he explained, grimacing.
“Well, who called you?” I asked, confused.
“No one. I used the self-ringer,” he replied, smiling grimly.
Oh God, he did that to get me out of there before I broke down in front of everyone? I wrapped my arms around his neck again and hugged him gratefully. “Thank you,” I whispered. It meant a lot to me that he would do that; I would have hated myself if I’d broken down in front of Jack’s mom like I had in front of Ashton. He smelled so good that I didn’t want to let go yet, so I buried my face into the side of his neck and closed my eyes, enjoying being close to someone for the first time in over three years.
“It’s my job to take care of you, isn’t it?” he replied softly, hugging me back.
“Yeah, for as long as you’re here,” I croaked. Now he’d seen the real me, the crying, weak and hysterical girl, he’d be requesting that transfer any day now.
He sighed, tightening his arms on my waist. “Anna, I won’t leave you like the others, I promise. Even after my assignment’s done, I’ll still be there if you need me.”
“Yeah, okay,” I replied sarcastically. Everybody left eventually; I’d just hardened myself so that it didn’t matter anymore.
I lifted my head off his shoulder so I could look at him, but I didn’t move from his lap. I just sat there, soaking up the comfort and support that he provided, loving being close to someone again and having something else to think about, other than the gaping hole that was where my heart used to be. He smiled, and I just looked into his beautiful, green eyes. They were like an emerald green colour, flecked with both a lighter green and a hazel brown. They were easily the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life. I dragged my gaze over his face, taking in every perfect inch of it – the line of his jaw, and the curve of his lip. His breath was blowing across my face and the hair on the nape of my neck prickled. The car seemed to be getting hotter, the air growing thicker somehow. I could feel the heat and desire coursing up through my veins and I gulped as my body started to tingle in places that hadn’t wanted anyone since Jack. I was longing for him to lean in and press those soft-looking lips against mine.