Nothing Left to Lose

He looked at me cockily. “Take your shoes off then, we’re only practicing, I don’t wanna get hurt.”

I smiled, knowing that he didn’t think I was going to be able to hit him. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t. I’d tried three times already and hadn’t gotten anywhere near him. I slipped off my shoes and walked over to the training mats.

I turned back to Ashton, who was standing there looking like a cocky, arrogant Greek God. “I’m gonna attack you and I want you to fight me off. You can really hit me, it’s fine. After, I’ll tell you where you can improve, okay?” he instructed, looking like he genuinely didn’t want to do this.

I nodded and waited for him to approach. When he moved towards me, I quickly ducked out of the way, kicking my leg out towards his stomach. His hand wrapped around my ankle, holding it still as he swept my other leg out from under me. I slammed back into the padded mat with him on top of me.

“Holy shit!” I gasped, trying to get the air back into my lungs. That was freaking awesome!

“You okay?” he asked, looking a bit concerned as he hovered above me.

I nodded. “Again,” I instructed, pushing him up. He shook his head, frowning, but helped me to my feet regardless of his noticeable unwillingness to do this.

Within a minute I was on the floor again. I groaned as I rolled onto my side and pushed myself to my feet. My whole body was aching from my run, but I refused to quit. I faced him, watching as he winced. “Again,” I barked, bringing my arms up to protect my face. He sighed heavily and moved to attack me.

After the fifth time of landing flat on my back, he pinned me to the floor, his body pressing into mine. “Enough now,” he said sternly. He wasn’t even slightly out of breath, whereas I was panting and sweating like a pig.

“No, not yet,” I whined, struggling to talk through my wheezy breath.

“That’s enough for today, Anna. I can’t do this. Look at you! If you want, I’ll teach you, but you need to slow down, you can’t keep doing this to yourself,” he protested.

“Just one more time. Please?” I begged, trying to wriggle my arms free.

“Okay, one more, if you’ll tell me why you do this to your body. Why do you train so hard?” he bargained, frowning.

I gulped, knowing I needed to tell the truth if I wanted him to train me. “I want to be able to defend myself, and if the time comes and I ever see him again, I want to be able to kill him,” I confided.

He blinked. “It looks to me like you’re trying to kill yourself too,” he observed, concern clear across his face.

I shrugged at his comment. “Whatever. Him, me, what’s the difference? Either way it doesn’t matter,” I retorted, turning my head away from his intense gaze.

He sucked in a shaky breath and his grip loosened on my wrists before he pushed himself up, pulling me to my feet. A pained looked was etched on his face as he spoke, “One more then like I promised, and then that’s it for today. Agreed?”

“Agreed.” I shifted into a slight crouch, preparing for him to attack me again.

He moved and came at me from the side. I quickly whipped around and landed a punch to his side, but he barely seemed to notice. Grabbing my shoulders, he knocked my feet out and we both landed on the floor within about five seconds.

A defeated tear fell down my face and he quickly wiped it away. “Did I hurt you? Are you okay?” he asked urgently.

I shook my head. I wasn’t in pain; I just couldn’t believe that all this time I thought I was getting somewhere, that I would be able to inflict some real damage to Carter if I ever saw him again, and now nothing. I couldn’t even land a decent enough hit to cause any pain. My world was shattering around me; everything I’d worked for over the last three years, the hours of training I’d put in, they weren’t worth shit.

“I’m fine. Not hurt,” I croaked, willing myself not to break down.

“Then why are you crying?” he asked, wiping my tears away again.

“I just thought I’d be able to at least defend myself, but I can’t even do that!” I croaked, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to gain control of my emotions.

“Hey, you can defend yourself. You can. Anna, I’ve been trained extensively; I was the best in hand-to-hand combat in my year. I’m SWAT, Anna, you wouldn’t be able to beat me, but I’ll help you, I will. If you were fighting a normal guy, you could kick his ass, I swear,” he assured me, wiping the sweat from my forehead.

I groaned and closed my eyes. I didn’t even realise he was still on top of me until he put his head down in the crook of my neck and planted a soft kiss on my shoulder.

Shockwaves radiated through my whole body. I stiffened. “Get off, get off me, now!” I almost screamed. He jumped up and backed away quickly, his hands up, obviously trying not to scare me. I rolled to my side and pushed myself up. My whole body was shaking violently; I scooted to the wall and sat there watching him.

He slumped to the floor on the opposite side of the gym and put his head in his hands. “I’m sorry; I don’t know why I did that. Are you okay?” he asked quietly.

I nodded. I was okay, my body was shaking from the shock, but I was okay. “Don’t do that again,” I croaked around the lump in my throat. He shook his head quickly, watching me with caution.

My chin trembled as I pushed myself up to standing. Immediately, my weary body protested from the movement. I’d really overdone it this time. My legs were wobbly as I made my way out of the gym and up to my bedroom so I could take a bath. I focussed on the pain in my body so that I wouldn’t think about what had just happened. It worked, somewhat.

At seven thirty, I knew my presence was required downstairs, as usual. Dinner with the parents. “Hi, honey,” my mom chirped, as I walked into the formal dining room.

“Hey,” I grunted, plopping myself down at the table.

“Sweetheart, we invited Agent Taylor to dine with us tonight. He’ll be down in a minute,” my dad said, smiling awkwardly.

“Why? Why would you do that? You’ve never invited a guard to eat with us before,” I asked, a little annoyed.

“Well, he’s not like the normal guards, honey; he’ll be a lot more involved. He’s posing as your boyfriend so you two need to get to know each other ready for next week,” my mom replied, smiling cheerfully.

I frowned, trying to work out her apparent excitement. Just then he walked in and all eyes snapped to him. He was wearing black dress pants and a light grey button-down shirt. Obviously dressed to impress my father.

I sighed and averted my eyes, watching my mother who was grinning happily. “Good evening, Agent Taylor,” she smiled, nodding at him.

“Good evening, ma’am,” he greeted. My father stood and shook his hand. “It’s nice to see you again, sir,” Ashton said politely.

“You too, son. Have a seat there next to Annabelle,” my dad replied, pointing to the chair next to mine. I played with my napkin as Ashton sat down. I could feel his eyes on me, but I refused to look at him.

“Hi, Anna,” he said softly.

“Hi,” I replied, nodding in acknowledgement, still not looking at him.

“Are you okay? You know, after earlier?” he asked.

I forced a smile and looked over at him. His eyes were showing remorse, he was really feeling guilty; he was almost in pain by the look of it. “I’m fine, honestly.” I smiled reassuringly. He looked like he visibly relaxed and smiled back; he was probably relieved I hadn’t said anything to my father and ordered his transfer. “So, what’s for dinner tonight?” I asked, looking away from his beautiful green eyes and trying to change the subject.

“Er, well I think it’s steak,” my mom answered, sounding unsure.

I laughed. “Oh, Ashton only eats baked potatoes and cheeseburgers,” I joked.

He laughed too, shaking his head. “No, I said I only cooked baked potatoes. I eat anything,” he corrected, grinning.

I smiled and looked back seeing that my mother was watching me with wide, hopeful eyes. My easy smile faded because she was acting weird. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?” There was definitely something going on.

“I just… I haven’t seen you laugh since before Jack…” she trailed off, her face falling as she probably realised what she was about to say.

I closed my eyes as understanding washed over me. “Right, since Jack died. Now I get it. That’s why Ashton’s been invited to dinner. You think that suddenly I’m gonna forget Jack and fall all over the hot new guard? Is that your plan?” I asked angrily, glaring at her.

She shook her head in response, wincing. “No, it’s just that we’ve been hearing stories all day, people have seen you making jokes, laughing and smiling. A couple of the staff said that they saw you two holding hands. Everyone’s just wondering, that’s all.”

I turned to my father. “And are you wondering, Dad? Planning on getting to know him better, check and see if he’s good enough for your f**ked up daughter? What do you think? Does he get your approval?”

“Annabelle, that’s enough! You must be able to see our side, the first time you met him you shook his hand, for goodness’ sake. Do you know what I would give to be able to do that? To hold your hand, or kiss you goodnight? It’s strange for us to witness. We were just wondering if there was something going on, that’s all,” my dad countered, frowning guiltily.

I snorted, pushing my chair back making a loud scrape on the wooden floor as I stood up. “Yeah, there’s something going on,” I lied. “He’s a really good fuck; he made me scream good and proper. Is that what you wanted to hear? One great screw and I’m over Jack, all my problems just, poof, up into thin air. Are you f**king crazy?” I growled. I glanced down at Ashton, who looked so uncomfortable he was probably thinking about hiding under the table.

“Language, Annabelle! We raised you better than that,” my father chastised.